Getting to know you

This is something I wanted to try care of Keely at Mann Land. She posted it last week. This kind of thing is great for those I'm-too-busy-to-blog days. You'd think that as a stay-at-home-mum I wouldn't have many of those. You'd be completely and woefully wrong.

1. Do you have a fetish?
Fetish? Nah.
2. Do you sing in the shower?
Always. We have a radio in the shower and I have to sing along. It's mandatory.
3. Who was your first crush?
My orthodontist Samuel Israelovitch. He had thick brown hair and classes to match. He showed interest in me that I thought was more than my comically horrible bite and headgear adjustment.
4. What do you think is the best manly trait a guy could have?
Being able to drive a motorcycle or fly a plane. How hot is that? Not so co-incidentally, Scott can do both.
5. Do you sleep naked?
HELL, to the no. If I could shower with a bathing suit on, I would.
6. What do you do when (you think) no one is looking?
Do I have to admit to the entire world that I check for boogers? No? Whew.
7. What's the first thing you do when you go online?
Lately I've been playing an infernal trivia game but usually I just check my emails then see if my blog came out okay.
8. Summer is.....?
The best time of the year, hands down. Canada Day, my birthday, dragonboating, painted toenails, fresh fruit, tank tops, outdoor pools... need I go on?

And that, ladies and gentlemen is all about me. To be honest, after 4 years of blogging, there are no real revelations here but I'm my own favourite subject so please indulge me (as you so often do).

kxx

My friend Adriana likes this post:

I was so touched that she called it out and said it was super funny that I thought I'd post it again. It's strange... the times I dash something off like this post, I'm shocked if it gets a good reaction. Other times I work on posts for hours, sometimes days thinking it's hilarious and everyone will love it and I get crickets. What's the deal with that? Anyway, enjoy...

Happy Weekend!

kxx

So I joined a bunch of mummy blog websites...

but I feel like a fraud. When I look at all the blogs I've written over the years, I'd say that 25% of them are about my family and a full 75% are about me and my bizarrenesses. I don't seem to gush about them very much at all. I've been reading a lot of these mom blogs and the women seem so loving and speak so tenderly about their offspring. They take gorgeous photographs of children bubble blowing in the sunshine, filled with love and beauty and all I can manage is this kind of thing, taken while giggling like an evil elf:

And don't get me started about the angry or mocking posts. About my own children and loving husband, no less. These loving women make me feel awful. Selfish, self involved and kinda mean. But you know what I've learned over my 42 years? I can't change. My family knows me and I think they even love me a little just the way I am. I just hope that when one of those good mums comes over here to read my self-indulgent nonsense, they don't think I'm a complete cow. I'm only half a cow. A calf, really. So nyah.

kxx

Things that bug me about my new banner:

• I should have plucked my eyebrow
• You can't really see that eyebrow
• I have a teeny grey hair that's exactly in the middle of the photograph
• My eyelashes are longer than my head hair
• My eyelashes look weird
• You can see the white switchplate on the wall behind me
• My eye is rheumy watery

Things I like:

• The wall colour co-incidentally matches the blog
• The shot itself is surprisingly good. Considering I took it myself with a PHD (press here, dummy) camera, that is...

Otherwise, I'm still liking it which is saying a lot considering my crippling self doubt. Conversely I have high self esteem often making what goes on in my head a very bizarre mental melange. But that's why you love me, right? Right? Guys? Helloooo?!

kxx

So I sent out emails, I put it on Facebook,

and now I'm doing it here. But I promise not to bother anyone with this after today.

As you know, I dragonboat. Once a year I humbly ask for donations for the Ottawa Dragonboat Foundation charities. There are quite a few featured charities including the local children's hospital and animal shelter.

If you feel the spirit, please donate using this link. You can use my name (Karen Knox) or my team (The ORCC Dunrobin Dames). If you donate, I'll give you a shout-out right in this here blog. I'll talk about how we met (if we've met), post a photo (if I have one) and tell an embarrassing story about you. Hm. Now that I think about it, that's not much enticement, is it? But I promise I'll be nice.

So what do you say? Will you help a sister out?

kxx

Victoria Day!

There's nothing like a long weekend to re-invigorate you and make you feel wonderful. Today we celebrate Queen Victoria or something. Mostly people drink, picnic, drink, open their cottages, drink and generally spend time outside drinking. Here in Canada, it's the kickoff weekend for summer. So have a terrific holiday Monday and see you tomorrow!

kxx

So, you like what I did up there?

