My shame

Okay. In the 80s I liked almost every type of music. Yesterday I heard a song that brought me right back to my stirrup pants, pointy shoes and MC Hammer haircut. I've long tried to live it down but in the spirit of Karenworld disclosure, I give you one of my favourite songs at the time. My hair metal humiliation. Please be gentle...

kxx

The Bachelor: London Calling is, like, so totally rad!

NOT.

This show kills me. It's so idiotic yet I can't turn away. I had the (mis)fortune of watching with Scott last night and he grunted and groaned all the way through. It only served to remind me of how asinine this show really is. I kept having to tell him "I never said this is good I only said that I can't stop watching". It's like a gruesome accident that I can't turn away from. Ew.

I'll gloss over the details but the crux of it is that the 3 dim-bulb wanna-be hotties left are vying for a dull-as-dishwater British Bachelor. Why? My biggest beef is that these people are too young to be so desperate. They're all in their 20s for goodness' sake. The Bachelor would be so much more interesting if the women were all ones that made the decision to have a career first and are now terrified that they'll never have a husband or babies. Say, mid to late 30s. That'll do it. Throw in a few MILFs, a Cougar or two and watch the nails and fur fly. Casting like that would make me believe the tears in the "limo of shame" at the end of the show. I mean, really. Am I expected to believe that a "gorgeous" (by someone's standards, anyway), nubile young thing with her whole life ahead of her, not to mention 20 childbearing years, is this upset about getting dumped by Doormat Matt? Come on! She just got embarrassed (and rightly so) that she was dumped by her "boyfriend" on (inter)national tv in front of tens of hundreds of LCD television viewers. LCD stands for Lowest Common Denominator and, yes, I'm included.

The woman cast off last night had dinner with Matt the Plank and said "like" probably 30 times in the 2 minute televised portion of the meal. No prizes for why he chose to not give this one a rose. Excuse me? Do I remember her name? Hey gimme a break, I've only been watching the for the entire series. I have no idea. The only girl I remember is the one that irritates me most: Shayne. Daughter of Lorenzo "Falcon Crest" Lamas, granddaughter of Fernando "You Look Marvellous" Lamas, made famous by Billy Crystal. She's 22 and (shock of shocks) an actress. Last week her father outed her to Matt as a glory hog. I kid you not.

My only excuse for watching this dreck is that I'm a tv addict addicted to American pop-culture. And to be honest, deep down, I kid because I love. If the first step to recovering from addiction is to admit I have a problem, then keep walking. Just give me my fix and avert your eyes.

kxx

Monday Makeup moratorium

That's right. I don't feel like wearing makeup today so you know what? I'm not going to wear any. Granted I'll probably put on some mascara and clear lip gloss but if you knew the makeup ritual I go through on a nearly daily basis, you'd know that was nothing. Why am I doing this you ask? Eh. Something interesting. And something to talk about at work. That and having the ability to rub my face when I get tired later. That'll be cool.

I started wearing quite a bit when I cut my hair in 1994. I figured I needed something to take away from the fact that all I had now was face. Lately I've been feeling like a slave. I had dragonboat practice this weekend and even knowing I'd get wet didn't stop me from trowelling it on. Of course it was waterproof. So today, nothing. No foundation, blush or concealer. I have to wear mascara because due to a bizarre twist of fate, I have hardly any grey hairs on the top of my head but nearly all of my lashes are grey. Freaky. I'm not subjecting greater Ottawa to that.

So if you see me today, please don't tell me I look tired or old. I'm just looking like a 40 1/2 year old woman. This is reality, people. This is what we look like. But not to worry, the fantasy will resume tomorrow.

kxx

Have you seen this?

This poor guy was stuck in an elevator for 41 hours. Almost 2 days. Which begs the question... where did he pee?

Have a good weekend, kiddies! And my advice? Take the stairs.

kxx

I’m a piece of work

The other day at work my friend Jackie and I were talking and I mentioned that I'm one of my favourite people. "Wow!", I thought to myself. "I'm such a narcissist." Later I commented that I laugh when people fall. Now don't get me wrong, I do go help, but inside (and outside too if the fall is particularly comedic) but I laugh first. "Huh!", I thought. "What a sociopath." Still later I said I was pretty. Gee, I'm a vain egomaniac, too. I mention this to Jackie and she said that if I realise that I'm this way then maybe I'm not as bad as I think.

But is there anything worse than a vain, egomaniacal, sociopathic, narcissist?

kxx

Okay, I promise, no High School Musical (1 or 2), no London, and no shoes...

So, ummm.... how are you doing? Good. Weather okay? Yup, liking the sunshine. Errr... Ooooo, is that the right time? Gotta fly. The clothes won't sort themselves, you know. See you all tomorrow. I promise I'll write something good. Well, good for me that is.

kxx

Happy Earth Day!

