I love my job

I really, really do. It's flexible, my bosses are great girls, it's fun, no benefits but I get first dibs on the awesome clothes that come into the store. I've even stopped bringing a lunch because the girls I work with are so kind that they share their lunches with me. I have more fun there then I would ever have at home. I've never had a job like this and wouldn't trade it for the world. It really is the perfect job for me.

That said, twice a year the job becomes... err... difficult. We get an influx of bags from people dumping consignment clothes at back-to-school time and Christmastime. Because of the size of our room and the fact that 95% of our customers drop of their clothes in garbage bags, we're not quite equipped to take them. As a result, our workspace becomes... umm... dumplike. There's no other way to describe it. All that's missing is the plaintive screech of the seagull.

We get through it all eventually but it sure looks daunting. Needle in a haystack stuff. Yesterday I spent the day trying to put the bags in chronological order. It looks just like it did before I started. Frustrating but if we plug away at it, it all gets done. Really it does. I just wish I had a solution, though, but this is why I'm doing the job I'm doing. I don't have a business brain. I just shut my mouth and go through bags. And,of course, blog it for the world to see.

kxx

I so don’t need this!

OMG, do I really need another addictive website in my life? Sigh. Well after being on here, Facebook and my 2 favourite bulletin boards, not to mention my "real" diary, I'm now addicted to thisisbyus. I've been busting a gut laughing at the posts (my fave so far is the Tempur-Pedic bed sex thing) and even posted some of my own favourite blogs on there (look for mamashake). Honestly, I can't see myself writing something fresh for it. Yet.

I don't need this in my life. I really don't. But go check it out. Find some posts that crack yourself up. I'll probably add a few fave posts everyday from what I think are pretty good blogs. Check it out and leave a comment (Scott gets his wish and I get money from it somehow but I'm not at all sure how it works). Oh, and be sure to tell me which blogs you'd like to see on there. Love you loads,

kxx

Did you know?

This is something that struck me while driving last week. Did you know that the posted speed limit on the road is the maximum you can go? I know that when you go over the speed limit you get a ticket or fine but you can go under the speed limit by, say, 10kms and not get a ticket? Endangering lives by driving sub-light speed? There's something wrong with that, surely. In Montreal they have the right idea on some highways. They actually have a minimum speed limit sign.

I try to keep at the speed limit. I truly do. Never mind that I'm usually 10 or 20kms over it but the point is I try. I realized that if it was actually physically possible (without getting violently ill) for me to actually drive 80kms in a 100km speed limit, I wouldn't get a ticket. Because 100kms is the maximum. Gives you chills, doesn't it? When I give the finger under the dash (passive/aggressive, I know) to a mémère or pépère and blast by them as they crawl along at 80kms, I'm pissed. And I'm the one that gets the ticket? When the pokey-slow is, in essence, making me speed just to get past them? When they're the pylons? No fair. Now excuse me... I'm off to drive to work.

kxx

Hmm...

Because I have nothing to blog about that remotely refers to me, let me put it to you that the Arcade Fire song "Keep the Car Running" sounds like "On The Dark Side" by John Cafferty and the Beaver Brown Band. I can't be the only one that thinks this can I?

I'm not saying they're exactly alike but there is... I don't know... a vibe, maybe? But the minute I first heard that Arcade Fire song, Eddie and the Cruisers came flooding back to me. Oh heck, I'm such an 80s Lady, aren't I? Showing every second of my 40 years. Oh well. But at least I managed to bring this blog back around to me. See how skillfully I did that?

kxx

I swear...

This is the last time I bring up my new washer/dryer. I just want to add that they clean like nobodys business and they are cool and modern and make me very very happy. I've never been so delighted to have spent an entire weekend doing laundry.

kxx

Happy Friday!

Time for another useless blog. It's a joke. Ready?

Do old men wear boxers or briefs?Depends.

Wow. That was a bad one, eh? How about a dirty one?

The American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After 1 year and $180,000, they concluded that the reason that the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, the French decided to do their own study.After $250,000 and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Canadians, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks, a cost of around $75.46, and 2 cases of beer, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting himself in the forehead.
Better?

Let's see... what about this funny eBay listing?

Whatever floats your boat today. Cheer up, it's Friday! Have a great weekend, and see you on Monday!

kxx

More new toys!

Well, this has been an Epic month for the Kaye's. First Terra came into my life now this. We finally got a new washer/dryer set. A stackable set and I'm delighted! I mistakenly put on my Facebook page that they were Kenmore Elites but in fact they are Maytag Epics. Frankly I don't care that what they're called, only that they're front loaders and they're new. And not just new to us, I mean brand new. They get delivered Saturday morning.

