Thursday, December 31, 2009

My year in review

I was going to do the whole decade but frankly, I can't remember all the way back to 2000 without looking, and dredging out my old "hard copy" diaries is a recipe for disaster. A pyjama wearing, no shower taking, going without food, laughing at mouldy old jokes, living in the past kind of disaster. I open one of those things and you won't see me for days. So, let's look back at 2009, shall we?
  • I learned to swim
  • Scott and I watched all the Oscar nominees (a feat never to be repeated since they doubled the number of nominated films and going to 10 movies in 6 weeks is damn near impossible and will cost us an entire mortgage payment)
  • I worked 3 jobs, got fired from 2 and collected unemployment
  • I went to cupcake camp
  • I got my dragonboat paddle tattoo
  • I bought (and returned) a really expensive pair of custom made jeans
  • I discovered keyboard cat
  • I made those really cute hamburger cupcakes
  • I got a new QWERTY phone
  • I won a shiny new iPod touch form a radio contest
And we did all this together, people. Actually, I did it and you all watched. Which makes you guys kind of voyeurs. It also makes me a complete exhibitionist. It's a total win/win situation for all of us. I'm going to say it: you complete me. I love you all, peeps, Happy New Year. See you through all the weirdness to come in 2010.


Play the year out, Keyboard Cat!

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

New Year's plans?

I'm spending New Year's with my dad again. We'll exchange Christmas gifts and have a nice dinner. And of course we'll count down to midnight with a glass of my daddy's special home made rum punch in each hand. It's fun and West Indian and loud.

But I would chuck it all in a second if we got invited to any kind of New Year's blowout here in town. Even a party that called for a babysitter to be hired. Well, can I be honest here? Especially if it called for a babysitter.

I long for the olden days when we'd party with friends on New Year's Eve getting drunk and acting the fool. I even miss the classic hangover that prompts the famous resolution: "I'll never drink again". Not that the family New Year's sucks, not at all. But just one year I'd like to revert back to the ridiculous antics of my youth. I think it's a need to feel young and stupid again.

So, what are your plans?


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

This holiday is killing me

I don't think I'm kidding. Yesterday I was leaning on Scott's desk and my arm went numb. Just like that. I think it's all the sugar. I've eaten so many sweets since the holiday started, I think my blood is tuning to maple syrup. Quality Street chocolates, Pep, cinnamon rolls, candy canes and nearly 50 different kinds of Christmas cookies have been my undoing. From the way I've been packing it away you'd never believe I prefer savoury snacks during the rest of the year. I start off okay with a bowl of cereal in the morning then hummus and pita for lunch but between lunch and dinner I lose my mind. Every time Scott gives me a hug I feel like he's sizing me up for the slaughter. Well I'll show him. I'm 50% fat and very little meat. Not very healthy, buddy.


Monday, December 28, 2009

Henry's birthday

In honour of my baby's 10th birthday yesterday, and in light of the fact I officially have no "babies" in the house, I'd like to share one of my favourite Henry stories. Given the season, it is sort of Christmassy...

About 4 years ago I took the kids to the National Gallery of Canada. when we were done touring the place, we left but weren't ready to go home. Across from the gallery is one of the most famous churches in town, Notre Dame Basilica. I thought it would be nice to visit and light a candle for my mum and it is a tourist attraction so I figured why not.

It's beautiful, ornate and gothic. Quite breathtaking. While I was off to the side lighting the candle, I let the kids explore a little. When I looked up, I noticed Henry staring, mesmerised by the larger than life cross with the crucified and bloody Jesus on it. As a born Catholic whose parents made her go to church every Sunday and extra at Easter and Christmas, to me the image is both haunting and uplifting. It really is the defining image of Christianity and I was proud that my son was feeling the full impact of that image and the moment.

I crouched down beside him and put my hand on his shoulder feeling the weight of this wondrous awe-inspiring moment between us. Then I realised in horror that I raised a heathen bunch of Christmas Christians because he stared at this amazing depiction or our Lord and Saviour and asked me, "What the heck happened to that guy?"

Hoo boy... my mother must have been whirling in her grave.


Thursday, December 24, 2009

Traditions for today?

I know some people open all their gifts tonight but we're Christmas Day people here. We do open one every Christmas Eve... our new jammies. This is from necessity.

I could never get any nice photos with the kids wearing clean pjs. They always looked so bedraggled. So while we're at church tonight, "The Sandman" will come and leave pyjamas under the tree for us all to sleep in later so we'll have nice clean new jammies for pictures and general revelry in the morning. It's a "tradition" that I started since I had kids. Did you start anything brand new that you can see becoming a long-standing tradition in the years to come?


Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Christmas Eve Eve!

I'm so excited! We're having our family turkey dinner and going on our annual church pilgrimage tomorrow, then we have plans to go to my sister-in-law's farm for dinner on Xmas after the carnage that is Christmas morning. Boxing day is when I set up Henry's birthday tree then the following day we plan to go to the restaurant of Henry's choice (Shoeless Joe's) for a birthday dinner and sleepover with his best friend Jacob. Whew.

So, what are you up to?


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Old folks ads

You know you are watching a television show aimed at an older demographic based on the commercials. When I watch Coronation Street, I'm inundated with ads for stair lifts, assisted living homes, adjustable beds, Grey Power insurance, clappers and stuff like that. Most of them are good for a laugh but one of them makes me say hmmm...

I kinda want the tub. The walk-in tub. It looks like it fits in the space of a regular stall but when you bathe you are sitting straight up. All I want is the occasional super long soak in water up to my neck. I don't have to be reclining. In fact lying down makes it harder to read or drink beer. So it makes perfect sense, right? Wanting this tub doesn't at all make me a closet geriatric. Nope.


Monday, December 21, 2009

In case you needed another reason to cover your mouth when you yawn...

You know there's the spread of various flus, the passing on of cooties, sharing your halitosis with the world... there's one more reason I can think of as to why you should cover your mouth when you yawn that I discovered last night:

Your cat may think your uvula is the latest in pet toys and reach in to play with it. Ewww. Cats are so weird.


Friday, December 18, 2009

Gone With The Wind

I was watching this movie (definitely a top 10 movie even though Butterfly McQueen makes me want to hurl a toaster at the tv) with Henry the other night. There was a part where the characters were scanning a list of the dead and wounded and he asked me one of those questions:

"How did the Civil War start?"

