Monday, January 30, 2012

I'm just putting this out there...

You know this movie out now? The claptrap romance between 3 whales and Drew Barrymore? Here's the trailer if you missed it:

I'm irritated by the names of these whales. While I'm delighted by the fact that they went to my era (the prehistoric?) to find the names for these creatures, why did they go for "Fred", "Wilma" and "Bamm Bamm"? Everyone (at least everyone as old as me... did I mention at work today my young co-worker Jessica had no idea what I was referring to when I mentioned Liquid Paper? But I digress...)

Everyone knows that Bamm Bamm was Betty and Barney's kid and Not Fred and Wilma's. I'm just saying. It bugs me so much that this movie, which looks overwrought, overblown and overdramatic anyway, but I'll never watch it (even as a rainy day rental to see John Krasinski's pretty face) because of this unfortunate misstep. There. I feel better now. Please return to the gay old time you were having.


Saturday, January 28, 2012

I haven't abandoned you, I just haven't had anything good to say!

I have found in the past when I forced myself to blog when I had nothing fascinating to say, my posts contained a lot of, well complete and utter crap. Lots of "ummms" and "so...". As loyal readers, I know you expect more from me so I've scaled back to only posting when I have something juicy. Or when a week goes by without posting like just now. So...

The Oscar nominations have come out. For reasons that I haven't shared with you, I'm not feeling them this year. I uncharacteristically haven't gone to see many movies this year so even popular stuff I didn't get around to seeing. I think the last movie I saw in the theatre was Harry Potter and that was back in the summer.

This means I have 9 movies to watch between now and the Oscar telecast in 29 days. If you think this'll be easy, let me remind you that I've got a job, 3 kids in sports and other after school activities, a husband with a full time job who also plays hockey and will be away for a week starting tomorrow, and a lukewarm desire to do this in the first place.

I have to say that thankfully nearly half of the movies are on dvd so I can see them on demand from the comfort of my living room at any point of the day which helps. But that still leaves 5 usually 3 hour "epics" that usually leave me depressed and needing a Monty Python palate cleanser. Remind me why I do this again? When are they going to nominate the kinds of movies I love like Bridesmaids or Transformers? Why do I have to learn something or grow from a "good" movie? Shouldn't I be having fun for my $13 ticket and $25 spent at the concession stand? Remind me why I'm doing this again?

In case you missed them, here are the nominations in order of my desire to see them:

The Help (This is the only one I wanted to see before the noms came out)
The Artist (Looks interesting... 2D, no talking, black & white? What's not to like?)
Moneyball (I think this'll make me laugh. Love Jonah Hill)
The Descendants (George Clooney is awesome)
Hugo (The trailer makes it look interesting but I have my doubts)
War Horse (A horse movie? I haven't been a 12 year old girl in a loooong time)
Midnight in Paris (Never been a Woody Allen fan)
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (A 9/11 movie. Sigh. It'll be poignant and force me to cry. Ugh.)
The Tree of Life (Never heard of it)


Saturday, January 21, 2012

The lineup for autographs forms on the left, please.

I got recognised at the grocery store yesterday. I was knocking on acorn squash with my knuckles, wondering how on earth you were supposed to tell whether or not they were ripe, when a woman got all up in my grill. I thought she was going to ask me to shift my cart or explain to me the fine nuances of mature gourds but she said:

"Excuse me but you look familiar."
Confused Me: Pardon?
My New Best Friend: You look like someone on tv. Were you and your family on a chicken commercial?
CM: Are you serious? Yes, we were. I can't believe you recognised me from that!
MNBF: Of course! You have a beautiful family and a great smile.
CM (I give her my number 8... the one that shows a few molars): Thank you so much!
Awkward pause as I wait for her to ask for my autograph or to take photo with me as I'm clearly her hero. Nothing happens and she just smiles weirdly at me.
CM: Okay, um, well, have a nice weekend!
I go back to rapping my melons and she wanders off.

