Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Good luck Sue! Thinking of you...

My friend Sue is having breast reduction surgery tomorrow. I know she'll be thrilled with the result because in 2001, I had the same surgery. Did you know it's the plastic surgery procedure that has the highest rate of customer satisfaction? I'm know I'm pleased!

Blossoming. They make it sound so beautiful and natural. Not when you've got the biggest boobs in grade 9. By the time I hit 14 I was already a 36D. What a nightmare. Boys thought I was easy and girls didn't like me because of it. And everyone thought I was dumb as a bag of hammers. Just because of the size of my chest. Like any of this was my fault! As a result, I was extremely shy and virtually friend-free all through high school.

It was hard to buy bathing suits because manufacturers thought that if you're big on top you must be big all over. Dresses didn't fit right, shirts didn't button down the front or puckered badly and t-shirts did that Suzanne Summers pull across the front. Not pretty. Especially since I was a teenager and wanted to look cool. I ended up wearing huge tops and sweaters to hide.
My neck was sore, my back always ached and my shoulders slumped. I don't even want to talk about how I needed deodorant or powder under my boobs for odours and chafing. Yuck. I wore a bra to bed every night and couldn't run or exercise vigorously. At the time of my reduction I was a 36FF. Yes, they make bras that big but they're ugly and cost a flipping fortune.

After the surgery, the first thing I bought was a jean jacket. I never had one before because they never buttoned up. I was such a goof cried at The Bay. I started running and lost 35 pounds. Everything was so great and I loved my new freedom. Now I wear whatever I want and I'm a respectable size 10. No one looks at me as if I'm a hooker even if I'm wearing a low cut top. I'm so happy with my boobs and will show them off to any woman (woman!) who asks to see my "new" 34Ds. I've even flashed them in the ladies room of a bar!

So I wish my friend Sue all the luck in the world. She's going to love her new girls. She's going to want to wine and dine them, take them out dancing, show them off, buy them pretty things... all the early stages of a love affair. She's so lucky. I hope she enjoys every minute of her new life. Oh and just a tip, I got massive mammaries from my mum so I'd suggest she save money for Katie's surgery like I'm saving for Audrey's. Just in case.


Monday, February 27, 2006

Olympics wrap-up

Now that my beloved Olympics are over, what have we learned? I don't know about you but here's what I learned from watching the 2006 Torino Winter Olympics:

- Turin/Torino, tomato, tomahato
- The CBC, while sucking at providing me with current Coronation Street episodes (right now we're at an unforgivable 9 months behind) truly ROCKED at Olympic coverage. Tons and tons of live feeds starting at 6am and continuing all blessed day. I'm talking entire hockey games, curling matches and every competitor in every event even if they had no chance of winning
- Canadian girls ruled this year
- I love snowboard-cross. Who knew?
- Cherry Garcia, Baked Lays and bacon cheese dip cover all food groups when you're glued in front of the men's figure skating finals
- My kids are extremely independent. Who knew they could get ready for bed all on their own? I love my babies!
- Scott can cook
- Two words: Cindy Klassen
- Okay 2 more: Chandra Crawford
- Last two: Clara Hughes
- Fourth place is horrible! It happened to us a soul-crushing 13 times
- I can't help voting for the underdog. Which is why I had no problem with our mens' hockey loss. It just made everything more interesting. Besides, that same day we won FOUR other medals. Get over it, people! All the other athletes have to get back to their jobs at Home Depot or McDonalds. Those hockey guys get to go back to their $15 million paycheques tomorrow. Do you think they really care about a gold medal? They can afford to buy one on eBay. Wah.
- Black people don't do winter
- Or Italy
- The opening and closing ceremonies can be ummm... flamboyant
- The mayor of Vancouver can do doughnuts in his wheelchair. How cool was that?
- Norm MacDonald makes a pretty snarky beaver. Too bad he had to shill for Bell for us to find that out.

I'm going to miss the Olympics. I'm sure my family will be happy to see me after two weeks of being plastered to my couch. I haven't even cut my hair since they started. I'm starting to look like Michael Jackson circa 1972. I like the summer games but not to the extent of the winter. So I'll be doing all this again in 2010. Gotta start training. Pass the Chunky Monkey...


Friday, February 24, 2006

I'm an ill, ill woman

I have reverse anorexia.

You've heard of regular anorexia... some women (and a few men) have such a skewed body image and think they're fat when they're really really thin. I have the opposite, very rare condition where I think I'm thin when I'm really quite... ummm, let's call it "curvy".

I'll go shopping and buy clothes one size too small and not notice it. If I try it on before I leave, I'll look myself up and down, positive I look just the right combination of classy and sexy. When does the truth finally slap me in the face? When I see a photograph of myself. Not at all looking classy and sexy in the same cool outfit I just bought but sausage-y and slutty. I'm always shocked and awed by what I see. A busty, roly-poly, lumpy mess. What am I seeing in the mirror? How is this getting by me? How does this happen every single time? Reverse anorexia. Anti-rexia, if you will.