Ummm... being a Canadian and not being a scholar of American history (or anything, frankly), I had to think fast. And of course when asked to think fast, I just tell the truth as I know it. Or make shit up. Usually a combination of the two. Here's what came out:

"Well, sweetie, it had something to do with slavery and how some people thought that black people were only good for working and didn't deserve pay or respect. Other people knew that we're all the same under the skin and believed it enough to fight a war over it."

Then I threw in the little chestnut that Scott and I would have been committing a crime by just being married back in those days so he and his brother and sister would have never been born. And you know what he did? He put his hands on both of my cheeks, looked me in the eyes and kissed me. Hm. Bullshitted myself into a sweet little kiss from my son. I wonder if that'd work on Neil Patrick Harris?


Thursday, December 17, 2009

Ahh... a sunny winter day

It's like a bitch slap from Mother Nature, isn't it? The old bait and switch. From inside it looks gorgeous but when you go out... Suffice it to say that witches should probably wear a thick fleece.


Wednesday, December 16, 2009

I just got a notice from

Supposedly someone who graduated from my 1984 high school class just joined. Suuuure. That site costs actual money while Facebook is free. What would possess me to catch up with someone who is paying for something they could get for nothing? I don't hang out with dummies. Geez...


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Happy Birthday to my bessie mate!

She's awesome, she's funny and she lives across the ocean, sheeeeee's Kathy! She's the only person I can talk to for 90 minutes and not wish for the time back. She's got a 10 year old daughter who's so smart and responsible, I'd hire her to babysit my 3 kids. She's married to my convoluted cousin (convoluted in that I can never remember exactly how he's my cousin) so she's family.

I love her like the sister I never had. She has a sister so I don't know how that works for her but nevertheless, she's my bestest friend and I miss her every day.

She'd kill me if I revealed how old she is today but I think I can get away with mentioning that she's 39 plus tax.

So, Happy Birthday my friend. You are special and lovely and I hope you get big and fat. You know what I mean. I love you!


Monday, December 14, 2009

Oh come on, now...

Did nobody notice the colour change? The blog was green now it's blue for goodness sake. You like? Not so much? You want the old scheme back? Prefer this one? Something entirely different? Thoughts? Feelings?


Friday, December 11, 2009

Dark Victory

I just watched this movie on tv. I love the classics. Bette Davis rocks so hard especially when she orders a "large order of prognosis negative" at the restaurant. So gorgeous and bug-eyed.

Anyhow, as part of the plot, we find out that Bette has a malignant brain tumour. The doctor doesn't tell her using the ridiculous rationale that he wants her final months to be happy. Exqueeze me? Are you kidding? In those old movies they did that a lot. Is that because they actually did that? I shudder to think.

If I was going to die in a few months, I'd do things so differently. I wouldn't want to go to work everyday like normal (assuming I was working, that is), cook, clean and help kids with homework. No effing way. I'd take the kids out of school the whole time I was well and blow what little money we have on a plane trip to Disney. I'd finally buy those Louboutins and wear them grocery shopping and cleaning. Yes, I'd still have to do a little of that but I'd do it with style. I'd eat out a lot, watch movies I always wanted to see and get loads of spa treatments. I'd buy a king sized bed and we'd all sleep, snuggle and hang out there.

Now that's what I'd do with my last days. And no 1930's style doctor is going to rob me of that.


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Let's talk about sex baybeee...

Well, not really. But I would like to talk about love. I was watching Star Trek yesterday and it really made me think (as Star Trek tends to make you do). It was an episode where 2 people were in love... one was human and one was a symbiont. The actual being was small and living inside the outside human form. So the human being was pretty much just the shell. The essence of the "man" was the tiny squidgy form inside him.

So when the outside form was injured and died, the symbiont was temporarily placed inside someone else until a new permanent host could be found. That someone else was a male co-worker and while it was awkward at first, she powered past it and showed him how happy she was that he was still alive. Wink. Then the permanent host arrived and was... dun-dun-duuuunnn a woman. She quickly decided (to give her credit it was after a pretty tepid girl/girl kiss) that she was in love with everything about him/her including the body and it wouldn't work out between them.

It sure makes you wonder about all those stories of people post sex change that stay with their partners. What is it that makes you in love with someone? Their mind/personality or their body? I sure know that if Scott's mind somehow ended up in the body of a 28 year old soccer player I wouldn't love him any less. I'm just saying.


Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Didja miss me?

I had a few errands to run and I forgot that I didn't have a blog in the hopper for today. I actually realized this last night and was going to remedy that by blogging from bed with my new iPod touch but it would only let me input a title. For some reason I couldn't type in the text box. And of course knowing me, you know I couldn't say what I need to with any kind of character restraint. So there's my excuse for such a late blog.

So anyway, today I went for career counselling. It was quite the eye opener to find that at the ripe old age of 42 and rapidly rolling down the other side of that famous hill, I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I loved being a receptionist at my last job but my lameness in French is holding me back. I liked retail in the past but I think I should come out ahead when it comes to the travel time (gas used)/salary ratio. I have an Early Childhood Education degree that may come in handy but now to work you need to be certified and I'm not sure I want to do it badly enough to go through that process. Needless to say, my new friend Ian and I talked in circles for an hour. But at least he gave me lots of good advice on fixing up my resume.

I had more fun at the Service Canada office. I had to get Social Insurance Numbers for the kids. Considering it was a government office, it was awesome. No line-ups and happy, cheerful, chatty employees. Thank you, snowstorm.

So that's the way today went. I missed Maury and I drove in a blizzard. But now that I'm home, I'm back in my jammies, waiting for the kids to come in from playing outside with hot chocolate and the promise of a butt-kicking by me at Scrabble. I love snow days, don't you?


Tuesday, December 8, 2009

We have liftoff!

Okay, not really but the tree and decorations are up. Scott did the outside and I did the inside which is really just the entryway and livingroom. He got the perfect tree... tall and skinny so it doesn't interfere with our eyeline to the room's focal point. I'd like to be all hoity-toity and say that it is the fireplace or grand piano but I'd rather be real with you all and admit it's the tv. So no, the tree does not block our television set.

So now with the tree up, I'm feeling all Chrissmassy and worked on my gimme list. It's now done as well. Wanna see it? Thought so. Keep in mind I'm unemployed so we're on a tight, not quite strangle- but sleeper-hold budget. The stuff on here is not up to my usual extravagance:

  • webcam (to Skype with my BFF Kathy in London)
  • giftcards for Ricki's, Amazon or iTunes
  • Snuggie. You heard. Deal with it.
  • TV DVDs. Buffy, Dexter or How I Met Your Mother
  • Chanel #5. At least I can smell rich.
  • Bière d’épinette. I say without hyperbole that I'm going to die if I don't find this stuff soon.
So there it is. No Louboutins or Smart Cars. It's not that I don't want those things if they're on offer but they aren't. This year anyway. I still have next year to win the lottery. Big bucks, no whammies!