I wanted to submit my blog to a "mommy blog" group to get more readers (not that I don't love you all) and they required me to send a "badge". My reaction? "A what-now?" Turns out it's a little photo of the blog that people can add to their blogs to link 'em. Unfortunately my blog didn't have a photo header so I had to make one for a good snapshot of my front page.

So after an afternoon of scouring the internet for badge-making instructions for dummies, swearing at my laptop which incidentally doesn't have a "make a badge" button (get on it, Jobs), and taking photographs of my every body part in various positions (clean, people... geez), I finally settled on the above. I'm no photographer but I think it really looks sharp. And a little spooky. Just the look I was going for. Okay, not really, I was just fed up with effing around. So, opinions? Questions? Comments?

kxx

(PS: This blog will make next to no sense to you if you are reading this on Facebook. Get thee to blogger by clicking "view original post" above)

Thank goodness for Facebook

I got a notice from Facebook that my wedding anniversary is Sunday. After some extensive research and a few interviews, it turns out that Facebook is indeed correct. My husband and I will have been married for 17 years.

Personally I think it's more important to celebrate the day we met. I mean, nothing that came after would have happened if not for that fateful wonderful day. Besides, we've only been married 17 years. I'd rather people know that we've been together for 22 years. Sounds far more oppressive. I mean impressive. What's that the comedians say? If our marriage were a murder prison sentence, we'd be on parole by now. Well that's just mean. I prefer the less harsh... if our marriage was our kid we'd be driving him to University and making his bedroom into a home gym. Potatoes, potahtoes.

But you know the most telling thing that shows that we've been happily living together for so long? We just had a complete conversation in the bathroom while he was brushing his teeth. I mean, he was scrubbing his molars and "ahh-ah-wahha"-ing. He sounded like Chewbacca and I understood every word just like Han Solo. Now that's real love.

kxx

(PS: If you are reading this blog on Facebook and it's formatted strangely, you don't see photos or videos or the links don't work, click "view original post" above and come see me on blogger)

I predict this blog is going to make you sleepy...

Fourteen years ago I visited a seer at a psychic fair. She predicted a few things dead on. She somehow knew I couldn't swim and told me to take lessons or I'd regret it. I did (what could it hurt, right?) and a few months later I found myself snorkelling in Jamaica, shocked at how beautiful the ocean was and delighted that I could swim to see it.

She predicted I'd meet an old friend from school. I didn't think that one was possible since I moved away from my hometown but a few weeks later a ran into an old girlfriend from college I hadn't seen in years. She and I are still friends today and even have sons the same age.

The psychic told me I was pregnant (I was only a month gone at the time so I wasn't showing). She said she saw me walking out of the hospital holding a blue blanket. She also said I'd have 4 kids: a boy, a girl, a boy and another boy with a large gap between the last 2. They all can't be winners, right?

But hold on...

I had Elliott then Audrey then Henry. After Henry, Scott got the Big V so no fourth. But now, 10 years after Henry was born, I have an 8 month old baby in the house. A baby boy. Hm.

Don't tell me that all psychics are do-rag wearing, vaguely eastern European accented thieves. There's got to be a little something to this kooky stuff, right?

kxx

(PS: If you are reading this blog on Facebook and it's formatted strangely or the links don't work, click "view original post" above and see me on blogger)

Look out Halle. Here I come.

It has recently been brought to my attention that not everyone has seen the tour-de-force acting triumph that is the commercial my family and I filmed a few years ago for the Chicken Farmers Of Canada. Well, today you are in for a special treat. Behold the ad that tens of dozens of Canadians hold near and dear to their hearts. Please ignore my bizarre final look. Contrary to popular belief, nobody "cut one" just before it was shot.

kxx

Mirror in the bathroom please talk free,

The door is locked just you and me.

Over the weekend I saw the English Beat in concert. I really love going to 80s band concerts. I get to relive my youth and I even went with a friend from the "old days". I looked around the room and saw so many white heads. I then I realized that I'm just as old as the codgers all around me. What happened? The lead singer Dave Wakeling kept saying that it was the 31st anniversary of the band and at first it was a wonderful thing to hear then I realized that everytime he said it I felt a mysterious twinge in my back. Funny, that.

In a town notorious for not dancing and having ridiculous dancing v. non-dancing debates, everybody was up and moving by song 2 (Tears Of A Clown) and I never sat down again. When else can I spend 90 minutes dancing full-on 80s style and not get laughed out of my neon green leg warmers?

kxx

My dad just left.