Example: I had just proudly completed my 2nd ever 5K race. I had taken a long time to choose the perfect outfit. A pair of black running shorts and a cute tone-on-tone blue running tank. So adorable, I thought. So I run my race (the fastest ever for me 34:36... don't laugh, that's good for me) and arrive at the finish. There was a race photographer who snapped a shot of me all glowy and proud and happy. I thought I would look amazing. Can I just say I didn't and leave it at that? Gag.

I may have to recruit friends and family to help me stay away from the clothes that make me look like a fool. Unfortunately, shopping time is "me" time. Besides, shopping for clothes with me can be a real trial. Those of you who've done it know what I'm talking about. You deserve a medal for even trying. So what's a girl to do? Maybe bring my digital to the change room to be that impartial judge? Huh. Not a bad idea.

In the meantime I'll be tearing up photos and deleting files. And maybe I shouldn't eat a whole sleeve of saltines with butter on them and call it lunch. Mmmmm carbs....


Thursday, February 23, 2006

My baby's gone!

Did I mention to you that I lost my mp3? I'm a jogger* and I need the music to distract me from my ragged breathing/wheezing and from thinking that there's nothing I want to do more in the whole wide world but stop running.

Anyway, my mp3 was one of the first things I ever bought from eBay. It wasn't the most expensive or top of the line and it didn't have much memory but it was mine and had great running tunes on it. I only needed enough space for a couple of hours worth of music... long enough for a warm-up, cool-down and 30-45 minute run. Does anyone really need 5000 songs and a tv? Seriously. Please post a comment to this blog if you can think of one good reason for all that. I've been alive since the late 60s and I don't think I've even heard 5000 songs.

The last time I saw my little yellow baby we were at the YMCA. I must have left it there. I checked the lost and found but nothing but used water bottles and mouldy towels. Geez, what are the odds? Did you know that the C in YMCA stands for Christian? I'm just saying.

So as a memorial to my Rio Cali 128 (the rubbery yellow one with the joggers armband) here are the tunes I had on it. I hope the "Christian" that's using it right now loves it as much as I did.

(* fair-weather only... no rain, snow, heat or cold will ever get me outside. I don't jog if it's under 1C or over 25C. I don't jog if it's foggy, early, late and turn around when the battery dies on my mp3. I've also been known not to jog if it's too windy LOL!)

1) Hate To Say I Told You So- The Hives
2) Unconditional- the Bravery (love any band that sounds like Duran Duran)
3) Fuck, Yeah- Team America World Police Soundtrack (hilarious satire)
4) Kanye West- Touch The Sky (gotta love the egomaniac)
5) I Don't Care (Que Mas De)- Ricky Martin and Amerie ft. Fat Joe
6) Honest Mistake- The Bravery
7) Don't Stop Till You Get Enough- Michael Jackson (kicking it old school LOL)
8) Right Before My Eyes- The Snitches (Olympic fever! Care of HBC)
9) Lean Back- Terror Squad
10) Pump it Up- Joe Buddens
11) Dance Dance- Fallout Boy
12) Let Down- Bif Naked
13) No Brakes- The Bravery
14) Ring The Alarm- Keshia Chante (Ottawa girl!)
15) Put Your Body In Motion- The Wiseguys (like songs that keep me moving)
16) American Idiot- Green Day (just love the title PMP!)
17) The Official World Cup Theme- Colourbox (I'm an 80's lady)
18) My Style- Black Eyed Peas
19) Lose Control- Missy Elliott
20) Pump It- Black Eyed Peas
21) WooHoo- Blur
22) Do You Want To- Franz Ferdinand
23) Baby Got Back- Sir Mix A Lot (Oh, I got back, baby...)
24) La Copa De La Vida- Ricky Martin
25) She Is Beautiful- Andrew WK (and I am)
26) It Takes Two- Rob Base and EZ Rock (a classic!)
27) Move It- Sasha Baron Cohen (the really funny version from Madagascar)
28) Get Free- The Vines


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Elliott gets his first bad grade

Have you ever been torn between not caring and livid? Being a parent brings out the most bizarre feelings in you. Last night Elliott brought home his worst test results ever. Something like a 35%. But (and it's a big but... I love saying that) it was on a music test. So there I sat on the couch with this pathetic attempt in my hands and I just couldn't deal. I decided to let Scott handle it when he got home from work.

I came from a family where on the rare occasion I'd get 4 A's and a B, I'd get in massive amounts of crap for the only B. I'd hear about it for weeks. I swore I'd never be like that and I really haven't. To be honest, I give the kids shit every day of the year to get good marks and keep in close contact with the teachers so when the report cards come home there are no surprises. Except this time, that is.