Monday, December 7, 2009

I'm a bad mother

At least that's how I feel when I open up the school photo envelope and hate the way the kids look. My own babies, the fruit of my loins, and they look like bizarre aliens. Yup, I hate school photos. I don't buy them anymore.

They're so staged and fake. Terrible forced smiles, squinty eyes, not to mention that 9 times out of 10 I've forgotten that it was picture day and sent them to school in torn, dirty or hilariously dated outfits. Complete with bedheaded hair and Nutella smeared cheeks. Saving grace? At least the photos aren't scratch-and-sniff. Audrey had a preteen blemish on her philtrum (google it) on photo day and they removed it. Good. But when they did they left a weird beige mark on her face. Bad.

Then I feel like a bad mother again for not ordering the super-mega-colossal package of 10 8x10s, 30 4x6s, 300 wallet-sized and various fridge magnets, buttons, stickers and calendars. Multiplied by 3 kids that's around three-quarters of a million dollars and enough photographs to wallpaper Parliament Hill. Why isn't there a package with about 4 4x6s and about 10 wallet sized? That's all I really need. Just for immediate family and friends. With the other package you're forced to give pictures to acquaintances and strangers just to get rid of them. What would you do with a photo of my kids? Thought so.

I hate to order them but if I do, it'll be a souvenir of the rare day (that's my story and I'm sticking to it) I was a negligent mother and sent my kids to school in Ninja Turtle pyjama pants because their jeans were in the wash. Because as you know, every mother wants a keepsake of that.


Friday, December 4, 2009

"Next Blog" function

I've really been enjoying using this lately. I used to try it from time to time but within 3 mouseclicks I'd get a bizarre website that is:

  • formatted badly
  • too wordy
  • not in english
  • full of atrocious grammar
  • cursed with an irritating cursor (bubbles or paws or something equally ridiculous)
  • set to awful music that blasts my speakers out
Lately, though, it's been a ball. Sweet websites with kids' photos, tons of food blogs and helpful information. And in English. It inspired me. It inspired me to take down my own "food" blog (Home is Where the Cookies Are). The photos are awful compared to the likes of Pioneer Woman, I don't look forward to updating it and frankly all my recipes are borrowed. If I feel compelled to post pictures of my kitchen creations I'll put them on here.

I'll leave it up until the end of the year so you guys can steal recipes from it but as of the new year I'm streamlining and I'll take it down.

So I suggest after reading my blog today (this one not the embarrassing food one), look way up high and to the centre left and click "next blog". You never know what you'll discover. But just make sure you come back here Monday.


Thursday, December 3, 2009


Happy Birthday
Happy Birthday, we love you...
Happy Birthday
And may all your dreams come true...
When you blow out the candles,
One light stays aglow,
It's the lovelight in your eyes
Where're you go!

Now isn't that nicer than the regular birthday dirge? I'm delighted that my "baby" brother turns 40 today. We're so close that when I got married I didn't want a maid of honour... I wanted him to be my best man. Of course he was pissed he had to hold my bouquet throughout the ceremony. It didn't quite go with his full dress military uniform. Oh well!

Happy Birthday Mikey! I love you so so much.

BTW, the photo above is not my brother Mikey. It's Errol Flynn. Michael is his middle name. First name: Errol, after my dad. So in school a lot of people called him "Flynn" at least until nobody remembered who Errol Flynn was LOL!

(I found a sample of that birthday song on iTunes if you want to hear a bit of it. Just put "Birthday Waltz in the search box and click on the one by Sharon, Lois & Bram)

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Last night I had a vivid dream

When I dream it's rarely as clear as this was. I looked in a mirror and saw that I was Queen Elizabeth. What I noticed most was that I was wearing one of those gold, red and ermine crowns. When I woke up I couldn't shake the image. I looked it up online and this is what I found:


To see a crown in your dream, symbolizes success and prominence.

To dream that you are wearing a crown, suggests that you are in a position of power. Alternatively, you may be basking in your own achievements.

How cool is that? The basking part not so much the power thing. I love that my brain went there after getting this new job offer and crowing long and hard about it. Now I wonder what the part where I was in the House Of Commons watching Stephen Harper having a wadded newspaper-ball fight with the other MPs means?


P.S: In case you missed it, I turned the job down, by the way. December is for families not working my ass off the whole time they're off school for barely minimum wage. This one came along quickly and so will another one. Besides, I'm powerful now. Mwahahaha and all that.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

They offered me the job

So I have until 4pm today to tell the manager if I'll take it or not. Here the pros and cons:

  • I'll be working at Ricki's, people. Ricki's!
  • 50% off my first 4 items, 30% off the rest
  • Salary not commission
  • My manager has a kid so she'll understand if I need time off
  • Benefits
  • It's at the Mall which is a 20 minute walk from my house
  • You have to wear the tops. Have to, guys!

  • Low pay
  • No guarantee of work after Xmas
  • Only 10-30 hours a week available
  • Working on my feet all day
  • I'll miss Maury Povich
Seriously, I'm delighted. Yes, the pay is lower than my last job but I won't be driving there so we'll save on gas and car wear and tear. It'll actually save us money in the long run. I can tape Maury if I'm so inclined and I own comfortable shoes. The only thing is the work after Christmas but as you know, theoretically, I hate working. And the practice too, frankly. We've just made a habit of eating, is all.

So looks like there are more pros than cons to this job. I'll probably take it. I think. Thanks for all your support in the few days I was unemployed. Dang... I never even received my first Unemployment benefit cheque...


Monday, November 30, 2009

I have a job interview later today

I'm not one to let the grass grow under my feet. I'm determined to work my fourth job of 2009 before I receive my first benefit cheque.

I was shopping at my favourite clothing store with a friend Friday (trying to burn through our savings) when I realized that this store is one of my faves. I go there first when I need to look cute and I'm in there easily once a week checking out what's new. I really wouldn't work retail but if I did, it would be in this store. So I thought "what the hell?" and asked if they were looking for anyone. Lucky for me the person I see in there all the time and have quick little chit chats with is the manager. She told me to bring in my résumé. And I did later that day. See? Motivated.

So I'd really appreciate any stray good thoughts you may have around 3pm. By the end of the day I might be a sales associate. That is if I can get past the fact that I have to guarantee availability on Boxing Day.


