Oscar and Me

You know you're an old lady when you strain your back on Friday night (get this...) emptying the dishwasher. I've been practically flat on my back for the past 2 days. How humiliating.

Anyway, it did nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for the Oscars which aired last night. In fact, it made it better as I had an excuse to pawn off making dinner and putting the kids to bed on my long-suffering husband. Thanks, Poops. He made it so I barely moved a muscle for the entire telecast. I was surrounded by the phone, ballots, pens, markers and even my laptop to play Oscars interactive on abc.com. My little Oscar command centre, if you will.

So on to my thoughts on Hollywood's big night. It was fine. Just fine. Nothing too controversial, no dress too ugly (except... what was that on Charlize's shoulder?), no political rhetoric in speeches. It was the taupey-beige of awards shows. Yawn.

Here's what I liked:
- John Stewart. He was playing it safe but he still was way funny. How could you not like a guy who wakes up in bed with both Halle Berry and George Clooney?
- Jennifer Garner's little trip. She skidded on the floor then commented that she does her own stunts. So cool. She survived everyone's biggest nightmare with a self-deprecating joke. If only we could all manage life's slip-ups with such grace.
- The dresses worn by Kiera Knightley, Jada Pinkett Smith, JLo. Everyone else's was that horrible flesh colour (yours not mine LOL!) Dull, dull, dull. And as for the men, can I ask that you make things more interesing than a boring lookalike tux? I mean, look at Ludacris.
- That a rap song won again (after Eminem in 2003) for Original Song. Too bad the song sucked. And extra points for the Black guys being unintelligible. Yay. Way to set us back. If you didn't understand the speech made by Three 6 Mafia, read the transcript.
Here's what I didn't like:
- The fashions were a snooze. If they weren't the same colour as the actresses skin (Naomi Watts and Jessica Alba) they were too boring. Black at an awards show? Woo. Edgy.
- Chicken Little. And he ripped off his pants. I won't even justify it with any more of my attention.
- Heath Ledger's attempt at Johnny Depp facial hair. Is he trying to get the same kind of respect? Listen boys, the 17 year old man-boy wisp thing doesn't work for either of you. Get thee to a barber. And Morgan, the Oscars is a dress-up day. Wear a tie. I'll forgive you because you were on Electric Company but don't take advantage of me.
Holy Dolly Parton, Batman. She's a caricature of herself.
I know tons of Hollywood insiders read the blog of a black, middle-aged, middle class Canadian mother of 3 so I'm going to now bestow my advice on how to change the Oscars telecast for the better.

Can we please give out only the major awards? Pretty please? Can we save sound editing for another day? With sugar on it? I'll be your best friend. Here are the only awards that should be given on the big night: Best Actor & Actress, Best Supporting Actor & Actress, Best Director, Best Picture (adding one for Best Comedy for us plebs), Best Screenplay & Adapted Screenplay and Original Song. That's it. If they want to still have a 3 hour show, that's cool. Just play longer clips of the Best Picture nominees for those who didn't get a chance to see them and show us some bloopers and outtakes. Have the best director nominees tell us about how hard it was to set up certain shots, audition footage of those who didn't get the job, maybe go shopping with the Best Actress nominees for their Oscar gowns, show us what's really in those gift baskets... it would be like the world's dressiest, fanciest, most expensive DVD extra . They could even sell copies later. I'd buy it. I can't be alone on this one...

kxx