To top it off, Elliott is a great kid, terrific little hockey and soccer player, funny as anything, has tons of friends and usually keeps a low A, high B average. So what if he can't tell an oboe from his elbow? It's just music, right? But I don't want him to have that kind of attitude. I want him to at least try his best, that way if he sucks he comes by it honestly.



So Scott and Elliott had a talk. They looked at the test and tried to figure out where Elliott went wrong. They talked about listening to the teacher and practicing more on the recorder (uh, why am I the one being punished?). It was all very Brady actually. There was no screaming, no guilt trips and no threats like there would have been in our St. Hubert bungalow circa 1977.

Ah yes. Another parental disaster averted. This is stuff they never tell you at the baby shower. You never think this far ahead. Anyway, I'm sure I'll have plenty more opportunities to send my kids screaming to a psychiatrist to hit a punching bag with my picture on it but this time ain't one of them. In your face anger therapy.


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

I'm a wannabe model

Did I ever tell you about the time I tried out for a Dove ad? You know the one with "real women"? Well I'm as real as anyone so I gave it a go.

Scott and I were watching the evening news when the call went out. He suggested I try it. Being the former drama geek that I am, I couldn't resist. After all, it speaks to the dream I still have deep, deep down of being discovered by Hollywood, becoming a famous diva and owning a Malibu beach-house. It could happen.

Anyway off I go to the studio but my bubble is burst when I see the lineup around the building. Ack. I sidle up to the last woman and ask how long she's been waiting. I'm buoyed by her answer of 10 minutes. Of course I'm again knocked back when I ask a woman who's just leaving the building what time she arrived and she answered "noon". It was 4pm. And I was still really far away from that door.

I thank God very often for my outgoing personality. I think I made friends with everyone within earshot of my booming voice. We were soon talking and laughing like old friends. That's what standing out in the cold for hours waiting to do something absolutely ridiculous will do to people. There were the two university students who were studying to be doctors, a woman who just completed her last round of chemo for breast cancer and the madwoman who showed up in just a bathingsuit and overcoat. In November. In Canada.

We finally got in at about 6pm and things moved really quickly. We got asked to strip down to the bikinis they told us to wear and were paraded under bright lights in front of a guy holding a camcorder while a teenaged girl fired questions at us. I thought I was pretty poised considering. She asked me about my favourite body part (my thighs) and my least favourite (my jiggly stomach). I turned to the left, right and back with my arms raised up over my head like she asked. It was weird. Remember that scene in Fame where Coco got her big break and the "director" told her to take her top off? Weird like that.

Then the problem. She asked me to tell a joke. Now those of you who know me IRL know I'm funny. Hilarious, even. But jokes? Not to save my life. And this one may just be my ticket to Malibu. Think, frozen brain. THINK. Then it came. The oh, so topical joke from the mid-1990's: Why does Michael Jackson love shopping at Zellers? Because little boys' pants are half off. Hee. Comedy gold. An oldy but a goody and no crickets. Then they turned on the high powered hoses and sprayed icy water on us until... wait, that was the dream I had last night. They actually just asked us politely to get dressed and get out.

Well, I never got a callback but I realized that the whole point was how much fun I had with all those women I met. We'll probably never see each other again but for a few hours we were friends. We were all different ages, sizes, shapes, tax brackets and sanities but we all came together and had something in common besides our muffin tops and a bizarre need to disrobe in front of strangers. We wanted to be on tv, dammit. What's more noble than that? What? Learning to love our bodies just the way they are? Not trying to live up to the media/fashion industry ideal of beauty? Oh yeah, that too.


Monday, February 20, 2006

I love the movies

So as I've mentioned on previous blogs, I love awards shows. Especially the Oscars. I used to get together with my best pal Kathy either by phone or in person and we'd watch the show together. Scott has noticed the past few years since we haven't been getting together that the telecast has lost its lustre with me.

Being the awesome, attentive man that he is, he's offered to do what Kathy and I used to do together which is see this year's Oscar nominees with me. Yes, even Brokeback Mountain. If you don't know why that's a really big deal, go back to your remote log cabin where you've been holed up. And how'd you get online anyway? I've seen it already but I'll definitely see it again if only just to see his reaction. That should be worth the price of admission.

This weekend we saw Good Night and Good Luck starring David Strathairn and directed by George Clooney. Frankly I'd only had bare bones knowledge of the McCarthy hearing so the idea of movie seemed like medicine but it was surprisingly very good. All in black and white and a lot less boring than I expected. Frankly I'm a summer movie girl, preferring romantic comedies starring Hugh Grant or action movies with lots of explosions. That's right, I'm Hollywood's lowest common denominator. Definitely not a movie snob. But I do like to seem knowledgeable when I make my choice for Best Picture. I still think Brokeback was better.