Friday, November 27, 2009

Can you stand another beef about So You Think You Can Dance?

Isn't is refreshing not to have a blog dedicated to my joblessness?

Last season on the Canadian version we had a tapper named Everett. He was amazing and came in second place. The wise producers threw in tap as a dance style and fortunately he actually picked it and did a great job with his partner Tara Jean (who won btw) who was a total non-tapper. The American version is different.

This year they had three tappers make it to the final 20. Yay, I thought, finally a US tap routine. I was anxious to see them throw a Contemporary or HipHop dancer in a pair of tap shoes. But no. They went to great pains to tell the hoofers that they'd never get a chance to do their own styles; that they'd have to learn everyone else's. What happened? All of the tappers are out already. The dancers have to do so many styles... Bollywood, Waltzes, the kiss of death Quick Step and even Russian Folk dancing. So why not tap? It sure would show how well those kids can pick up a difficult style.

This is yet another reason why the Canadian version is actually better. And I'm not even mentioning the fact that we have had a classical ballerina and a white female krumper in our top 20. Go Canadian mosaic!


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Oh what to do?

I've been to the Unemployment Office, written up resumes, called for information at a local college, cooked a needlessly complicated dinner, baked, cleaned the house and done all the laundry. I've even gotten a new cell phone. Don't worry, the previous one was so old the battery charged completely in 15 minutes and died within 24 hours. The only extra feature it had was a dial tone. Anyway, it seems to be thumb-twiddling time. And I'm not talking texting, baby. Well maybe just a little. It's either that or clean out the garage and that ain't gonna happen.

So today I think I'll watch some DVDs. I have a pile where I collect the ones I had planned to watch eventually. Frankly it seemed like I'd never get to them when I had a job, now I can put a dent in it. These are the ones I have in my "pending" pile:

  • Barbershop
  • Serendipity (which I've seen in the theatre but not at home)
  • Balls of Fury
  • The best of Star Trek: The Next Generation
  • The complete first season of Wonder Woman and;
  • Season 2 of Dexter
I also have PVRed copies of The Thomas Crowne Affair and an Indian movie (Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna starring the yummy Shah Rukh Khan) that I've been meaning to watch for ages. Incidentally I've been watching Bollywood movies for years waaaaay before the Slumdog Millionaire bandwagon rode into town... but I digress.

It may well be time to invest in some bonbons. I'm going to randomly choose one of these DVDs and watch it guilt-free. Maybe 2 of them (unless I choose a tv season, that is). Or maybe I'll just ditch them all and watch Auntie Mame; a movie I've seen easily 8 times. I've been thinking and talking about it a lot lately and I think it's time to check it out again.

What do you guys think, my "little loves"?


Wednesday, November 25, 2009

And now a very special message from my shoe closet

Yes, I have a special closet just for my shoes. Doesn't everyone?

These are the best shoes ever for pounding the pavement and standing in line at Unemployment. They're leather, wide with rounded toes, cute (in a fashionable Nana kinda way) and even have a little height for us shorties. I can comfortably wear them all day and not whine. Well not about my feet, anyway.


Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Learning some perspective

I'm feeling better about everything now that the sore is a bit less raw. Scott is his normal loving self and I got to spend a lovely afternoon at the Unemployment Office. What better way to kill an afternoon than to spend it in an H1N1 paranoia, lined up for half an hour in front of a mouth breather and a cougher? I wanted to Purell my neck. Good times.

After I got to the agent, he asked to see my record of employment paper. Of course I couldn't find it and I swore up and down that I put it in my purse. As I left the office swearing (hm. a lot of swearing today), I reached into my coat pocket for my car keys and found that effing piece of paper. No wonder I got fired. I haven't got a brain in my head.

Instead of heading home I went back to that line, this time with the paper never leaving my hot little hand. Thankfully the mouth-breather and the cougher were gone and the line was shorter. The only person who stood out was the woman who was talking loudly to the job bank of computers. Literally speaking to the screen. After I handed in the paper to the agent, I was told that I could have filled in everything I needed to online anyway. Well, there was 2 hours of my life I'd never get back. Thanks.

I figured that since I was already there I may as well use their computers in case a question came up. I soon realized why that lady was talking to the computer. The connection was slower than if I was in fact, mailing my forms back and forth to the federal government. I narrowly avoided acting like the kook in the corner by opting to ditch the thing and go home to my precious DSL. An hour later at my laptop and I was done. I should expect my first payment in 28 days. Nothing goes better with the cracker that is Maury Povich than government cheese. Them's good eats.


Monday, November 23, 2009

Another job well... done.

This is so not good. Friday I heard the dreaded words again for the 2nd time in 3 months: "Karen, can I see you in my office, please?"

How does this keep happening? Can I not keep a job for more than a few months? This looks so bad on a resume. And the thing is, both times I was blindsided. I thought I was doing a good job until the end. It's a lot like the way I look at people. They're always "super nice" until I get left at the Corel Centre with no way to get home (a story for another day). Both employers had nothing but good things to say about me personally, it's just a lack of some skill-set I have that is deemed necessary for the job. Wouldn't it be great to have a job that relied on a good personality and straight teeth?

So what do I do now? It's nearly Christmas and at least 2/3 of my kids still believe in Santa. Where are their presents going to come from? I'm thinking of telling them to ask Santa for Subway sandwiches.

Look, if you know of someone hiring, send me an email. All I'm looking for is $11/hour plus benefits. I need those benefits for another reason that I'm not at liberty to talk about with you guys. I'd be happy to interview if they're looking for a smile, a positive attitude and great shoes. Looks like I'm obviously not good for much else.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Oh boy.

Well, you'd smell your finger too if it had just spent 15 minutes in one of those rubber page turning thimble thingies. It's so not weird. It's actually the opposite of weird. It's completely, totally sane. For the record my finger smelt funny. Real funny.


Yeah, I'm going to file this one under "Things Not To Get Caught Doing At Work". Incidentally, this file is growing on a daily basis. It also includes: Dancing, Singing Aloud To An iPod Only You Can Hear, Referring To The Man In Front Of You As "This Guy", and any and all Underwear Adjustments. This is not to say don't do them, just don't get caught. Again I say, oh boy.


Thursday, November 19, 2009

An Open Letter

To Whom It May Concern:

As someone who deals with email addresses quite often, isn't it time to change the computer keyboard? I'm fed up with having to press the shift key to get to the @ symbol. Everyone and his grandfather has an email address. Literally. My elderly father has email access and he's really proficient at forwarding kooky religious messages and ridiculous urban myths about exploding cell phones. In fact, email is the only thing he's good at. That and buying airplane tickets. Go figure.