This was my facebook status update after he arrived yesterday morning:

"I haven't seen my dad since Xmas. He walked in the front door today and says "You gained weight". That's my dad. Sigh."

Thanks for all the replies of support after that post. But for those of you worried about my delicate sensibilities, don't be. This is my dad we're talking about here. He has all the subtlety of a pounding migraine headache. I'm used to it. He wasn't trying to be mean or hurt my feelings, he was just stating the facts as he saw them. To be honest, I had just admitted the same thing to myself and I was wearing a slightly fitted shirt. All of this contributed to the perfect storm of fatherly truthfulness.

Well, he's on his way back home now. We can all return to our regularly scheduled lives. And just to clarify, I love my dad. He can just be a little labour intensive and seems to be lacking the ability to filter his thoughts before they come vomiting out of his mouth. That's all.

kxx

Happy Birthday Elliott!

I'm glad I remembered it was his birthday in time to make him a cake. What kind of mother am I? Yesterday I was slaving over a Hannah Montana cake that I'm going to sell on the weekend and Audrey asked me what kind of cake I'm making for Elliott. My answer? "Cake for Elliott? Why would I make... awww, shit."

I quickly ran downstairs and asked what kind he'd like. Of course he answered the most fiddly cake in my repertoire. The lemon meringue one I make for myself. Vanilla cake, lemon curd filling and topped with singed meringue. Hey, no problem. I baked the cake, had half a jar of lemon curd in the fridge and will do the meringue just before we eat it. No problem! I'm not busy.

So anyway, Happy Birthday to the most frustrating, irritating, smelly, funny, loving, coolest 14 year old I know. I said it on the day you were born and I'll say it again today and not for the last time: Mummy loves you.

kxx

Owieowieowie!

I've been hobbling for a week now. Why? Because smart Karen went and got her pinkie toe caught under the crushing wheels of our dragonboat trailer as the team was taking the boat out of the water for the day. Just to give you some perspective, the boat holds 22 people, is 48 feet long and 900 pounds. And my baby toe is an inch long and had pretty red nail polish on it. Until it was crushed off, that is.

Do you know how much you use your little toe in a day? Neither did I. Turns out you use it for pretty much every single thing you do once your feet hit the floor in the morning. Once I stop walking like Quasimodo, I promise I'll take better care of my baby toes. No more wishing I can have them surgically removed in order to have the narrow feet necessary for my fantasy Louboutins. I'll think of another way to get those puppies to fit.

kxx

That's IT.

These are some photos my sister-in-law posted on Facebook. When I saw them I was shocked. A change needs to be made. Granted they were taken 4 years ago when I was running 3 days a week and at the gym the other days but at least I can eat better (and by "better" I mean less). These photos show me that I haven't always been so fleshy and squashy. They are now printed out and on my fridge to shame myself.

You know what gets me the most? At the time, if you'd have asked me, I'd have said I was fat. Sigh.

kxx

Mother's Day recap

I really want Mother's Day to be the days your kids are born. I said it before and I'll say it again... we did all the work and all they did was show up. Where are my presents for the combined 48 hours of labour I suffered to bring these 3 kids into the world? Is it too much to ask for the equivalent in time off from being a mother? Moving on...

We all went to Denny's where I had my first Moon Over My Hammy. It's a sandwich with scrambled eggs, ham, Swiss and cheddar cheese. It was okay but I would have replaced the regular white bread with something more sturdy like a kaiser. The second half of the sandwich got pretty soggy. On the plus side I got three homemade cards from the kids and as a mother I have to say they mean more to me than anything Hallmark can come up with in their sickest fever dreams. What can I say? I'm a walking cliché and I can totally be that sappy mum when pressed.

Then (and here comes the good part) we went to Home Outfitters and bought Terra a slicer/chopper attachment. It's so terrific. Heavy duty and works like a charm. I love it.

After that we rushed home because Elliott's hockey coach had woefully and misguidedly planned the year end team party for today. Obviously the man has an interesting relationship with his wife and his mother. Anyway, my firstborn son and husband were gone for the bulk of the day. I just watched stuff in the queue on my PVR, chopped stuff up with Terra, napped and hung out with my other children. It was so relaxing. The 3 of us even ordered a pizza and ate it off our laps in the living room. The only thing that would have made it perfect is if our dragonboat practice hadn't been cancelled. There was no choice, really. Does anyone want to paddle when it's 1C with driving wind and rain? I love paddling but there are limits.

