Friday, February 27, 2009

Nickname questions

So what nickname have you always wanted people to call you? Did they? What did you end up being called?

I've got a non-nicknameable name. Karen is pretty dry when it comes to nicknames. Nothing organically comes from Karen. But I do like Kazzer. I think I would have liked being called Kazzer. But I never was.

What I was called for a short time at CEGEP (Quebec version of college) was Antonious Rex. Ugh. There were 4 of us called the "Fearsome Foursettes" (the womenfolk of the Fearsome Foursome, d'uh) and I hated that nickname. But what can you do? You can't force these things. Except with Henry. I'll bet a lot of you didn't know his name is actually Henderson. We forced it by only calling him Henry and rarely, if ever using Henderson. See, it can be done.

So at 41 is it too late only answer to Kazzer?


Thursday, February 26, 2009

We're such a great couple.

The night we saw Benjamin Button (right before Valentine's Day) I had another relationship realisation. The movie was pretty romantic. When we left the theatre a girl was giving out samples of chocolate body paint and we took a pot. When we got outside to the car, this was the scene:

Scott and Karen walk hand in hand. Scott rips out a comically loud fart.

Scott: I've been waiting 3 hours to do that.
Karen sighs and rolls her eyes
Scott: What should we do with that chocolate?
Karen (prying open the lid): Dunno, probably tastes crappy.
She tastes it by sticking in her finger then thrusts the lid at Scott for him to taste.
Scott (licking the lid): Yum.
Karen: Not too bad.
They continue to eat it straight out of the jar all the way home then proceed to hide the evidence (jar, sticky faces and fingers) before the kids notice.

Annnnnd.... scene.

Twenty-one years together, baby! That's true love.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Get it while it's hot!

I know the people in "high" places hate when we peons get hold of their precious videos but I found a copy of my favourite Oscar skit from Sunday night and I just had to post it on here. So watch it while you can. It probably won't be working tomorrow.

In case you've been under the pop culture rock instead of staring at it like I have, these guys are pretending to be high. Or as high as they can act in front of the "Academy", anyway. It's a spoof of their movie of last year Pineapple Express.


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Don't you love it when kids just get it?

I was talking to Audrey the other day about starting my new job. About how I was worried they wouldn't like me, that I wouldn't do a good job and that I really hoped everything would be okay even though I was scared. She got it. How do I know?

She said "it's something like the first day at a brand new school, right?". I just had to smile. She got it. Perfectly.


Monday, February 23, 2009

I'd like to thank the Academy

Instead of rehashing what we already know about the really big show (yay Slumdog!), let me just say that despite the dryness of the speeches, Marge Simpsonness of the women's hair and predictability of the awards, I had the best time ever. My beef still stands about cutting half the show by only presenting a few awards:

Best Picture
Best Director
Best Screenplay
Best Adapted Screenplay
Best Animated Movie
Best Actor/Actress
Best Supporting Actor/Actress
And of course we'd add Best Comedy/Musical to the mix

But nobody ever listens to me. Except the gang at The Amazing Race that finally heard me and cut all the "non-elimination legs" from the race but that's not the point.

The actual point of my blog today is to salute the Herculean effort of my best friend Kathy who now lives in London. She found the one station that played the show live and watched it live with me until 5am her time. Needless to say she took today off work just to do this. The delay was a bit of a pain since I was about 5 minutes ahead so instead of phoning each other and spoiling the excitement, we mostly texted (she just texted me again... I told her to go back to bed, the nut). She's an absolute star and I wrote a haiku about her:

UK pal Kathy
Stayed awake to text with me
Oscars like old times.


Friday, February 20, 2009

What makes women happy?

My friend Nicole and I were talking about this at work the other day. She was telling me that her and her hubby rarely do anything on Valentines Day. I thought that was sad because it is so easy to make us happy. It doesn't have to cost much money. Seriously. Just making an effort is enough to turn us into puddles of mush. Okay guys, listen up. To make us happy just do one or more of these on a weekly basis (most of these are free or at least under $10):

*Call us from work to tell us you were thinking of us. We love that and it's free unless you call us from a cell or pay phone.

*Bring us a book or magazine you may think we'd like. Again, we're suckers when you're showing us you thought of us when we aren't nagging you.

*Clean up the house. Hoo, what a turn-on.

*Open a door. Yes, I'm aware that it's old-fashioned and most women don't even wait for you to do it anymore but try it. Just rush ahead one time and open the mall door. It'll be worth it.

*A massage. No, (and hear me on this one) not a foreplay massage but a real massage. Massage that turns into blind thrusting after 5 minutes NEVER turns us on. Trust me.

*Cook. It doesn't have to be edible, just make an effort.

*Take the kids and get out of the house. Take them somewhere fun and leave your lucky lady in the house alone. We'd have a long hot bath, watch tv or have a silly telephone conversation with a friend. Heaven for an hour.

See? None of these are expensive or would put you out in any way shape or form. Honestly. Give one of them a try next week and tell me what happened. But don't go into to much detail for the love of God.