Anyway, Mr. Keyboard Configurer, can you please see your way clear to providing a symbol we use every single day in a more easily accessed spot? Like where the backslash (\) is. We always use the forward slash (/) the other one is expendable. Hey, and while you're at it would you do something about the question mark? It's in a stupid place too, eh? Thanking you in advance,

Mrs. Karen Kaye

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

We're looking at the shoes, people.

Oprah often has this "Things I know for sure" segment in her magazine. I know because I glance at it in the checkout, smartypants...

Anyway here are some things I know for sure. I'm 42 and I'm very very wise. Sometimes trite, but wise. And a little sage. No, not the spice.

  • Kindness is it's own reward
  • Smiling make you hot
  • The right shoes can make an outfit
  • There is nothing better than '80s alternative music. Nothing.
  • Scars do not give you character
  • I make a kick-ass cupcake
  • TV is a blessing from above
  • It's possible to be both funny and unable to tell a joke
  • Always have a box of KD in your pantry
  • A diary is a great way to see how stupid you used to be. Learn from it
  • There is something out there... up there... bigger than the both of us
Those are some of the things I know for sure. What about you? What do you know for sure?


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Chicken scratches vs. hieroglyphics

One day last week at work I spent putting emails into the computer. Not too bad of a task actually, except for the part where I had to try to decipher people's hand-written scrawl. It was like decoding hieroglyphics or a doctor's prescription. It, no joke, gave me a headache. I could only read about 3 out of 10 emails without squinting, guessing, making things up or assuming.

I know typing and computing are the wave of the future. In fact the future is now. All told I spend about 15 minutes of a nearly 9 hour workday with a pen in my hand. I get it. But now, when penmanship is pushed to the back burner and peoples' eyes are used to typeface, wouldn't it make more sense if handwriting was more clear?

When I was in school (you know the one where I walked uphill both ways?), handwriting counted. In fact, you got docked marks if the teacher couldn't read what you handed in. There were whole sheets to be completed with one letter on the far left and you had to write that letter over and over until you ran out of space. I did really well with that and even later in college one of the projects was to write a poster of a child's poem. The printing was all important. They don't do this anymore.

Three fifths of our house has legible writing. Henry and I are the best. Audrey has the irritating tween girl habit of dotting her i's with enormous circles but other than that it's entirely readable.
Scott's is pretty bad but Elliott's takes the cake. I actually get mad at his teacher for letting his penmanship get this far out of hand. She has my permission to fail him on a project if the writing sucks but she never does. The worst is his awful habit of not closing his a's, making the innocent word "can't" look very very unfortunate.

All I can do is perform a hieroglyphics spell-check when he completes a project. I wouldn't want his teacher to think he's being rude to her if he writes that he "can't" do something...


Monday, November 16, 2009

Grocery follies

So I went grocery shopping Saturday as I do every weekend. I go to Costco first then head to the smaller store to find things I either couldn't find at the big box store or just come too darned big. Have you seen the pickles? They'd keep an army of pregnant women happy for the duration of their conditions.

Anyhoo, I often glance into people's carts to check out their situations. You can always tell who is married or single and who has kids. Today I saw someone look into my cart. I had already gone to Costco so I had most of what I needed but I needed to top things up. I had:
  • lettuce
  • a bagel cutter (no bagels... I bought those at Costco)
  • sunflower seeds
  • a salad kit
  • sweet potatoes
  • 2 onions
  • cat treats
  • root beer
What must she have thought? A single, vegetarian cat lover about to spend a romantic night alone with her... bagel slicer?

I've got to stop analysing people's carts...


Friday, November 13, 2009

Here's an interesting slogan

It was brought to my attention one day at work. It was a slogan on a badge that my company worked up for the Canadian Embassy to hand out to American dignitaries...

"We can't be neighbours without U"

I love cleverness, don't U?

kxx (I wish I had it. That was so lame. It's turning into a Prince song up in here)

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Hello? Helllooo...??

Okay, peeps, here's the deal. I need to know how many people read this blog on a daily basis. My lame guesses of between 20 and 60 just aren't cutting it for me anymore. So here's what to do...

  • If you are reading this on facebook, just hit "comment" and put the word "hi" in the box. If that's too much, just click "like".
  • If you are reading this through blogger, click the "I read Karen's blog today".
  • If you got here through twitter, you were led to blogger so do your thing above.
So please co-operate today. Seriously. Can you do this one little thing for me, for the love of God? This one tiny favour? I'd just like one day where I know exactly how many people read this thing. I mean, I write one of these every day so the least you can do is tick a box, right? It'll help me feel less guilty when I take a well-deserved break from this infernal blog. Okay, I said that but I didn't mean it. I don't think I'll ever stop blogging. And for that I am truly sorry.


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Lately there was a game going around twitter

You may have seen this. People were changing (adding or subtracting) one letter of a movie title to make it funny... they were calling it "one letter off". Some funny ones were "Citizen Kanye" and "Shaving Private Ryan".

Anyway, that got me thinking about other opportunities to do this. I was brushing my teeth at the time. With "Crust". Then I gargled with "Lusterine". So okay, those weren't the best but I'm sure you can do better.

So what items would you get at the cheapest store in town? Cap'n Crunk? Wander Bread?

Add your funny in the comments below. Maybe we'll start an internet sensation...


Monday, November 9, 2009

That wascally wabbit

Audrey has a rabbit she named Coco for 2 reasons. One was because she's brown and the other is because we got her on Easter. Coco replaced Monkey, rabbit number one, that she got the previous Xmas. Monkey met an unfortunate end when someone* bought and used cedar chips for bedding which she thought made the cage and subsequently the house smell wonderful. It took 3 days for the rabbit to suffocate, frothing at the mouth.

Because someone* felt guilty, someone* got her another rabbit. This one has been around for nearly a year and is very well taken care of (no cedar shavings ever). Last week we noticed that she wasn't as active as usual. When Audrey took her out of the cage and put her on the floor, we watched in horror as she pulled her back legs pathetically behind her. Audrey burst out crying. Looks like it was time for the vet.

Scott took her and Audrey in and the vet said the words you most hate to hear from a medical professional: "I don't know what's wrong." For this we went to animal emergency with a paraplegic rodent and spend $60 for a consult? Anyway, she suggested we put the rabbit on antibiotics for ten days. One look into Audrey's wet brown eyes and out came the credit card for nearly $50 worth of meds.

The irony isn't lost on me over using a syringe to dribble medicine into a rabbit's mouth while wearing waterproof mascara and shiny lipgloss.

