Impossible plastic surgery

I've had plastic surgery. It's a poorly kept secret that I've had my boobs reduced. I could have my Michelin Man tummy tucked if I had the cash. But the surgery I'd have done if I could find the money; if it was even at all possible, would be to reduce the width and length of my feet.

I'm 5'2 (5'3 on a happy day) but I have size 9 feet. What's up with that? Their problem is that they're very very wide. I need a 9 (sometimes even a 10) to get the right width. When I can get shoes that are relatively close in width (they're never perfect), they're more like a size 8 or 8.5.

Now lately I've noticed that my left foot is one size smaller than my right (or the right is one size bigger). Nevertheless, when I buy my usual 9s, the right one fits fine and the left flips off so badly I can barely walk. I've started using inserts in my left shoe to keep it on my foot. What the eff? I'm so getting pissed with the body betrayal crap that happens when you get old.

Anyway, I'll be first in line when this revolutionary new foot surgery comes out. As it stands now (pun intended), there's no way my dream shoes (the "Blue Mouche" Louboutins near my profile picture) would ever fit on my mismatched flipper-like feet. I'll just have to be content with having impeccable fashion sense. Stop laughing.

kxx