So for the next few weeks I'll be all about the movies, baby! Next week we're seeing Capote (I think). This is a great way to get a date night with the hubby, too. Everybody wins. Now pass the Twizzlers.


Friday, February 17, 2006

Things I love

On this weird weather day (rain this morning, then snow, now wicked wind), I put on some soca music. It makes me feel dancey and warm and happy. I think most of it comes from having listened to it when I lived with my parents so it gives me a comfortable feeling. That and every song is about either food, partying or sex. Works for me.

Anyway, while I'm on a soca high, I've decided to ignore the crappy weather and tell you some other things that make me happy. Feel free to take note of these at gift-giving times. My birthday is 10th August.

I love: poutine, silk (or closer to my budget... rayon) pyjamas, A&W teenburgers, bacon, dancing, cheese curds, pedicures, getting a professional massage, chick lit, the sun on my face, shopping, watching tv, the Olympics, makeup, the colours orange and fuscia, gerbera daisies, the smell of oranges, cinnamon rolls, chewy cookies (notice how most of these are food?)...

The moment my pap test is finished, the smell of clean clothes, when I've stopped running, finding that perfect lipstick at the pharmacy, scratching, hugs, when my kids get a good mark on a test, going to the movies, cooking, not having to cook, feeling cosy, the internet, falling asleep...

Giving blood (Two words: Free doughnuts), going on trips, the smell of leather, driving, tv remote controls, summer, perfume samples, tea with Carnation milk and sugar, the advertising inserts that come in the Saturday paper, grocery shopping, a long hot shower, Arjun Rampal, swimming, soft skin...

Scott's eyes, Elliott's freckles, Audrey's hair, Henry's snuggles, my thighs (they're really big and muscley), my cell phone, beer, gin & tonic, days off, the crescent moon, laughing, Mike (hi Mikey!!) and a good crackly fire.

That's my deal for today. Do yourselves a favour, download some Mighty Sparrow or Byron Lee (I'd suggest the classics "Drunk and Disorderly", "Saltfish", "Tiny Winey" or "Dollar Wine") and I defy you to stay in a pissy mood.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

Olympics: Day 6

How much have I been loving the Olympics this year? My poor tv is smoking! It's on at 8am and is off around 11pm. I have to hand it to the CBC coverage. They often have live results and events and ... omg, I just saw (live) the Dutch favourites fall in men's team pursuit speed skating against the Italians! See what I mean?! Great stuff!

I've taken a peek at the American coverage but it's so packaged to fit into the 2 hours of prime time that it's lost some of it's edge. Most of the results are in already so it's almost old news when it's finally aired. If you love the Olympics, try to find CBC coverage. How cool is it to watch a whole hockey game at 7am?

My favourite sports: skeleton (Have you seen this? Crazy!), short track speed skating, hockey, team pursuit speed skating, figure skating, luge (great crashes this year), alpine skiing, snowboard-cross (I saw this for the first time this morning and fell in love) and curling. You heard me. Curling.

Sports I don't get (but still watch... it's the Olympics, eh?): ski jumping, moguls, half pipe, biathlon, bobsled and cross-country skiing. Yawn.

The sport that most makes me make uncharacteristically homophobic remarks: mens' double luge. I'm sorry but it asks for it. What can I say? I'm a weak, weak woman.
Speaking of my weaknesses, the athlete name that made me giggle the most (again, it's usually not my way to laugh at people): Chinese female speed skater Manli Wang. Hee. I freely admit my immaturity.

So there's my Olympic take as of day 5. Loving every minute of it! For those of you who don't, come on. It's only every 2 years. I'm all ready to check out the Beijing Summer Olympics in 2008. For those of you who don't have CBC, you have time to sign up or subscribe or whatever it is you do. Great coverage, I'm telling you.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Valentine hangover

I love love!

Scott and his classmates really enjoyed the gift basket and I so enjoyed putting it together that I honestly didn't need a gift from him. You know those women that say that and never mean it? Well, I'm serious. This time. I'd have been fine. Really. Luckily Scott didn't test my theory and got me a lovely gift. A mani/pedi at the spa. And not just any spa, the nicest and most expensive one in town! It's so classy it's just called "The Spa".

I won't use it until the summer when people can actually see my sexy little toes but it was so generous and sweet of him. I'm truly pleased.

I hope you all had a nice Valentines. If you didn't, I can totally relate. The 14th of February truly sucked when I didn't have someone to love. Anyway, it's all over now and those of us with significant others can get back to taking them for granted so married or single, we're all even again.


Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Happy VD!

14 Feb 06 Tuesday

Okay not literally.

So this is what I did for Scott. I thought about 2 weeks ago I'd get him a delivered basket. I surfed around until I found a "manly" one. It was Corn Nuts, fancy chocolate, Gatorade and some other boy stuff crammed into a cooler. I thought it was really cute and was all set to order it when I realized that Scott's not crazy about Corn Nuts, prefers rum and cokes and likes peanut butter and chocolate rather than the fancy stuff. And trust me, he doesn't need another cooler. After searching around fruitlessly for something more suitable, I decided to make up a basket myself.