So that's what's new over at the Kaye's. What's up with you lot?


*name withheld to protect the stupid

Friday, November 6, 2009


Okay, I'm completely ill prepared for a blog today. I usually write them in bulk on the weekend then "post-date" them to come out all week. Unfortunately it was so crazy last weekend, my math was off. I only wrote four blogs so I'm writing this in the morning for the first time since before I had a job. So please excuse the obvious suckiness.

Here is what needs to get done that I'm shirking because of this:
  • shower and get myself ready first
  • wake up Audrey and Elliott
  • make sure they have breakfast and all their school stuff like musical instruments and lunches
  • fix Audrey's hair... it takes at least 10 minutes
  • push the older ones out the door at 7:15
  • wake up Henry and Scott
  • make sure they have breakfast and all their school/work stuff like instruments and, I dunno, quarterly reports or whatever
  • have my own breakfast and brew a travel cup of tea that I'll drink at my desk at work
  • say goodbye to Scott who takes the bus to work
  • take Henry across the street to the neighbours who watch him for 45 minutes
  • drive in stop-and-go traffic to work. The 15 minute drive takes half an hour
So yeah... I have lots of time for this... gotta go.


Thursday, November 5, 2009


Can someone explain why in olden days movies they used to lick the end of a pencil before they wrote with it? It's been bothering me since I watched the mute cat do it on Pinocchio over the weekend.


Wednesday, November 4, 2009

My invention

My honey is in the process of inventing something and it got me thinking: what would I invent if I had the chance? They say that necessity is the mother of invention so what do I need? What do I complain about most? The answer? Winter.

My biggest complaint about winter (frankly the only thing going for it is no bugs) is having to scrape off my van windshield. I don't mind the side windows, just the windshield. Yes, I'll admit it. It's not a new thing. I'm er... diminutive. It's impossible for me to reach the entire front window. The middle part of it looks like I've scratched it with my fingernails. I'm too short to get enough pressure on the scraper to remove the ice. I end up just sitting in the car with the heat cranked trying to melt it from the inside.

I was thinking while sitting in the car once last winter that they should have some sort of plastic film (like the "sticker" that tells you it's time for an oil change) that is run through with wires like the rear window. You'd just apply it to the windshield, plug the other end into the cigarette lighter and voila. The ice melts off like a sheet in minutes, saving time, body heat, sanity and your cute new suede jacket.

Anyway, that's my invention. If you steal it, please remember where you saw it first. If not, remember that Karma can be a bitch.


Tuesday, November 3, 2009

My movie review

Just to save you a rental, never ever get Confessions of a Shopaholic. I loved the book... thought it was hilarious. But the movie absolutely, completely sucked. They took out everything that made the book funny and charming. The only thing that stayed the same were the names of the characters. They changed the plot, took out main (and essential) characters and even made the heroine American instead if British like the book. And in a truly bizarre Hollywood twist, the lead actress was an Australian putting on an American accent. How does that make any sense at all?

Anyway, my advice, do NOT see this movie. It's 104 minutes of your life you'll never get back.


Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween protocol

So now we have tons (and I say that without hyperbole) of chocolate candy and chips in the house. What's a mother to do? Do I throw stuff out? Do I hide them... and invariably eat too many of them myself? Do I dole them out a little at a time so they last until next Halloween? Frankly, I hate having to be the junk food police. It makes me the bad guy and creates stress in the house. It also fosters begging for the crap the minute they wake at 7am until the time they close their eyes at 9pm.

So here's what I do. Unlimited candy. Yes, it sounds crazy but I'm strict about the times. They can eat whatever they want from noon to an hour before dinner. Then again after dinner until an hour before bed. This serves many purposes. No begging at breakfast, no chocolate left by the end of next week, no stress, and I'm not the bad guy. So they're eating thousands of calories and potentially rotting their teeth out of their heads. Whaddya gonna do? Crunchy with the smooth, right?


Friday, October 30, 2009



You don't need me to go into why I'm not big on Halloween again. The short version is that my parents were "hiders" and I prefer salty snacks instead of sweet. But having kids means I can't ignore this "holiday".

So, the kids are going as a robot, a pumpkin and an aloof teenager too old (says he) to trick or treat and I'll just put on my usual devil horns and freaky contacts and go about my day as usual. But frankly, I can't wait until tomorrow is over.

But if you love it, Happy Halloween.


Thursday, October 29, 2009

Aren't dreams wonderful?

I just spent half the night dreamily trying to justify why Scott had his elbow poked into the back of my skull. Here are the ones I remember:
  • getting mugged with a gun to my head
  • wearing a hat that was too tight
  • getting a noogie from my brother
  • getting hit in the head with a ball
Ah... the subconscious is a lovely place but I sure wouldn't want to live there.


Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Stupid damn kids.

No, not mine. Remember the gps that my wonderful daddy gave me a few months ago? The one that shone brightly through the misty, dark night and pointed my way toward home? (oohh… she waxes poetic) That one? Well it got stolen out of our unlocked van the other night (parked in our driveway btw) by some rotten punk shit kids. Eff!

But here’s the smooth with the crunchy. Three things, actually:

1) The gps was old and many times took me on lovely tours of Ottawa usually reserved for tourists and taxi drivers with fares unfamiliar with the territory. It wasn’t one of those cool flat screen deelies. It was big and clunky and shaped like an old tube tv.

2) It wasn’t my fault.

3) And because of that (thank you guilt!), I’ll get a cooler, newer one. Ha! Of course it’ll be safely under my pillow every night…

I’m actually a freak about locking the van at all times. I’ve even locked it when visiting friends’ remote cottages. My thinking is if I lock it whenever I get out, even somewhere safe, I’ll never forget to lock it at the mall. It’s a better-safe-than-sorry habit. Scott, on the other hand, sometimes locks it and sometimes doesn’t depending on the venue. In the night in question, he forgot. Seeing that we’ve been together since 1988 and I know how to behave within a successful marriage, that will be the only dig about this incident. Anyway, after a late hockey game he just parked the car and went to bed. Thank goodness we don’t keep anything else of value in the car. Not even cds. Suckers. All they got was a busted up gps that takes you on what my dad would colourfully call a “bellecoucouche” instead of a direct route.