I feel a little sorry for the old pair. They've never needed servicing in the 8 years we've had them. Apparently these new jobs are not built to last. Then the pity melts away when I see that my old washer has no gentle cycle, then I take an already only marginally clean load of whites out of the dryer with black streaks all over them. Something (and not an errant crayon, I'm assured) is busted inside the drum and is depositing gunk on my clothes. Never again.

I'm excited to sit in the laundry room and watch the clothes spin around on what I'll call "laundry tv". I can't wait to take my clothes out and they're actually clean. And the comforters. I can wash comforters. Sigh. We've dropped a lot of cash this month on appliances and, frankly, I'm basking in the afterglow.

kxx

Zzzzzzz....

There's a bylaw in Ottawa where you can't make noise or start outdoor work between 11pm and 7am. As a mother, I'm all about the 11pm. And as someone who works, I'm all about the 7am. I'm usually up at 6:30 during the school year and when Scott's working I'm up at 7am. This month, I get the distinct pleasure of waking up at 7:30 since I have no kids to get ready or husband crashing around in the bathroom. Except for this morning.

My neighbours across the street are getting a unistone driveway. I swear the workers must have driven the brick laden dump trucks up to the house and waited, looking at their watches: 6:59:58.... 6:59:59..... 7:00:00. KEEERASHHH! Three-quearters of a ton of interlocking stones dumped out, fields of dirt, beep-beeping reversing heavy machinery and one sleepy, grumpy neighbour. And I was having the most beautiful dream about front-loading washers and dryers. I had actually incorporated the beeping into it, making the truck deliver my metallic babies instead of a load of old dirt. I even asked Scott in my sleepiness if he should be out there to sign papers. In the patois my dad speaks he'd call that state of dreamy wakefulness "bazoudie". I call it effing inconsiderate neighbours.

kxx

Wear a bike helmet

You never used to wear a helmet as a child. I never did. But now, like seatbelts, it's been so ingrained in me that I couldn't imagine not wearing one when I bike. But you really should be wearing one. Why?

Because the City of Ottawa mandates it and it sets a good example? Nah.

Because I say so? Well I'd like to flatter myself but no.

Because of these photos? You tell me.

Elliott fell off his bike on the weekend and twisted his wrist. He also hit his head and completely destroyed his helmet but never had even a headache. He actually giggled when he got a load of this crumpled mess in the mirror. We ran right out the next day and got him a new one, stressing how important it was that he was wearing it.

Trust me: you may think you look like a dork but always wear a bicycle helmet.

kxx

High School Musical

Okay, I admit it. I'm one of those. One of those adults who love "kid things". My own kids are just pale excuses to get me into kid events, movies and shows. Have I even mentioned the time I dragged Audrey to see the Wiggles when she didn't even care about going? We even brought a rose for Dorothy and she wailed when Murray came to her to get it. I, on the other hand, sang, danced and was generally delighted with every minute of it.

I'm sure I've mentioned that I had more than one erotic dream when I was pregnant about being the Nutella in the white bread sandwich that is the Kratt Brothers. Yum.

Well, this week I watched High School Musical 2. Starring the cougar-worthy Zac Efron. He's old enough to be my grandchild but what can you do? The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I actually watched it twice over the weekend and the pop-up version of the HSM1 came on Sunday and I watched that too. I made a lame effort on Friday night to get the kids to watch it with me but their only motivation was to stay up late. Know how I know? When I asked them if they liked it, they asked "liked what?" Oh, and by the way, I liked it. A lot. Loved it even. Great family fun whether you care your family watches it or not.

kxx

I’ve been neglectful

I've been neglectful to my new best friend Terra. She's been with me for a week and I've used her twice. The first time was for eggs since it was the easiest thing I could muster as a newly 40 year old woman. The next was the muffin mix that I got as a gift. Both things were throwaways. Just to see if she worked (and she does). Last night I made pizza for dinner and could have used her for the dough but I went for my nameless Cuisinart instead of my dough hook accessorised beauty. So sorry Terra!