I wrote out the list first then realized that since he's now on french language training, maybe his classmates would get jealous of him getting this kick-ass care package. So I decided to get enough food and treats for the whole group. Thank goodness there are only 11 of them.
Here are the contents of the basket (actually a plastic laundry bin from the dollar store): coffee, hot chocolate, tea, homemade rolls (by me early this morning *yawn*), Reese's Pieces, deli turkey, old cheddar cheese, Lay's salt and pepper chips, cokes, rum, toffee fudge (again made by my own loving hands), spicy nuts, cups, napkins, knives, sugar, creamers, spoons, a chocolate heart (just for him), an airplane magazine (his fave), cards made by the kids and a card that plays music from me (My First, My Last, My Everything by Barry White). It weighed a ton!
So here I sit waiting for the phone to ring saying that it arrived safely. It was really fun to put together and it means so much more having spent an afternoon with the kids searching for stuff to add and bribing the kids with gum to keep them quiet for 3 days. Frankly I spent twice as much money as I would have for the cooler thing but feeding his class and adding things he likes was totally worth it.

Now to bask in the afterglow...


Monday, February 13, 2006

Check out our checkups

Today we're all going to the doctor's for a checkup. All 5 of us. This should be good. The appointment starts at 10:40am and hopefully I'll be home by 3pm to start work. Fingers crossed, eh?

Thankfully we've all been in pretty good health this winter **frantically knocking on wood** so we're just going for our general piece of mind. We each have a health concern of our very own. Watch out world, here comes very the definition of "too much information": I tend to get terribly impacted ear wax. Sometimes I wake up and can't hear at all in one or the other ear. Scott has sinus troubles (among other things), Henry sucks on his tongue and is putting his bite at risk, Elliott has excema and Audrey has asthma. As I said, we've all been generally healthy but it's nice to get the yearly tune up.

When I called the kids' schools this morning to tell them they'd be absent, I had 2 very different conversations. Henry's going to a new school this year and takes the bus so no one knows me. I had to say "Hello, this is Mrs. Karen Kaye, My son's name is Henderson Kaye. He's in Mrs. Rodgers' morning SK LDD class and won't be in today. He's going to a doctor's appointment. Thank you, goodbye."

When I called Elliott and Audrey's school, it was a different story. We've been going there for 6 years and we walk so every staff member and student knows who I am. This was the other conversation. "Hey Judy! This is Karen. How are you? The kids (and note I didn't even have to name them) won't be in today because we have a mass doctor's appointment. Yup, all 5 of us! Oh yeah, we're all healthy, just a checkup. Thanks for asking. We'll see you tomorrow, okay? Byebye!" I love that school.

Well, gotta fly! My ears may need an enema (ugh!).


Friday, February 10, 2006

Latest. Blog. Ever.

I'm usually really good about writing this thing in the morning but today the kids were off school and I had some errands to run. The kids and I went on a "field trip" to the Mall to pick up some things for Scott's Valentine's gift. I won't go into it anymore in case he reads this. I'm absolutely positive he doesn't, though, but it may get back to him so I'm keeping schtum. For now. Know I'll be bleating incessantly about it next week.

Then I got caught up in the Olympics coverage. How FUN! Seeing all these young kids all pink-cheeked and happy, proud to represent their countries. Sigh. it makes me wish I was Olympic good at something. Unfortunately eBay shopping isn't an event. Yet.

Anyway, they did one of those cool things where hundreds of people formed a ski jumper, moving just like he would in real life. So cool! And the athletes came in to disco. Fun! Then there are the Olympic trivia nuggets. I'm a trivia fiend and the Olympics have tons for me to soak up. Like the fact that Ethiopia has a "team" of one lone skier. Like "grandma luge" who is 52 and throws herself down an icy toboggan run for the glory of the Virgin Islands. And of course there's the invincible Canadian hockey and curling teams. HOW COOL IS THIS STUFF! You can't make any of this up. It's the ultimate in reality tv.

So I'll be glued to the tv for the next 2 weeks, loving every minute of the happiness and heartbreak. But of course I'll try to get the blog posted by noon. Life must go on.


Thursday, February 9, 2006

I love award shows

So yesterday was good, clean fun. My friend Jo came over and we watched the Grammys together. To be honest I couldn't tell you one winner. We talked and laughed all through the broadcast. We dissed the clothes, the speeches, the performances, the people... very fun and satisfying.

