Friday, December 19, 2008

Headphones, earphones and the 7th circle of hell

I'm a huge fan of my mp3. It's the only thing that makes a potentially panic attack inducing busride enjoyable. I also use it at work to drown out talking (and here I include myself talking) and just discovered books on tape which is really comforting, like having your mother read to you. Moving on...

What I hate are headphones, earphones and earbuds. Here's my list of beefs:

Headphones: you know the ones... they have big pads that go over your entire ear. They sound great in the house but you'd look like an überdork if you wear them on the bus.

Earphones: better but they never fit quite right on my bald, (what Scott likes to call peanut-shaped) head. No matter how tight I make them they still fit badly.

Earbuds: I hate these with a fire and passion that burns. The loathing rises like bile in my throat that bubbles and writhes with the pain of a thousand... what? Oh. Where was I?

Yes. Earbuds. These are the earphones that despite my all consuming aversion are the ones that I want to work the most. The ones came with my iPod fall out of my ears at every opportunity. When I turn my head. When I sing. When I chew gum. When the sun hits them. When I have a negative thought. You name it. The ones I bought after those came with different sized silicone ends. The small ones fit "best" but they still pop out irritatingly often.

The ones I bought lately are best. The good: They stay in my ears really well because they have these ends like earplugs that you squish then cram into your head. The bad: They're going to kill me.

I can't hear anything at all besides my music and lately my book. People talk to me and I just smile and nod politely hypnotised by the way their mouths move. Hopefully they're not asking me to wear a puffy shirt. I can't hear sirens or traffic or anyone coming up behind me. When I sing out loud I can only hear that weird tone inside my head. Which makes me sing louder. Obviously these things are a danger for the outside world, too.

They can send a rocket to the moon but they can't make a decent, cheap set of earbuds. So until they can tap the High School musical 3 soundtrack directly into my cerebral cortex, it looks like I'll be buying a set of these once a month for the rest of my life. However short that'll be. When they discover it flag me down because I won't hear you calling. I'll be the one wandering into oncoming traffic listening to Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

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