And in honour of this special day, this day to remember to reduce, reuse and recycle, the day that David Suzuki lives for and holds dear, please enjoy this video.

kxx

This one doesn’t have a title

Because frankly, I'm speechless. Speechless in an I-need-to-write-a-lucid-blog-about-this-right-away kind of way.

Elliott and I went shopping for shoes yesterday. He was previously wearing size 6 (men's!) and they were too small. So we bought him a new pair. Before I tell you the size, let me remind you that he's 11 years old. Yes, he'll be 12 in a couple of weeks but technically he's still eleven.

Elliott and I walked away with a size 10. Ten. Please, baby Jesus, let his feet stop growing. I'm torn between being proud that he's surpassed his dad in foot-size (Scott's a 9) and absolutely disgusted with myself that my thoughts are turning to how happy he'll make some woman someday (*shudder*). He was the only kid with a mustache in grade 5. Freckles and a mustache, 5 feet tall and size 10 feet. He also smells weird and has aspirations to be a sound engineer. Very mature. What happened to to 7lb 13oz baby I had? You should have seen him. So cute and malleable. The two of us wanted the same things. Milk and a full night's sleep. How things change.

kxx

When did I start getting old?

Before I begin, I have to let you know that this will be the most sensational blog ever. Okay, I'm watching too much Bachelor. But really, this post is seriously TMI. Ready? Here goes:

I'm peeing my pants ("trousers" for Kathy). Often. Not enough to show, not enough to even wet my clothing, just enough to, well, feel like I'm peeing my pants. In the past week I've done it at least once a day on one of 3 different occasions. When I was laughing uproariously like I do a lot... damn my carefree and effervescent personality. When I sneezed at work (ugh.) and once when I waited about 10 minutes too long to actually go pee. I may be making this sound amusing but, people, THIS IS FAR FROM FUNNY.

I work hard. I pay taxes. I'm a nice person. I'm kind of pretty. I dress nice. I'm relatively young. Terrific family. I dragonboat. I can bench 100 pounds. For goodness sake, I even skipped yesterday. So what the hell is going on? Is this going to get worse? Am I going to have to start shopping for adult undergarments? Have supper at 5pm? Bed at 9? I have been finding lots of grey hairs lately. Am I going to have one of those salt and pepper afros? This is so distressing. I'm freaking out. I need to get another tattoo which is what I do when I feel old. Or maybe I'll go skydiving. Or pay a cute young boy to flirt with me (besides young Kevin my personal trainer... actually he does a pretty good job of it until he tells me I'm older than his mother. Hmph.). I've got to do something. Something before my bladder strikes (or fails to strike) again. Traitorous organ.

Skipping

And I'm not talking about school or work or even with a rope. I'm talking about the actual act of skipping.

On the way home from taking Henry to the bus stop, for some reason I had the insane urge to take a few skipping steps. Ignoring the uncomfortable combo of embarrassment and exhiliration, I skipped. It was really fun. I think I even laughed out loud a bit. No wonder kids do this.

When did we stop skipping? Why? It's excellent cardio and I defy you to be in a bad mood once you're done. I honestly can't remember the last time before today that I skipped down the road with carefree abandon. Of course after a few metres my adult humiliation started to take over wondering what my curtain twitching neighbours must have thought and I slunk the rest of the way home.

But wouldn't it be great to have a judgement-free skipping area? Or maybe a time of day? Or even a class at my local fitness centre? Oh, who am I trying to kid? We adults are just too stuck in our grown-up ways. It's too bad. I say you all should take a few skipping steps today. It'll do your body and mind good. Seriously.

kxx

What do Faith Hill and I have in common?

We both rock some Louboutins. Okay, she can actually afford to buy them and not just fondle them suggestively but I've bought them in spirit. Sigh. I actually dreamed about shoes last night. I was trying them on and was told by the saleslady that they were on sale for $128. I nearly bit her hand off. But I woke up before I actually owned them. Damned alarm clock.

kxx

Folders vs. Crumplers

Now here's something you don't think about every day.

I was reading my new favourite book JPod which I'm reading very slowly since I love it so much I don't want it to end. Anyway, In it was a bit about folding vs. crumpling as it relates to using toilet paper. I never thought about this before.

Before I came to live with Scott I'd never seen someone fold toilet paper. I actually laughed as I watched and mocked a little... the word "anal" may have been used... and the resulting hilarity has banned me from the bathroom while Scott's in there forever. I, as you may have guessed, am a crumpler. According to Douglas Coupland who wrote the book, the results fall 50/50. It's something I've never asked anyone but as with anything I assume that people do what I do. I'm asking at work today. You ask too then let me know your results on here. I'm really curious about this one.

"You. Go. DO!" (HSM2)

kxx

Somebody gave me the finger!

