Okay, not really but I thought I'd give you my version of a "live blog". Which is just me telling you what I was doing at interesting points in the telecast. Well, interesting to me anyway. I'll try not to make it too long. A sidebar: The TV Guide says the show will run from 8:30 to 11pm. We'll see.
8:30- a parade of nominees just got introduced. Underwhelming
8:32- Opening song and dance number by Neil Patrick Harris. Squee! Things are so looking up.
8:44- Steve and Alec were funny during their opening monologue (bilogue?)... I laughed out loud a lot. I'm happy for them.
8:49- Here we go... Best Supporting Actor is: Christophe Waltz. He was terrifying in Inglourious Basterds. He made me feel the way Javier Bardem did in No Country For Old Men. Brrr... Boring speech. though.
8:58- An embarrassing compilation of the animated movie nominees getting interviewed by Barbara Walters. Ugh. Why do they do this every year?
9:06- One of Audrey's fish died. We had to deal with the fallout and a fishtank worth of Audrey's salty tears. I need to take a break. Being a mother equals sacrifice just like Precious' mother says. Or more accurately screams.
9:23- Aaaand we're back. Unlike the Pancake the fish, Audrey will live. The tribute to John Hughes was fantastic. So great to see the old clips and the grown up "Brat Pack".
9:27- Can I just say that I hate, loathe and despise with a fire that burns, the CTV feed of the Oscars? They're cutting things short and they just made me miss a joke about ugly actresses.
9:32- I like when someone I never heard of makes a good, funny speech that is mercifully short. Bravo to the guy that made the animated film "Logorama".
9:34- Holy hell, it's a reverse Kanye. A black man was talking and a white woman just broke in and interrupted him. They were winners for best documentary and were the first people to be played off tonight. Ugh...
9:37- Ben Stiller as a Navi. I'm torn between feeling humiliated for him and dorkily loving every second of it.
9:45- Food break: champagne, chocolate almonds, pate, brie baked with bacon jam, crackers, cashews, french bread, pears and grapes. Overdone? Damn straight.
9:57- Ooooh... best supporting actress is Mo'Nique. Good short speech, heartfelt, wonderful. And for those of you who haven't seen Precious, go just for the last 20 minutes. That's where Mo'Nique wins her little man. It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.
10:09- Sarah Jessica Parker and Tom Ford come on to present something. Me: "That is such an ugly dress". Scott: "That is such an ugly woman". Hee.
10:18- Alec and Steve do Paranormal Activity. I laugh so hard champagne comes out of my nose.
10:23- Cutie Zac Efron is presenting. I just realized that I haven't seen Vanessa tonight. Trouble in paradise? Zac, my email is firstname.lastname@example.org. He's 23 now so it's totally not pedophiley. It is a touch cougary, though.
10:37- Bring out your dead. Ooh... this time with James Taylor accompanying. I always feel bad for the ones that don't get a big ovation. And why did Patrick Swayze get a more love than Michael Jackson? Weird. And Dom DeLuise? When did he die?
10:46- JLo comes out. Scott (in awe): She is soooo hot. Me: (silence).
10:49- Hiphop interpretive dance to the best songs? Really? Hiphop dancing to the Hurt Locker theme? Huh. The jury is still out. But I perk up once I notice Russell, the winner from last year's So You Think You Can Dance.
10:53- It's over. I liked it.
10:58- Okay, here's my advice. If you aren't a movie star, don't make a speech thanking people we've never heard of. Try giving advice like the nameless guy who just told kids watching at home (as if they'd be up this late on a school night but whatever) that what they're doing is not a waste of time. Loved it.
11:05- Things I learned while watching the Oscars: something interesting will happen it I text "dolphin" to 44144.
11:07- The Snuggie makes it's Oscar debut.
11:10- Wow, they've gone over-time. Imagine that. This never happens, people. That was dripping with sarcasm in case you missed it.
11:15- Quentin Tarantino is a giant douche. It's nothing he said or did just now, he just is. Loved his movie like cake, though.
11:18- Another bunch of no names get played off. My bed is calling me. Half a bottle of champagne on a Sunday night was not the best idea.
11:26- I like the introductions to the lead actor nominations. It's nice to hear the little speeches and it almost makes losing okay. Says the girl watching from her couch in the leopard Snuggie. But the award goes to...
11:33- Jeff Bridges. Boring speech, "man".
11:47- After some blather by Sean Penn, Best Actress goes to (what!?) Sandra Bullock. Over Meryl Streep and Gabby Sidibe? Her husband is a scary biker, right? 'Nuff said. Moving on...
11:56- Fading fast... Kathryn Bigelow wins best director for Hurt Locker. Is it the questionable "champagne" or did they just play her out with Helen Reddy's "I Am Woman?" Seriously?
11:58- The Hurt Locker wins for Best Picture. Not a shock here as the best director statistically nearly always wins this one too. I'm going to say it. For a movie about soldiers and war, it was a snooze. One of those movies where you don't really like anyone.
12:02- Steve Martin tries to wrest the Oscar away from Kathryn Bigelow who has one in each hand but she doesn't let go. She's got a deer-in-the-headlights look that tells me she's not going to remember a second of this in the morning. The show is finally over. It was anticlimactic but isn't it always?
Here's how I ranked the movies this year:
- Inglourious Basterds
- District 9
- Up In The Air
- The Blind Side
- The Hurt Locker
- A Serious Man
- An Education *(only because I didn't see it)
Highlight of the night? My baked brie topped with bacon jam and Mo'Nique winning. Lowlight? No love in the big awards for Avatar. Again, I'm going to reiterate as I do every year that the only awards given out tonight should have been:
- Best Picture
- Best Screenplay and Adapted Screenplay
- Best Director
- Best Actress and Supporting Actor
- Best Actor and Supporting Actor
Maybe something involving music for interest sake. This telecast is just too long. But any occasion where I can eat bacon jam is a good one. Bed now.