I'd like to thank the Chicken Farmers of Canada for providing that weird and wonderful moment in my life. It was the first time a complete stranger has recognised me from the ad. Friends and family have seen it and commented, I get calls from acquaintances who I haven't seen in ages after it airs but never this. I have to admit it was pretty cool. And for those new friends and readers who have never seen the ad in question, I'll post it below. I still say that the smile at the end is more like the look I frequently have on my face when one of the many boys in this house "cuts one" but still, people tell me it's fine.


Wednesday, January 18, 2012

A rare experience with racism

Let me begin by saying that my New Year's Resolution was to drink more water. For my health, for my skin and to curb my appetite. Downside, peeing in the middle of the night (Do you know how cold hardwood floors are at 3:22am? You don't want to) and peeing every hour during the day. Upside, you get to know every toilet between your place and everywhere you need to be.

Okay. Back to the racism. Let me just make it clear that the racism was a good thing in my case. Allow me explain.  For all intents and purposes, I was trapped on public transit on my way to work. I was trying my hardest to concentrate on other things but my bladder just wasn't having it. I was literally bursting. I knew for sure there was a bathroom at a mall on the way but it was about 10 minutes away and my bladder had about 25 seconds before critical mass. Luckily I was at the Lincoln Fields transitway station, a pretty big transfer stop where I knew that there was a little store and a place to take photos for passes. Employees + 8 hour shifts = Bathrooms. Union rules. I sprint off the bus knowing is relief close at hand. I think I pushed a man with a cane, but I can't be sure.

I went to a ticket window and through the little hole, asked the woman where the bathroom was. Let me state here that she was Black.

Ticket Woman: There is none.
Me: There is none? Are you serious?
TW: Sorry, Ma'am.
Me (Not even caring that I got called "ma'am" and torn between the indignities of begging, arriving at work with pee down my leg and urinating in the nearby bushes at rush hour. The begging wins out): Please! I'm dying here! I'm sorry but I notice that there are at least 5 people that work here. You can't tell me that you don't have a toilet in here. I'm not going to poo and stink it up (see what I mean about dignity?) but I'm desperate. PLEASE.
TW (she looks me up and down and stands up, picking up some keys and looking furtively both ways): My manager better not see me but you're a sister. Come on.
Me: Oh my God, thankyou!

She locked her booth, walked across the hall to a small grey door and unlocked a tiny windowless toilet that was so small my purse and I barely fit inside. I peed like a happy racehorse, not even caring that in my hurry to take off my pants I'd thrown my hat and purse on top of the plunger in the corner.

It wasn't until I got back on the bus that I'd realized that I'd been the victim of racism. She'd only told me about the toilet because I was "a sister". If I was white would I have been forced to pee outside in front of hundreds of rush hour commuters? To be honest, I didn't really care. I got to "go" and I learned a valuable lesson. Never have nearly 2L of water before you get on any form of transit.


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Remember this post?

Well, it didn't happen that way at all. Much to my surprise and delight.

This morning I was on the bus when I got a call. "Are you busy?", the little voice on the other end said. "Well, I'm on the bus... what's up?" And she told me.

I promptly pulled the bus dinger, called my husband to say we were the parents of a woman and my co-workers to tell them I'd be late and rushed home. Well as much as you can rush when you're on a meandering city bus. Doesn't this driver know I have a woman at home to attend to? She went to bed last night a little girl and look what happened when I took my eye off the ball.

On the ride home I thought of when she was little. Like photographs in an album. The picture of her smiling big at the camera at 2... the shot of her and Henry in helmets on decorated bikes at 5... the photo of her terrified eyes as she got her ears pierced for her 6th birthday... I may have cried a little.

I got home and couldn't stop hugging her. I showed her what to do, gave her a pad and an Advil to take to school and that was that. I asked her if she had any questions and she said they just covered it in health class yesterday. I blame the school.

I told her we'd go get something special at the mall to commemorate the big event and for a meal in a restaurant after. I just want to make this special and not the soul crushing burden it becomes in reality. There are only a few times in life when you are delighted to get your period and most of them involve copious amounts of Sambuca and really questionable judgement. I just want to make this one of those delightful times for her. And it's completely Sambuca-free.