It reminded me of a certain Oscar party I went to in Miami a few years ago. I actually flew there from Ottawa and stayed for a week just to watch tv with my best friend. To make it special, Kathy and I bought expensive hors d'oeuvres, put on our best dresses and did our hair and makeup. Just the two of us in her apartment. Go big or go home, right? Then we sat in said dresses (and heels) and pigged out on the couch. I'm not sure but I think it was the year Halle Berry won. All I remember for sure from that year was swearing that we'd do it every year. Unfortunately it never happened again but it's only because the logistics changed. She moved to Europe. Loooong (but good) story.

I was so crushed the first year after the promise that I drank a whole bottle of wine (yuck) by myself on Oscar night and passed out, missing the entire broadcast. These award shows are just no fun to watch on your own. Especially when you're dozing in a pool of your own spittle.
The Oscars are coming on in a month and I plan to watch but I'm spoiled for Miami and nothing else compares. So I'll dutifully see the Best Picture Nominees like I do every year and root for my fave. So far Brokeback is the only one I've seen and it rocked. Hopefully I'll get a chance to talk to Kathy on the phone for a few minutes during the show and we'll try to relive the fun we had that time ages ago. It's all good. Besides, Scott can bitch about ugly outfits with the best of them. Thank goodness for him.


Wednesday, February 8, 2006

Sorry to do this to you again

But I have a million things to do today. I have a friend coming over to watch the Grammys and sleep over and I've got to clean, cook and prepare the spare room. I also have a ton of laundry. UGH. So here's another one of those survey thingies:

100 Questions
1. Taken a picture naked? No
2. Painted your room? Yes
3. Kissed a member of the same sex? Yes
4. Drove a car? Yes
5. Danced in front of your mirror? Yes
6. Have a crush? Yes
7. Been dumped? Yes
8. Stolen money from a friend? No
9. Gotten in a car with people you just met? Yes
10. Been in a fist fight? Yes
11. Snuck out of your house? Yes
12. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? Yes
13. Been arrested? No
14. Made out with a stranger? Yes
15. Met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere? Yes
16. Left your house with out telling your parents? Yes
17. Had a crush on your neighbor? Yes
18. Ditched school to do something more fun? Yes
19. Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex? Yes
20. Seen someone die? Yes
21. Been on a plane? Yes
22. Kissed a picture? Yes
23. Slept in until 3? Yes
24. Love someone or miss someone right now? Yes
25. Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by? Yes
26. Made a snow angel? Yes
27. Played dress up? Yes
28. Cheated while playing a game? Yes
29. Been lonely? Yes
30. Fallen asleep at work/school? Yes
31. Been to a club? Yes
32. Felt an earthquake? Yes
33. Touched a snake? Yes
34. Ran a red light? No
35. Been suspended from school? Yes
36. Had detention? No
37. Been in a car accident? Yes
38. Hated the way you look? Yes
39. Witnessed a crime? No
40. Pole danced? No
41. Been lost? Yes
42. Been to the opposite side of the country? Almost
43. Felt like dying? Yes
44. Cried yourself to sleep? Yes
46. Sang karaoke? Yes
47. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? Yes
48. Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? Yes
49. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
50. Kissed in the rain? Yes
51. Sang in the shower? Yes
52. Made love in a park? No
53. Had a dream that you married someone? No
54. Glued your hand to something? No
55. Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole? No
56. Ever gone to school partially naked? No
57. Been a cheerleader? No
58. Sat on a roof top? Yes
59. Didn't take a shower for a week? Yes
60. Ever too scared to watch scary movies alone? Yes
61. Played chicken? No
62. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
63. Been told you're hot by a complete stranger? Yes
64. Broken a bone? No
65. Been easily amused? Yes
66. Laugh so hard you cry? Yes
67. Mooned/flashed someone? No
68. Cheated on a test? Yes
69. Forgotten someone's name? Yes
70. Been to a bar? Yes
71. Anyone offer you a drink? Yes
73. Blacked out from drinking? Yes
74. Played a prank on someone? Yes
75. Gone to a late night movie? Yes
76. Gone skinny dipping in a lake? No
77. Failed a class? Yes
78. Choked on something you're not supposed to eat? No
79. Played an instrument for more than 10 hours? No
80. Cheated on a girl/boyfriend? No
81. Did you celebrate the 1st of July? Yes
82. Thrown strange objects? Yes
83. Felt like killing someone? Yes
84. Felt like running away? Yes
85. Ran away? No
86. Did drugs? Yes
87. Had detention and not attend it? No
89. Made a parent cry? Yes
90. Cried over someone? Yes
91. Owned more than 5 sharpies? Yes
92. Dated someone more than once? Yes
93. Had/Have a dog? No
95. Been called a tease? Yes
96. Smoked? Yes
97. Drank 25 sodas in a day? No
98. Broken a CD? Yes
99. Shot a gun? Yes but it wasn't loaded
100. Had feelings for one of your best/good friends? No

Feel free to ask me to explain any of my answers. Some have interesting stories attached that I don't have time to go into. Have a great day!