Tuesday, October 27, 2009

iTunes gripe

As many of you already know, SYTYCD is one of my top 5 tv shows. Also, one of my favourite toys is my iPod (I’m getting a Touch so soon I can taste it… thank you new job!). Anyhoo, I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching and re-watching (and re-re –watching and re-re-... oh, you get the drift) some of my favourite routines from the show. I was thinking after watching the “Addiction” routine for what felt like the millionth time, “wouldn’t it be awesome if I could buy these on iTunes?” We could get pristine copies with the judges comments edited out on our little handheld devices. I’d be willing to pay up to $5 for a 2 minute routine and I’m sure I’m not alone. It’s win/win for everyone. So who do I email about this?


Monday, October 26, 2009

Argh... bad habit alert

There are 2 bad habits I want to try to break.

One is that I'm tired of of saying "good" when people ask me how I am. I want to go back to saying "fine" like my mother taught me. It sounds so much nicer to be "fine" doesn't it? Besides, answering "good" to the question "how are you?" doesn't sound grammatically kosher, does it?

The other is from work. I'm irritated by the fact that when a caller asks for someone I say "sure thing, please hold". Sure thing? Really? Yuck! It was the easiest thing that came to mind when I first started and now it's stuck fast. Every time I say it, it drives me nuts but the words come so naturally I can't seem to break it.

Would you be weirded out by a receptionist saying "sure thing"? Is "you bet" any better?


Friday, October 23, 2009

10 song ipod challenge!

In other words, I have nothing interesting to talk about today. So here are the first 10 songs that pop up on my ipod when I press shuffle:

  1. Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference by Morissey
  2. Free to Decide by The Cranberries
  3. Nothing to Worry About by Peter, Bjorn and John
  4. Maureen's Theme by Brendan Nolan (he's a friend of mine!)
  5. Mo Money Mo Problems Notorious BIG
  6. Iron Lion Zion by Bob Marley
  7. Fix You by Coldplay
  8. Potnas by Will Smith (the kids are to call him "Uncle Will" for neurotic reasons completely my own
  9. Ring The Alarm by Keshia Chante
  10. Wait A Minute by The Pussycat Dolls
Yeah, that's another weird little mix. That's why you love me, right? Guys? Hellooooo....?


Thursday, October 22, 2009


After all these weeks as a receptionist, is it still okay to giggle a little whenever I tell someone on the phone that the person they’re looking for is “out to lunch”?


Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Sigh. Star Trek.

Most of you know that I'm a major Star Trek fan. The Next Generation to be specific. I've been to conventions, bought and wore the paraphernalia (remind me to get a new battery for my Starfleet watch... they just don't make dilithium crystals like they used to), have a couple of prized photos taken with characters (a Borg and a Ferengi), watch every episode multiple times and can even name particular episodes. Example: if you ask me which episode Jean-Luc Picard (yum.) meets (and gets kissed by!) Vash, I can quickly tell you without looking it up on Memory Alpha (my fave Star Trek website) that it's Captain's Holiday. And when I went to Las Vegas, yes, the gambling was fun, but the highlight was the Star Trek Experience. Best. Exhibit. Ever.

So that said, I feel like sharing some of my favourite one liners from the show. Even though it was a sci-fi drama, it had some funny bits. Man, I miss this show:

"I am not a Merry Man"
--Worf in Qpid

"Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you or would you like to break some more furniture?"
--Deanna Troi to Worf in "Birthright"

"Eat any good books lately?"
-- Q to Worf in "Deja Q"

You're so stolid. You weren't like that before the beard."
-- Q to Riker in "Deja-Q"

"Do you know how she was able to train her cat?"
"Well, as I recall, she walked around for two months with a piece of tuna in her blouse."
--Data and Geordi on "Force of Nature"

And talking about cats, of course my favourite poem:

Qapla' (yup... I dabble in Klingon, too),

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

I could use a smoke

Okay, not really. I used to smoke and I loved it. I never wanted to quit but 14 years ago Scott and I had the conversation about starting a family and I nearly immediately stopped cold turkey. I smoked as much as half a pack a day for about 5 years. Relatively not that many but still enough to miss it. I still crave them and have the odd one a couple of times a year but I regret it immediately afterwards. Since quitting I've maybe smoked about a pack. That's pretty good in nearly 15 years. But I still want one really badly after a heavy meal.

Anyway, my former habit isn't the reason for today's blog. I'd like to talk about smoke breaks. Some of my co-workers indulge and I have to say I'm super jealous. Not of the smoking per se (okay, just a little) but of the legitimate chance they have to stretch their legs and walk, then sit out in the sunshine for 5 minutes and relax. Siiiigh!

We non-smokers need a "thing". A reason to get up from our desks every hour or so to take our heads out of the tasks we have to perform. Of course the winter and rainy days change things but on a nice sunny day, how great would it be to just get up and sit outside for 5 minutes?

So when you guys come up with that valid, plausible reason for a 5 minute break every hour, message me, 'k?


Monday, October 19, 2009

If acid destroys everything it touches,

how come it never eats through the glass or beaker that's holding it?


Friday, October 16, 2009

Hello? Helllooo...??

I'm feeling a rant coming on. Nothing particular has happened, I just feel ranty. It doesn't help that Aunt Flo has arrived with a vengeance and is wreaking havoc with the grouchizine centres of my brain. Yes, I made that up. You wanna go? Oh, we'll go.

So here's my beef: I hate talking on the phone. I don't mind at work because no one ever wants to talk to me but at home I cringe when the phone rings. I wield my call display function like a weapon. If I don't recognise the name or number you're dead to me. If you call during dinner, Coronation Street or So You Think You Can Dance, be prepared to leave a message. Are you calling after 9pm? Wondering where we all are at that time of night? We're all squinting at the phone trying to see who you are but making no move to answer.

You know what's worse? People who call for no reason. People who just "want to catch up". Um... I keep a daily blog. I twitter. I Facebook. I email. I text. Enough of my life is "out there". I have nothing new to say to you. I may love you but 80% of the time while we're talking I'm watching tv, washing dishes, folding clothes, cleaning or writing a blog all about not wanting to talk to you. The other 20% I spend making "I'm listening" noises and mirroring things you say to make it sound like I'm listening. How do you know when I am actually listening? I'll ask you questions. No questions, no attention. Also, I'll start topics. This is how my friend Kathy and I can easily spend 90 minutes on an overseas call. She's the only person I really look forward to talking to. In fact, call me this weekend, Kathy!

So don't call me to catch up. Send me an email. Please for the love of God. I write so well. At least in writing I will give you my full attention. And I don't have to experience that awkwardness when I'm trying to hang up on you.