Congratulations beautiful girl. Can I still be proud of her even though neither of us actually did anything?


Monday, January 9, 2012

New York!

The Kayes went to New York City last week and we has such a good time. Okay, Audrey and I had such a good time... I think Scott and the boys were a little "meh" about the whole thing.

We decided to take the train so Scott wouldn't have to worry about icy roads and NY traffic. Good idea. Unfortunately the trip took 14 hours and by hour 8, all we wanted to do was be there already. I think that was somewhere between Montreal and Saratoga Springs or the horrible microwaved train burger and the time someone in a seat up ahead started clipping his talons. I'm not sure. Note to travellers: DO NOT CLIP YOUR FLIPPING NAILS IN PUBLIC. It's nasty.

Besides the shopping, walking around, the meeting a new/old friend, the highlights of the trip was the NBC tour, Statue Of Liberty Boat Tour and the Top Of The Rock view.

Since I started work this morning and the trip is rapidly becoming a distant memory, please enjoy what I'm going to call:

Our Trip To NYC By The Numbers (feel free to ask questions for illumination)

Number of children sickened by dodgy sausages: 1
Laughing fits: Countless. Most notable... Cirque De "Sofail" and you know that ad with the women getting on the motivational scales? We pissed ourselves trying to think of mean things it could say like "WTF" and "OMG"... I guess you had to be there.
Temper tantrums: 1 (but they let me cry it out and I was fine. Seriously, 0)
Shopping trips: At least 5 (keep in mind we were there only 2 full days)
Taxi rides: 3
Times stuck in traffic: 5 (trust me, it's possible)
Visits with family who live nearby: 0
Visits with a friend I've only ever known online: 1
Blocks walked: Easily hundreds
Average temperature: -8C with the wind chill (try going on a boat tour in that weather)
Number of times I felt like a kid in a candy store: Every minute I was in that city, including the time I was actually at a candy store at the back of FAO Schwarz

So, we had a wonderful time and we'll definitely do it again. Next time I think someplace hot. We were floating the idea of Cuba on the long (long!) train trip home and once that was mentioned, it was game over. Next year the Kayes are going to Cuba! I've got a year to save and work on the boys...

kxx (Please enjoy my favourite photo of the trip, taken by accident on the boat cruise... isn't it awesome when that happens?)

Monday, January 2, 2012

Resolution time!

I don't really make them, but I thought I'd I'd try a few this year. I expect all but a few will fall by the wayside by the end of business tomorrow but that's always the fun part of resolution making too, isn't it?

  1. Someone close to me admitted to something that I vow this year to never let them forget. They will not take me for granted in 2012. Maybe that should be this person's resolution but it never hurts to help things along...
  2. I want to keep the house cleaner. No, it's not in a Hoarders state of affairs but if the huge dustbunnies behind the sideboard are any indication, it's time to actually move the furniture when I sweep.
  3. I want to love my body, not just tolerate it. I don't want to lose weight (that ship has sailed) but I want to love what I have going on. Some people's goal weight is my weight the way it is today. I need to remember that. I can run, paddle, swim, bike... who cares if I'm 30 pounds overweight and my stomach looks like the Michelin Man's when I sit down? My ultimate resolution? Don't sit down.
  4. Blog more often. I recently had a friend (Hi Lisa!) tell me that she missed my daily blogs. While I can't promise to write everyday (unless I get paid... come on deep pocketed, desperate publisher of my dreams), I will resolve to write at least 3 times a week.
  5. I'll try to call the kids names only when they deserve it. But it's so tempting to call them idiots when they're acting idiotic. I'll try to remember what Dr. Phil always says "you can't put kittens in the oven and call them biscuits". Wait... that was apropos of nothing. Whatever.
So I hope 2012 is wonderful for everyone. To be honest, the end of 2011 was pretty heartbreaking for me so I'm looking forward to a happy, optimistic new year.