So it's back to real life in the morning. How was your Mother's Day?

kxx

... shopping with Audrey.

It's always fun to buy clothes and hang out with your 11 year old daughter. Because the minute she turns 12 I'm sure that according to her my fashion choices will suddenly be laughable.

I had gas issues

A few days ago I had to take an icy cold shower and not for the reason you think. Our gas got cut off as if we were scary, destitute losers. Supposedly our bills and cut off warnings had been sent to another family by the same name in Toronto. Um, don't they go by account numbers? And they sure were able to find the correct house to shut us off even though they had the wrong billing address. Not cool, Enbridge. Not. Cool. Well, now that I think about it, it was cool but not in the cool way.

I would have loved to have been there when Scott tore those gas guys a new one. He's very sweet and mild mannered but don't get on his bad side. The issue with the payment was worked out but then they had the audacity to insist on a $75 "reconnection fee". I can just hear it now:

Gas Bag: All right sir, I'll just fix the billing address and arrange for someone to reconnect you ASAP. Be sure to have the $75 reconnection fee ready.

Scott: PARDON?! THE WHAT-NOW?

GB: The uhhh... reconnection fee.

Scott: So you're telling me that I have to pay cash money due to a mistake on your part? Get your manager on the line.

GB: It's standard sir.

Scott: Standard? I'll show you standard. Get me someone in charge!

GB (bursts out crying): I'm so very sorry sir, please don't be angry...

Scott (quietly menacing... and kinda sexy): You will hang up this phone and come to my house between 12pm and 4pm today. You yourself will reconnect my gas for free. In fact, while you are there you will plant a front yard garden to improve our home's curb appeal. We like tulips. When you are finished, you will personally apologize to my wife for making her take a cold shower this morning. You will then draught a resignation letter to your Enbridge overlords to become a CUSO volunteer in Papua New Guinea where the natives will...

What? Too much? But it was fun, right? Pack your bags, folks, we're off on a tangent.

kxx

You know what I want to learn?

The Vulcan nerve pinch. That's what I want to learn. It could be so handy in so many situations:

• Mugger? Nerve pinch the bastard.
• Disobedient child? Nerve pinch the little snot.
• Pissy spouse? Nerve pinch the thoughtless so and so.
• Hate your entrée? Nerve pinch your server. Bonus if they're carrying a tray.

See? How awesome would that be? Then I got to thinking that not everyone should be able to use or learn it. I can be magnanimous and maybe let cops use it. I mean they could totally subdue perps (sorry, too many cop shows) catch bad guys using it. Although you'd have to be close enough to touch them which could get weird if they have a gun or smell like B.O or something.

Anyway, that's where my mind is wandering today. Fun place. I think I'll stay a while...

kxx

Okay, things have been pretty bananas around here.

Actually if there was a real monkey involved that would be sweet. Ooooooh, there I go... off track again. Seriously, I haven't been able to concentrate on anything for the past few days. I easily go off on tangents, forgetting what I started to say. I've been finding myself standing stock still and frowning in rooms wondering how I got there and why I'm there in the first place. Even yesterday at dragonboat I'm paddling and totally spacing on counts and technique. In short... weird week and it's not even over. Now I know what it's like to suffer from dementia. Moving on...

Because of my goldfish-like attention span, today I just can't give you the quality (har!) blog you expect from me. So I'd just like to point you to my other, more easily kept (and short) blog about what I'm doing every day at 2:01. There's nothing new there yet, silly but check it out again at some time before midnight and I'll have the new post up. Have a great day and god willing, I'll have a fresh new, funny blog for you in the morning. I think I'll have to start writing them at night again. If I can stay awake, that is.

kxx

Watch as The Kaye Way completely geeks out...

Make you laugh, I will, because it's Star Wars Day! Wanna know why today is Star Wars Day?

Do ya?

Huh?

I'll give you a hint:

May the Force be with you.

Get it? May the 4th?

*Cue dorky groans*

kxx

Six-Word Memoirs

I've been enjoying this website where you submit your "memoir". The catch? You only get 6 words in which to express all you are. To sum up everything that makes you you. I love what people are writing. What did I write? I thought you'd never ask:

I watch too much television. So?

They're also doing one called "momoirs" about having/being a mom. I wrote two for that one. Ready?

Only daughter, sweetest child, tween nightmare.

and

I miss her. She loved dancing.

I'm curious about your best 6 words. What best sums you up?

kxx