I was shocked and really, I haven't been able to let it go all weekend. Another driver on Friday morning gave me the finger.

Many (many) times I know I deserve it but honestly, this time it came out of the blue. I was driving along and came to a four-way stop. Another car was there so I gestured for him to go ahead. He did ended up in front of me. He was driving about 5kms under the speed limit which irritates me but I was on my way to work so I grumbled but that was about it.

I followed him onto the highway as we were going the same way. He was going really slow in the acceleration lane (which made me grouch some more) and then was only going 80kms when we hit the highway. So I took the soonest opportunity to pass him. When I did, he pressed his "finger" against the window. Wha'?

I swear I wasn't tailgaiting and I only grouched quietly under my breath. I didn't gesture and honestly, heavy sighs aren't a fuck-finger offense. I wasn't late for work so I wasn't in a hurry. And I don't have the kind of job where I'd bust my ass on time to get to anyway. So what was the deal?

Now thanks to some pokey loser who, because of some percieved slight, I'm permanently scarred? No fair. And on top of it, this guy lives in my neighbourhood somewhere. I wouldn't know him to see him but I'd sure recognise that finger. Well, he can sit on it and spin. A young guy like that shouldn't be driving like a pépère anyway. Hmph.

kxx

Aaargh! Having time management problems

It'll take lots of time to get used to my old routine. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it. I'll also have to stop talking about my trip. You're probably bored already.

Let me just tell you about the menu in first class. Or should I say First Class. It's truly incredible how spoiled you feel up there. And having travelled both ways on this trip, I can safely say that First Class is better. Just in cast there was any doubt.

All booze is free and really really strong. I had a gin and tonic on that plane that made me talk like I had asthma when the flight attendant asked if it was okay. And hot towels when I woke up. Sigh.

Okay, on to the menu. Choice of appetisers: Smoked salmon mille feuille or marinated mushroom salad. I had the mushroom.

Main Course: Grilled tenderloin of beef with green peppercorn butter, red skin potatoes, parsnips with carrots and roasted shallots or; Maple roasted chicken with maple onion sauce, mashed red skin potatoes, zucchini, eggplant, broccoli and spinach or; Rotolo pasta with alfredo and tomato sauces, sauteed mushrooms and herb roasted potatoes. I had the chicken.

Cheese: gourmet cheeses with crackers

Dessert: strawberry torte with choice of ice cream or fresh fruit.

Do you believe it? They served the foods on ceramic plates with metallic knives and forks, glasses and fabric napkins. Heaven.

On the way home they threw a pack of those weird pretzels at me then when I asked for water to wash them down, it was served to me in a plastic cup with no ice. Dinner was rubber chicken in a plastic covered tray. I almost seared off my eyebrows when I peeled back the plastic film. Then I never saw the flight attendant again until she rudely asked me to raise my seat for the descent. So pleasant.

If you can afford it, kids, try First Class. Everyone should be treated like they have money at least once in their lives. Sigh.

kxx

I’m home and trying to get all my affairs in order

So I’ve been slipping in and out of consiousness and trying to watch all my stuff on tape. I promised the kids chocolate chip cookies (that I probably won’t make) and I’m reasonably sure I won’t get to unpacking my suitcase. Thank goodness I had today off. Of course I have to work tomorrow and see Kevin aftter gaining about 10 pounds on my trip. Oh poor me, you must be saying. Check out my Facebook photos and check out who I sat beside in first class...

kxx

I got my days mixed up!

I just realized that today is Tuesday and not Monday. I never wrote you a blog yesterday. Please consider the one I wrote on Saturday to be yesterday's. Whatever... it’s because I’m still having so much fun.

Yesterday we went to Harrods and, yes, tried on shoes. Jimmy Choos, Pradas and d’uh, Louboutins. They are so expensive and I’ve never seen a selection like this. Now I’m positive I need a pair of these before I shuffle off this mortal coil. Oh and we also saw some sights like Trafalgar Square, ate in a Canadian pub and wandered around Camden Market. So great!

We saw a show called Avenue Q. Crazy puppet sex and politically incorrectness. Bizarre but hilarious.

Can’t talk anymore since I’m still in flipping London and what the hell am I doing on the computer? Have a great day.

kxx

Look at me! I’m a Saturday night blog

Yes, I know I don’t blog on weekends but I feel like it. What else is there to do a 2:52am?

So here I am in London. Have I gone to even one museum? No. Have I done anything remotely touristy? No. Have I seen even one sight? Nope? What have I done, you ask? I’ve gone shopping, gone to a fashion show, watched High School Musical (both 1 & 2) and done the Electric Slide to the song "Candy" at a friend’s 30th birthday party. And I’m having the time of my life.