For your edification, here's what I here's what I will say to you when I want to ring off:

1. "I'll let you get back to what you were doing" (even though you called me);
2. "Well, it was nice hearing from you" (it actually wasn't... I'm grumpy now);
3. "Thanks for calling, we'll talk soon" (inside I'm saying: "next time don't call unless you have a particular reason, check out my blog if you need mindless blathering")

Wow, I just read that back and it sounds super harsh. But the grouchizine is making me press "publish post", anyway so...


Thursday, October 15, 2009

Remember the time BK?

Before Kids? I barely do but what I can recall I look back on fondly. Most of the time. Scott and I lived in a tiny apartment right downtown where we could walk anywhere. And when we couldn't walk, we took his motorcycle or a taxi. A taxi, people! I hadn't learned to drive yet and we didn't own a car. Groceries were a scream (not that we needed much food). We'd take the motorcycle out together and Scott would ride back while I took a cab with the food. Those were the days.

We both had full time jobs and got paid well. Sometimes when we got home from work we went to a restaurant or a movie. On the spur of the moment, even. On the rare occasion that I cooked, my specialty was Minute Rice and chicken with a jar of Uncle Ben's simmer sauce on top. Voila! Sometimes I even made Hamburger or Tuna Helper. MmmmMMMM. Good times.

Since kids I've learned to cook (meh) and love baking. If I want to go out I make plans at least a week in advance. Scott and I haven't been out on our own in ages. The last time I took a taxi was 2005.

On the flip side, don't get me started about how terrific Christmases are with a houseful of kids. And everything is funnier when filtered through kids' weird little brains.

But I'd sure love to see my BK belly again. That is BK as in "Before Kids" and not BK as in the Burger King belly I'm looking at right now.


Wednesday, October 14, 2009

I'm so weird

As a complete and utter neurotic, I’m keenly aware of how I appear to others. I try to always be pleasant and not too grating (and most of the time I succeed). As the receptionist at my new job, I’m in a communal area and everyone walks by my desk. Three offices are within earshot of my little command post so I have to be aware of what I’m saying most of the time. I’m not conceited enough to think that the people in the adjacent offices are listening in on every single thing I say but if they put their work down and pay attention they can definitely hear what I’m saying.

So here’s the thing… as every one of my co-workers passed my desk, they asked how my Thanksgiving was. Frankly it wasn’t too interesting… Saturday was so incredible I don’t even remember what we did, Sunday I ate and drank more than I should have like most Thanksgivings and then spent most of Monday lying on the couch watching Maury “you-ARE-the-father” Povich and eating pecan squares. Nearly 20 people pass my desk. So instead of giving the same answer 20 times, to be kind to those within earshot, and to make my life more interesting, I varied my answers all day but still said the same thing. Hard work, I tell you. I used: “ate too much, drank too much, lazed too much”, “made a great turkey”, “relaxed all weekend”, “enjoyed the family” and many, many more. It was like the K-tel greatest Thanksgiving hits over there.

But now I’m done talking about it. But I did make a pretty darn good turkey, if you must know…


Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Fun with Twitter

I don't know why anyone is surprised that I have a twitter account. I'm on everything known to man. Facebook, MySpace, here... why not twitter? I use each one differently, though. Here's how:

MySpace: I used to use it a lot more when it first came out. But I have a homepage on there for nostalgia's sake because that's where I started this here blog. It's a strange place... So. Many Weirdos. All those times I was contacted by illiterate bozos looking for a little sumthin'-sumthin'... Yuck. It clearly says on my profile that I'm married, people. But I guess that's where the illiterate part comes in.

Facebook I love. Because of the intimate nature of the place, I often compare it to rifling through someone's underwear drawer. I love checking out your photos and I put all my downloaded photos on there, videos, keep in touch with high school, everyday and internet friends and have a link to this blog. Actually a lot of people read this blog through there, even though my preference is for them to come here to blogger. Hint hint.

Then there's twitter. I love it. I check it before I leave for work and as soon as I step in the front door. I don't use it for anything but checking out what the "stars" are doing. When I first joined I added friends but I preferred their updates on Facebook. Then I discovered tv and movie stars on twitter. But not the big ones or the mega stars. I tried people like Oprah, Ashton Kutcher and Ellen but after a while I realised that they were written by publicists. They were fake, phony, self promoting and had perfect grammar. Fail. Everyone knows trying to cram in what you want to say in 140 characters is neither perfect nor pretty.

I dumped those big blowhards as soon as I could. Now I focus on "smaller" stars. Actors from my favourite soaps and players from reality shows but again, not the bigger stars. It's neat because you get the inside scoop and little tidbits and photographs from the set. I've even seen their holiday snaps. And you can tell it's genuine because the pics are often blurry and grainy and taken at the end of an arm the way you do when there's no one else around to shoot for you.

Out of everyone, I have a soft spot for Ethan Suplee, the guy who plays Earl's brother Randy on My Name Is Earl. He recently went on a trip to France and was tweeting in French. I used my massive knowledge of the language and tweeted back en francais. A few minutes later, my cell phone went off. I had no idea but I had set it to go off when I got a direct twitter message. I looked at it and holy hell, it was a personal message from the man himself. How cool was that? That sure wouldn't have happened with Oprah.

So seriously, you can be my friend on twitter if you like but don't be insulted if I don't reciprocate. It's not you, it's me. Well, it is you, actually. I just don't think you're famous enough. So friend me on Facebook. I'd rather rifle through your underwear, anyway.


Monday, October 12, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Kayes pigged out yesterday! Here was the menu:

  • Turkey
  • Stuffing
  • Broccoli
  • Roasted potatoes
  • Baby carrots
  • Macaroni and cheese (a tradition from my mum... I don't know why.)
  • and for dessert: pecan squares
No cranberry sauce, I hate it. Same for pumpkin pie. And how much do I get nauseated when people mention that nasty American yam/sweet potato side dish topped with marshmallows? How much? Very. None of that on my table either.

Anyway, whatever you're eating today (or yesterday), enjoy and give thanks for it. Even if you're eating root vegetables with sugary gelatin on top. You can be grateful for your cast iron stomach.


Friday, October 9, 2009

My first and only quiet day at the new job

I'm not too sure still about how things work here yet but something happens at the end of the month that brings all the stuff I got trained to do to a standstill. All I did that day was answer the phone.

So I amused myself that day by making up words using the broken rubber stamp on my desk. Instead of reading “INVOICE ENCLOSED” it said “INVOI” with half the last “I” missing. I got:

-INVOICE (natch)

then changing the half “I” into an “L” I got:




then I changed the first “I” into an “O” and the last “I” into an “L” and got:



Could you do better (without any outside help, internet or dictionaries)?