Today I make it up to you. My neighbour has given us 2 enormous zucchini so this weekend Terra will be tasked with making the most yummy, moist, delicious brownies. Yes, brownies. With zucchini in them. Strange but true and I know Terra is up to the task. I'll make 3 batches. One for the nabe that gave us the zukes, one for the girls at work and one for us. That's 6 cups of zucchini and hopefully it'll use up everything. If not, would you like a batch?

kxx

Chuck Norris

I don't think about this man very often. In fact not a all. But I came across this while looking for information on KitchenAid mixers (!). I laughed so hard I fell of my chair and abandonned my search. I hope you laugh half as hard as I did because everyone can use a good chortle in the morning.

S.H.I.T... What? So happy it's Thursday. Come on.

Norris Fun Facts:

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "F***ing."

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's s**t.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up; he's pushing the Earth down.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard-rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booyah".

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't muster up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris doesn't wet the bed, the bed gets scared of Chuck Norris and wets itself.

kxx

I’ve got to eat better

Now that I'm 40, I've got to pay more attention to what I eat and my metabolism. For instance, two nights ago Scott and the kids spent the night at his sister's cottage. This left me to have supper on my own. I had sushi in the fridge and the family doesn't like it so it was the perfect opportunity to have something yummy. Did I? Three guesses as to whether or not I ate it. And the first 2 don't count. What did I eat do you ask? A slice of birthday cake and 3/4 of a super-sized bag of Doritos. Oh, and half the sushi. Delicious and nutritious.

I really know that I should be eating better especially now that I've quit the gym and I've smacked headlong into the brick wall that is middle age. I'll just start tomorrow. I will. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a bagel with cheez whiz with my name on it.

kxx

So the photos are up!

Just head over to my Facebook page to see the photos and a couple of videos from The Lookout. I'm fully recovered but still doltish enough to stick my thumb in my eye at work yesterday so hard I felt nauseous. Good times.

So there are a bunch of people I want to thank for making my 40th as memorable as it was. I had asked the party people not to send gifts but some still did. I guess saying that only makes people more creative.

Here are some gifts I got. I say some because if you came late and put something in my hand, I was too sauced to remember who you were. That isn't to say I don't appreciate your gift, however. Everyone was too generous.

Scott: Terra
Norah: Gorgeous leather bound journal. Yes, I still keep an "old school" diary
Laura: DVD (woohoo!)
Bruce & Julia: 15 ears of corn (!)... very creative. And yummy
Glen & Michelle & Bill & Kathy: Lotto tickets and scratch cards... I won $20!
Paula: The Spa gift certificate. Love it!
Chris (who couldn't make it to the party but still sent gifts... now that's dedication): an excellent movie and a very funny Haiku book. And a phone call that I sadly missed.
Graham: I haven't forgotten you, my best Aussie friend! 3 phonecalls from the other side of the world? All on my answering machine? I totally suck.
Dianne (my manager): Starbucks gift certificate. Very generous.
Rebecca from work: A Mr.Big. A running joke
Ali from work: Lindt chocolates

Gifts I found later that I totally don't remember getting and I'm so, so sorry about that: Pretty layered jar of Cranberry Pecan Muffin mix that I made yesterday and holy crap they're so yummy. And I'm proud to say that they're the first baked good I made in Terra. So thank you, stranger. And if anyone who came to the party remembers who gave that to me, a memory jog would be much appreciated!

Thanks you guys for everything. I really had the funnest party ever.

kxx

What to do?

I have about 15 minutes to blog about an awesome party and my awesome mixer and my dad and his wife are here and Scott's entertaining them while I'm on here and I have to be at work in an hour. I can't really blog! Damn! But what I can do this morning is post a few photos that indicate how my weekend went and blog about the whole thing tomorrow. So here are 2 photos...

I promise to supply you with all your photo and video needs tonight. Check Facebook later and tomorrow I'll do you up an update properly. Thanks for you patience. Love you!
kxx

"Welcome to the dark side!"

This is how my friend Kathy greeted me this morning on the phone from London. That and an across-the-pond version of Stevie Wonder's Happy Birthday. And that was my second surprise of the morning.

Last night I made another cake. The short version of the story is that it's for me to have something to blow candles out on tonight. The long version is available via email. Anyway, after mixing, baking and frosting, the old mixer was on the counter because I couldn't be bothered to put it away. When I woke up this morning and walked by the kitchen to put out the cat, imagine my surprise when I saw a gorgeous, cobalt blue KitchenAid Artisan in its place? I called every appliance place in town and they told me the colour was discontinued. That charming guy got them to sell him the floor model. Likely the only blue one left in Ottawa. Sigh. I'm so in love. With my husband too.

And it's only 8:13am. What else can I expect from my first foray into the jungle that is middle age? Join me, will you? On the next Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom...

kxx

Hm.