Thursday, February 19, 2009


Why do I have to be a grownup? Sometimes I just don't wanna. Haven't you ever had one of those days where you just want to stay in bed and pout or mope? Maybe watch cartoons and stay under the covers? Where you have no responsibilities... only to keep yourself out of trouble? I miss those days.

Today is one of those days where I just want to watch crap tv (do you hear me Maury? You ARE the father!! Hee.) and hang around the house not doing anything. Well, no can do. Got to shower and get the kids and myself ready to tackle the day. Can I get a testament to being a adult?



Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Final Haiku Movie Review

Slumdog Millionaire

Poor boy has answers
But his sad life gave him smarts
I LOVED this movie.

You know Bollywood totally rocks for me. I've been watching the movies for years. I recognised the actors who played the cop and the game show host. All it needed were a few more musical numbers and it would have been perfect. Okay I jest. When they break out those dance movies that bizarrely take place on a snowcapped Swiss mountainside after just being in a Mumbai slum you have to wonder. When I watch the movies on Sunday afternoons I usually take those times to stretch or make a chai. Some of these movies can be over 3 hours long. If you sit on the couch and watch steadily you could get blood clots in your legs. You think I'm being funny...

My favourite actors are Shah Rukh Khan and Arjun Rampal. Oh, how can I forget Salman Khan? Did you know I plucked those names out of my head? Told you I know my Bollywood. Favourite movie of all time (even more than this one)? Devdas, starring Sha Rukh Khan. Holy crap, I cried for days after that one. Check it out at Blockbuster. Hee. It won't be there. That's the joke.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What would you do with a million dollars?

There's a lottery right now that promises to give one million a year for a bunch of years. What an awesome prize.

There is a lot I'd do with a ridiculous amount of cash. Here's the short list:

1) Buy my friends a cruise trip somewhere nice. This way I can gift them without having them hounding me every 5 minutes for cash. Once the trip is over, so is my obligation to shower them with money.

2) Pay off my dad's house, give a bunch of money to my brother.

3) Take the kids on a long family trip. Going on a plane with the whole gang is something we'd need at least cool mil to do. Have you seen how much it costs for 5 adults to fly anywhere? We'd have to mortgage our house to go to Disneyworld. Also, we'd winter in the tropics. Every winter.

4) Buy a second car. Five people, 5 extra-curricular activities, 2 jobs, 3 different schools, one minivan... the math doesn't add up. I'm absolutely dying for a little blue Smart.

6) My Louboutins. The only surprise here is that it's so low on the list.

7) Reno the house. It doesn't matter how much money I win, I'm never moving from this house. I just want to make it perfect. Two wall ovens, corian counters, ensuite bathroom and a bedroom for each kid plus a guest room.

8) Buy a cottage. Somewhere on a lake but with all the amenities. Mama needs a satellite and a fancy kitchen.

9) Personal trainer and chef. I need them.

10) A maid. Really? A millionairess who cleans her own grout with a toothbrush? Please.

I think that's it. It would be so nice to have a little monetary wiggle room. A girl can dream, can't she?


Monday, February 16, 2009

Another commercial beef

Okay 2 ads by Tide. One I hate another I love. Why? Different ad agencies? Maybe? Different targets? Could be. But here is my beef anyway.

There's a Tide ad with this body image destroying skinny woman trying on white jeans in front of the mirror. The narrator says something like "12 weeks to get into them, 1 messy kiss to ruin them". They cut to a little girl eating something gross, running up to the mother and planting one on the leg of those jeans. The mother hugs and smiles and washes her pants. The premise is that you wash with Tide and you can wear them again. Whatever. Something bugs me about that ad. I can't put my finger on it. Is it the mother who only needs 12 weeks to become a size 00? I wasn't even that size when I was 12 years old. Is it the clunky language? 12 weeks... 1... kiss... seems hastily written. The fact that if it was me there'd be a lot more screaming and spanking involved? Maybe a little justifiable homicide? Don't judge me.

Now this Tide ad I love. Simple, funny, short, to the point. All my favourite things about a commercial. Now why do I still have to be subjected to the doormat, anorexic mother in the tight pants? Ugh.


Friday, February 13, 2009

Haiku Movie Review 4

First let me say I loved it. Yes, it was long but it was really sweet. Sort of Gump-y. The second half was awesome. Now that's what I think an Oscar movie should be. Frost/Nixon indeed...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Flick heats up after
Old Ben turns into "Brad Pitt".
Damn, that man is fine.


Dr. Who theme

This one has to be the most annoying theme to "sing" to someone who's never heard of Dr. Who. Try it.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Day 4 of amazing tv themes

Today I'd like to show you my brother's tv show theme. Okay, he's not actually my brother but I sure would like Will Smith to be related to me. You know, bring over Jada and the kids, have sack races, swing in hammocks, drink lemonade... sigh....