Kathy, Francis and Kristina have been amazing hosts. They’ve catered to my every whim and driven me all over hell’s half acre. And let me tell you, this city is like a rabbit warren and we take our lives into our hands driving these crazy streets. This morning Kristina and I did a puppet show then watched HSM. The only thing that could have made it better is if my family could be here too. I’m actually quite surprised at how much I miss them.

So tomorrow is another day I’m hoping for more of the same... hanging out, talking and just enjoying each other’s company without the stress of "having to do something". I really am having a ball.

kxx

Such fun

Today Kathy and I went to Bluewater Mall amd watched to final scene of "How To Look Good Naked" get filmed. It was amazing and tiring and we met girls there that were so fun. Photos will be attached next week. Thankfully it was a mall and we did some serious shopping to wind down. **Note to Chris... they had no Mr. Men/Little Miss books at all at the bookstore we went to. Now I’m considering this my mission LOL!**

Here’s a hilarious story I heard about on my June 98 bulletin board. It made me laugh so hard...

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,343031,00.html

The image of this is just horrifying! And he went back for more. As if the picnic table was his girlfriend or something. I have no words for this. Well, just one and it’s not quite a word... bwahahahahahahahahaahahahahahahahaha!

kxx

I’m here!

Posting from London. Can’t stay long but please enjoy this previously written (but never posted) gem. Had a great flight. You’ll never guess what happened to me on my way down. You’ll have to wait with bated breath for the answer but feel free to guess below. Love you guys!

So here’s what Scott (Mr. World Traveller) told me about how to combat jet lag. He’s been travelling by plane for years and never suffers from jet lag. It’s actually quite simple.

The minute I sat down on the plane, I set my watch to London time. In this case it was 5 hours ahead. My plane left at around 6:30pm so I set my watch to 11:30pm. Then Scott said to behave like it was the time on my watch. In other words, I went straight to sleep. Did not watch the movie, did not eat, did not listen to music, did not pass go, did not collect $200. The hard part was to be tired at 6:30. I went to bed late Tuesday night, woke up early Wednesday morning and took a couple of sleeping pills before I left the house. Oh yeah... I can’t forget the quick gin and tonic. And voila, instant snooze. I woke up feeling refreshed when the plane touched down and felt like a million bucks all day. Now, I’m off to have a tea and a biscuit. Ah yes, talking like the natives already.

kxx

Okay my lovelies, here’s how this is going to work...

I’m leaving for Merry Olde in a matter of hours. I’m ecstatic, thrilled and excited to see my friend Kathy for the first time in 2.5 years but, bizarrely, you all are on my mind. How will I take care of your Karenworld needs while I’m away?

Kathy has generously let me use her computer from time to time but let’s be honest, here, I don’t want to take up my valuable vacation time, her internet time and, frankly, my shopping time. Did you know it takes at least 30 minutes a day to come up with something clever for you all and a little more if I include hilarious links and photographs. So I’ve been thinking of ideas.

I’m going to pre-write some blogs and post them on different days. So if verb tenses and relevance is a little wonky, or if I seem a little impersonal, that’s why. For a week I’m likely not to have links or photos. Hey, you’ll get a blog, right? They’ll also likely be very short. And, they’ll be posted at bizarre times of the day. I won’t be able to co-ordinate the time difference. I’ll just sit and type whenever I can so don’t email me any "where’s your blog today" nasty-grams. I’m doing the best I can. I may even do a Karenworld greatest hits where I’ll post past blogs that made me laugh. Although I find myself to be funny, I rarely make myself laugh out loud. You may see what did.

So I’ll be back on Wednesday afternoon next week. Hope you all enjoy yourself as much as I’m definitely going to. See you when I get back!

kxx

OMG, I’m pregnant

Okay it’s lame but April Fool’s. Hey, it’s early.

Let’s talk about Earth Day. I’m being frank when I say that I’m not one to concern myself with global warming, the environment, conservation or anything David Suzuki takes really seriously. I’m like a child that way. Someone else will deal with it and when will the warming part happen? I’m freezing my ass off and my year-round pedicure awaits breathlessly. Yes, I’m keenly aware that I’m over 40 and I have kids and I should worry about these things but I’m sorry, it’s an inconvenience. And, yes, I’m awful. But I will buckle to peer pressure. That’s why Earth Hour was so neat. All the fun of being one of the cool kids and saving the environment too? Score.

We ate out for dinner Saturday night and it was neat to see the lights in the restaurant and the mall lowered or off. In places of business. I was so impressed. It spurred me on. We got home at 8:30 and we wanted to watch Raiders of the Lost Ark so we put it on with no other lights in the house. We lit 2 storm lamps and hung out together in the dark. Hey, it was the best this selfish mum could do. And, because I got right into it (for that one night, anyway) we kept the lights off for the whole movie.

It may not be riding the Rainbow Warrior and protesting something for the good of the planet but hey, it was evolutionary for me. So what did you do to mark the occasion?

kxx