Tuesday, February 7, 2006

Feeling fat today

I'm one of those people. I'm concerned about my weight but I'm not motivated to change anything. Don't get me wrong... I'm definitely not obese or anything but I'm a few pounds over the "suggested" weight for my height. But (and here I'm resisting the urge to say "big butt") I'm quite fit. I work out several times a week and have run in 5K races since 2004. This year I'm going to try my first 10K. I love aerobics, running, biking and weight training. In fact in high school I won a medal in a deadlifting competition and specialised in sprinting. As a result my thighs are monstrous. They are freakishly big for my body and very firm. I'm terrified they'll turn to jelly so I keep on exercising.

My 3 kids have laid waste to my stomach. After 3 c-sections it's flabby and jiggly and a roadmap of nasty, deep stretchmarks. My dream is to have a tummy tuck for my 40th birthday. Scott's still not too sure about indulging me on that one.

It's a wonder I have any weight to lose. What with exercising around 5 days a week, chasing my kids around 24/7 and running errands (get it?). Why can't I lose weight? I think it's my SAHM lifestyle. I end up on the computer and (I'll admit it) watching daytime tv for part of the day. Then there's the constant access to the fridge. And the fact that I'm a damned good cook and bake bread, cookies and even home-made pretzels on a regular basis. Because I do home daycare, I want the kids to have a nice snack when they get home from school. Chocolate chip cookies, rice krispie squares, cupcakes... What's on today's menu? Apple Brown Betty. And of course, I can't resist my own terrific cooking so I've got the solution: I need to get a job outside the house.

I'd be slim because I'm away from the fridge and we'd have more money coming into the house. Of course we'll have nothing homemade anymore because there'll be no time or energy, I'll be stressed and dinners will be Uncle Ben's sauces over Minute Rice (ugh). Huh.
I think I'll take my extra 15 pounds, wander over to the fridge and grab the apples for the brown betty, defrost some chicken breasts for the Nachos Deluxe dinner we're having tonight and a little bit of lunch for myself. Something healthy? Nah. Maybe tomorrow.


Monday, February 6, 2006

I'm comin' out!

Okay. We've been friends for a while so I'm going to admit something to you. Something I usually keep to myself. Here goes. I'm a Star Trek fan. Not the original series but The Next Generation. A big Star Trek fan. So big, in fact, I can tell you that Geordi La Forge's VISOR is an acronym standing for Visual Instrument and Sensory Organ Replacement. Also that the name of the mining shuttle that Dirgo, Captain Picard and Wesley Crusher took in the episode Final Mission was the Nenebeck. My favourite episode? The Inner Light. Oh and (Chain Of Command II) the one where they show Captain Picard's bum. Hey, I'm still a girl.

I've been to conventions and I'll go again. I've met Marina Sirtis who played Deanna Troi (she's even shorter than me) and Michael Dorn who played Worf (really hot under all that makeup!). I went to Las Vegas last year and the highlight wasn't winning $100US at the roulette table, it was the Star Trek Experience interactive museum. Scott and I spent hours in there checking out uniforms and Klingon bat'leth swords. Seeing the bridge brought a tear to my eye and my photo with the Ferengi I met sits on the mantle with my family photos. I even ate a Quark's bar. I love Star Trek.

But what I will never ever do (and feel free to call me to the mat on this one) is dress up. You will never find me in a Starfleet uniform or wearing body makeup of any kind. Now don't get me wrong... there are things I will do. I own a Bajoran earring (the purple one) and I'll wear it proudly to any convention. I have a Star Trek watch that I wear everyday. I also have a couple of cute t-shirts. But that's it. As dorky and obsessive as I am about Star Trek, I still reserve the right to laugh at the people who dress up. I mean, come on. Full Star Trek regalia in public? Where people can see you? Going to Klingon language camps? You've got to be kidding. There was even the story about the woman who got booted off a jury for wearing her Starfleet "uniform" to court. Yikes.

I guess it's a little like being gay. There's a time and a place for seeing stuff like that. You're with your own group of gay/trekkie friends and you are loved and accepted. You wear your drag/uniform to the grocery store or church and you're bound to look like a loon. Face it.
Anyway, I'm out now and proud. Live long and prosper.


Friday, February 3, 2006

The tooth fairy visited us last night

Henry, my 6 year old, lost his third tooth yesterday morning. It was one of the upper middle ones so he's going to look like a slack-jawed yokel or professional hockey player for the next little while. Poor kid.

He asked me if the tooth fairy was real. Now, in my house we're big fans of perpetuating childhood lies for as long as we can. Elliott at 9 I'm sure has serious doubts but he never voiced them about Santa Claus this year. He asked tons of logistical questions like how he visits homes without chimneys and how he can see the whole world's kids at once and stuff like that but nothing overt. Mwahahaha! He's my baby for yet another year.

