In my Early Childhood Education course were taught to use "I" statements. So instead of saying "ARE YOU CRAZY? GET THE FRICK DOWN OFF THAT TABLE!!!", we had to say "I'm worried you are going to hurt yourself standing on the table so please put your feet on the floor."
I admit, most of the tips and techniques we learned at school about dealing with children I don't use or were complete bullsh!t. Seriously, telling kids to "calm down and stay close to mummy" on a walk through the mall is a whole lot less effective than a pocketful of M&Ms, believe me. But this "I statement" thing has some merit. In fact I use it all the time. It seems to be becoming one of my "good cop" parenting strategies.
While Scott will give a (sometimes heated) 45 minute "bad cop" lecture to Elliott about being responsible, I'll swoop in later with the deadly cut of a quiet "I'm really disappointed in you." With the lecture you can actually see Elliott's eyes glaze over. His eyes take on the lustre of those big chunks of fruit you see on grocery store sponge cake. If the words were actually visible shooting from Scott's mouth to Elliott, they'd be bouncing off his afro with only about 10% getting through the curls.
My rapier sharp sentence, accompanied with a hangdog look and heavy sigh isn't much but I think that's the reason it gets in. Not that it completely works, judging from Elliott's constant state of ennui, but I mostly attribute that to being an average 13 year old boy. They're just not mentally equipped to deal with half the stuff we throw at them. I think we expect too much. The longer I live with a teen, the more I think we need to treat them as if they have a special need. Because let's be honest. They kind of do, don't they?
"I Statements" that I've used in just the past 2 days:
- I'm so disappointed in you
- I feel confused about what you need
- I want to help you (this came dangerously close to "help me help you" which wouldn't have come out with a straight face.
- I feel sad when you don't talk to me
- I'm scared about what will happen to you in high school
Siiiiiigh....
kxx
3 comments:
karen (may i call you that?), i read your log when it came out (i always read it, because it makes me happy. and i check the little box.)
uh, anyway, i read this yesterday when it came out and started to comment but then thought i'd wait until you had my full attention.
i used to work as a middle-school teacher. this was not a vocational accident; i did it by choice. i worked with 6th, 7th, and 8th graders, none of whom were volunteers in my class.
a long time ago i heard a very smart man address a general assembly of kids we were working with.
"let's talk about responsibilities," he said to them. "it's your job to be ugly. it's your job to bend the rules and push the limits.
"it's our job", he said, motioning in the general direction of the rest of the staff, "to push back, to tell you we love you, and to keep you from making any really stupid mistakes that can't be fixed later.
"as long as we all understand our jobs, we're going to be fine."
it was a good thing to remind a group of kids, and i used that wisdom from time to time in my own classroom.
one day a girl stayed after a difficult class to ask: "were we bad today?"
"you were annoying", i told her, "but it was all developmentally appropriate."
"Oh." she smiled, a weight visibly lifting from her shoulders.
at that age they're about eight different kinds of ugly and have no impulse control and they don't understand most of the stupid stuff they do and although they won't ever say it, they desperately want to know that we love them in spite of and sometimes because of it. and at the same time they fight against us, they need to know we're trying to keep them safe.
..but not too safe. it's a tough balance to negotiate.
when these creatures live in your house it's hard to remember, hard not to be afraid.
so good luck to you on all that.
i'll say a prayer or two for you.
Thank you so much for posting this flask!
I know deep down that he's behaving normally but I can never forget when he was a baby and looked at me as if I could do no wrong. He's just so different right now!
I just want to do the right thing by him and make sure he's a good, thought enough man to let out into the world. He really is a lovely kid, just forgetful and passionless. And he eats me out of house and home and sleeps all day LOL!
I'm keeping your post and reading it to inspire me when he drives me bonkers! Thanks again...
k
Loved this post Karen..it took me back to when my own kids where young teens ( 2 of them now have teens of their own)..nothing changes it seems...but when they have grown and flown the nest..you will maybe look back and sometimes really long for just a few days of those years again ( i know i do).....only a few mind you..LOL.
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