Where was I? Oh yeah. The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Haiku Movie Review 3

Scott and I saw the 3rd of our Best Picture Oscar Nominees tonight. Here's my review of The Reader in 17 syllables:

The Reader
A young boy in love
Kate Winslet has a secret
This one's not for prudes


TV themes: Day 2

Short and sweet (just like me). Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, LOST. Love the theme, the show makes me feel stupid. I stopped trying to keep up years ago and just let the pretty pictures wash over me.


Monday, February 9, 2009

I love tv as you well know

So I thought this week I'd show you some of my favourite tv title sequences. The show may not necessarily be one of my faves but the title sequences (and often the music) make me happy like nothing else. Here's my most favourite right now. From Mad Men. If you've never seen it, find it. I'm not kidding, the show is fabulous.

And just let me add the Simpson's version for shits and giggles...


Friday, February 6, 2009

So I was rifling through a drawer the other day

and I found the most interesting thing.

Actually I had pulled open the drawer so I could put my feet up on it while I was on the computer but that's neither here nor there.

I had been using the drawer as a footrest for ages but never really looked at what was inside. Turns out it's filled with a bunch of audio tapes. We hadn't used a tape deck in forever so they'd been mouldering in the drawer for ages. Among other tapes I saw some old Sade, old mix tapes that friends made, psychic readings, Jock Jams Vol. I... hey up, what's this? Two tapes, really nondescript. One says "outgoing message", the other says "incoming messages". Neat. My old answering machine tapes.
I put in my outgoing message tape in an old deck I found in the garage. A loud wailing boomed from the speaker. It was a baby crying. Loudly. Then my voice "As you can see I'm really busy right now but if you leave a message...." all the while as the baby (which when I count back must be Elliott which dates the tape back to 1996 judging from his wailing voice) was beside himself having an apoplectic fit. My present self registers two things: 1) how adorable; and 2) how long did I let him freak out before I got the perfect take? Heh.

So I then popped in the incoming tape. Memories rushed back as voices I hadn't heard in years sounded so familiar. Candace, Josée, Kristine, Wendy, Birgit... where are these women now? Why hadn't I kept in touch? And it wasn't like we weren't close because most of them left messages that began "Hi, it's me..." no names needed.

Some people I was clueless about. Who was John? He was leaving a message for me to remember that I'm meeting him at 1:30. And why was I calling the Children's Village so much? Those people left messages every couple of days.

Then there were some old friends. Andrew (Scott's good friend and Henry's godfather) called a lot. So did Paula (Audrey's godmother) . Those two are still in our lives. Scott called a bunch of times and it gave me a warm feeling to hear his past self say "I love you" in the same way his present self does. Awwww....

So that was my fun for the day. If you have an old answering machine tape you should play it if you can. It's a great memory but I won't mention all the time you'll spend searching for old friends out on Facebook.


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Haiku Movie Review 2

We saw Milk the other night. It was good. You could tell why it's up for best picture. The Academy loves this stuff. Of course it's one of my "medicine movies" so I expect them to be good for me but not too tasty. I'm planning to see "The Confessions of a Shopaholic" to cleanse my palate after this is all over.


Sean Penn is the star
Josh Brolin is the killer
Don't freak... Google it.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Sad (bad?) Charlie Brown joke

So Charlie Brown went out and bought some glass underwear. He wanted to show them off so he went over to Lucy's place. He pulls down his little black shorts and shows them off. Lucy says:

"I always knew you were crazy, Charlie Brown, but now I see your nuts."

Wow. It's even worse written down. You were right, self.


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Weird dream

Last night I had the strangest dream. Really vivid. I rarely have vivid dreams and if I do I rarely remember them.

As usual I wasn't doing anything crazy. I was driving in my minivan. Only Henry was with me but also a woman and her 2 kids who we seemed to know and treated as friends. I never felt like I didn't know them. So we were all driving along and I wanted to exit off to my left. A stupid little golf cart complete with umbrella came up on my left and prevented my exit. So I sped up to stay ahead of him and I see police lights in my rearview. Damn.

I pulled over and the cop sidled up. He saw me and the woman and all the kids and assumed we were a family. I didn't correct him. He started asking a bunch of questions then wanted to talk to the kids. He opened the side door and pulled a large branch out of the van under the kids' feet. He told me how dangerous it was to have unsecured branches and twigs in a moving vehicle then he told me to move along. Isn't that strange? Oh, and did I mention that Britney Spears' "Womanizer" was playing loudly the whole time in the background? Weird.

What could it all mean? Actually writing it down just now made me realise the kinda gay vibe in the whole thing... swishy golfcart, the cop thinking me and the woman were together (and me not saying anything about it not being true), the branch (go look up the word that means "bundle of wood"), the song Womanizer...

The subconcious is never boring is it?


Monday, February 2, 2009

"Even a broken clock is right twice a day"

I love that saying. it speaks to me like no other saying does. Even if you are a complete screwup, an utter moron, a fool of epic proportions, the clouds eventally clear from time to time and you can show a moment, however short, of complete brilliance. Gives you hope, doesn't it? Not that I'm saying you're an idiot or anything...