When Henry asked his question, I seriously considered telling him the truth. I'm not sure why, he just caught me off guard. The tooth fairy is one of the minor childhood myths, anyway, right? Not like the big boys: The Easter Bunny or Santa. But I stopped myself. I just couldn't do it. Maybe it's like drugs. You start with weed and it escalates to heroin. So you start telling kids there's no Tooth Fairy and suddenly they're being pissy at Christmastime because they know Santa is just a way of grown-ups keeping kids under control at Toys R Us for the month of December. Yikes. I lied my face off.

So Henry fell asleep last night at 9pm and at 10pm I snuck in and gave his gaping maw a kiss as I swapped that tiny tooth for a shiny toonie. And I'll keep on doing it for as long as he'll let me. Now if someone could tell me what to do with a jewellry box full of 3 kids' worth of baby teeth. I'm thinking grim maracas...


Thursday, February 2, 2006

I love those internet "get to know you" things

I hate hate HATE internet forwards and jokes. As soon as I see "fwd" in an email subject line, I delete it. Stupid virtual snowball fights, baby kisses, cats playing guitars, the phone will ring, this image will pop up nonsense. YUCK!

But as much as I hate that other stuff, I love those "get to know you" quizzes. I think it's a symptom of my vanity and a love of talking about myself to anyone who'll listen. Now don't get me wrong, I won't fill them out and forward them to my whole address book. I like to do unto others. But I will fill them out and keep them for myself or post them on other bulletin boards I visit. Now when I get them I can post them here. Here's the first one. Of many.

Two Things:

Two Names You Go By
1. Karen
2. Mummy

Two Parts of Your Heritage
1. Black
2. Believe it or not I have a White great-grandfather

Two Things That Scare You
1. Moths (can I admit I almost had a panic attack just googling them?)
2. Camping

Two of Your Everyday Essentials
1. Internet
2. television

Two things that you are wearing right now
1. workout clothes
2. 3 rings

Two of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)
1. Black Eyed Peas (except "My Humps")
2. Foo Fighters (okay, Dave Grohl)

Two Things You Want in a Relationship
1. humour
2. flexibility

Two Truths about you
1. I'm vain
2. I prefer being indoors

Two Physical Things that Appeal to You About the Opposite Sex
1. good teeth
2. groomed feet

Two of Your Favorite Hobbies
1. Computer
2. watching tv

Two Things You Want Really Badly
1. more money
2. to be a permanent stay-at-home-mum

Two Places You Want to go on Vacation
1. Prague
2. Hawaii

Two Things You Want to Do Before You Die
1. act again
2. become friends with someone famous

Two Things You Are Thinking About Now
1. getting the kids off to school
2. I need to use the bathroom

Two Stores You Shop At
1. Payless shoes
2. Smart Set

Two people you haven't talked to in awhile
1. Paula
2. my brother Mike

Two of the websites you visit a lot
1. my June 98 playgroup
2. Breast Health Online

Two cars you want
1. a Smart car
2. a Mini Cooper

Two pets you had/have
1. Taz (have)
2. Endora (had)

Two Favorite Sports (to play/watch)
1. figure skating
2. hockey (go Sens go!)

Two things you did last night
1. watch tv
2. sleep

Two shows you like to watch currently
1. Coronation Street
2. Dead Like Me (I love the repeats)


Wednesday, February 1, 2006

Ding dong, saviours calling

I just got finished exercising when I heard a knock at the door. All sweaty and panting I open it up and see my friendly neighbourhood Jehovah's Witness standing outside. She mumbled something about angels, thrust a Watchtower into my hand and buggered off with her partner in crime.

When did I get on their visiting list? I must have said something to encourage them at some point otherwise they wouldn't be knocking, right? I just don't remember. It must have been one of those times when Scott was out of town on business for weeks on end and was feeling lonely and anxious for adult conversation. What a pair of adults to choose.

I was raised strictly Catholic. And when I say strict I mean strict. When I moved out I took the opportunity to stretch my religious wings and by that I mean sleep in on Sunday mornings. Scott's a lapsed Unitarian and when we decided to marry we went for the happy medium. Anglican. They let women be priests and men priests get married, dress casually but keep a lot of the Catholic rituals in the mass. Awesome. The kids are all baptised Anglicans.

So why do the Witnesses keep coming over? I don't give them any money (although I did buy a children's bible from them once in a fit of guilt when at age 6 Elliott asked me who Jesus was). We don't even chat anymore. They just hand me the Watchtower and leave. How are they going to convince me to switch teams? They're so not trying. What they need is a gimmick. Maybe a customer rewards programme. Save 4 people you get the 5th for free or something. Frankly, I'm glad they haven't been bothering me too much lately. I'm actually flipping through my Watchtower instead of flipping it into the recycle bin.