It's the last day of my 39th year and I can't think of a single thing I'd like to share with you all. Not a single word of wisdom, not one bon mot, nothing. You'd think I'd be full of interesting insights and advice, being on the cusp of middle age and all, but I've got nothing.

Am I burnt out? Am I depressed about my impending geriatricism? Nah, just can't think of anything. Really. I'm coming up cold blog-wise this morning. Still pleased to be turning 40 and still excited about my big day tomorrow and party on Saturday. I just can't think of anything wonderful to share with the class today.

Oooh. How about a Haiku? Those always make me laugh, no matter how awful. Let's see...

My last day at 39
Same as everyday
Having a ball's nothing new

Won't win any prizes but good enough for today. Have a good one. Tomorrow the sun will shine brighter and food will taste better for I will be foooortyyy (to be said with a booming voice. Why? because I said so and I'm older than you.)

kxx

Free on Saturday?

Turns out a lovely couple, people I'm very close to, are having a party Saturday night at the Brig in the Ottawa Market. They're celebrating their 40th and 45th birthdays. They'd be really happy of you could make it. If you are so inclined, be there at 7pm.

Did I fool you? Did you realize that's our party? Come on down and meet your favourite blogger. No, Perez Hilton won't be there. We're expecting about 30 guests so it'll be a hoot. We haven't rented a room, we're just inviting people to the pub to eat and drink with us so it's really casual. So come on down to the Brig if you can. And if you can't there'll be plenty of photos to make you jealous.

kxx

Scotty by the numbers

Today is Scott's birthday and in his honour, I thought I'd tell you a bit about him by the numbers (since he's all mathematical and engineery and stuff):

34: His pants size (still!). Of course he now wears his belt under his belly
26: The age he was when we met
3: The kinds of chocolate he likes. Dark, white and milk. He has never met a chocolate he didn't like. He's like a woman in his devotion
4: The number of coffees he drinks in a day (at least). Just don't ever give him McDonalds coffee
1: The number of times he has tried to teach me how to drive a stick shift. Any more and there would have been a divorce in his future
17: The number of years he's been a public servant. He's worked for the RCMP and foreign affairs.
19: The number of years we've been together. Time flies when you're having fun
14: The number of years we've been married. See above
1: The number of fake teeth he has. Every good Canadian hockey-playing boy has at least one
2: The number of motorcycles in my garage. One that he uses to commute to work and one in bits and pieces. For tinkering.
300+: The number of plastic models in his euphemistically calls his "office" I'd call it a hobby shop. But his stock is bigger.
7: Approximate number of hilariously long eyebrow hairs he has to trim. Otherwise he looks like an old British mad scientist. We won't mention the nose hairs
45: The age of my honey today. He really is the most awesome, cool, nice guy ever. I'm so happy he picked me.

Happy Birthday Poopie!

kxx

Stupid retail

Today the whole planet (it seems) is off for "Civic Holiday" (I hate that name) except for retail outlets. And because I work in a retail outlet (albeit in a glorified data entry operator position), I gotta go. Well, they better not expect a lot out of me today. I'm going to screw the pooch, I know it.

Let me explain how the month of August is going to work. Scott has it off. Yup, the whole month. He encouraged me to do this blog at first but now is discouraging me because I'm doing it for free. So I'll have to blog behind his back. So, yes, I can blog every day but probably not as often in the mornings as I have done (and am doing). I'll have to sneak around. Which is hard to do in a 2000 sq.ft house but you get my drift.

So bear with me, folks, this'll be a covert operation for a few weeks. Don't worry, we'll still have fun together, I promise. Now excuse me while I get ready for work. Poop.

kxx

Let’s cut to the chase

My birthday is 7 days away and as anyone who knows me knows, I love the presents and the attention. I'm going to be 40 and as a promise to myself, I'm going to be direct. No more dropping hints, here's what I want from family and friends (and you guys if you're so inclined... I'm an equal opportunity gift reciever):

1) A Kitchenaid Artisan stand mixer. Cobalt Blue is discontinued so I'll take an Empire Red, please.
2) Christian Louboutin shoes, size 9.5. Any colour
3) Chick flicks on DVD. Gone With The Wind, Sliding Doors or Waitress, please. Ooooh, and I'd love season 2 of The Tick.
4) A tummy tuck
5) A Smart Car
6) A Gift Certificate for a pedicure or facial
7) Robin Thicke or Michael Jackson (greatest hits) CD
8) A free pass for 24 hours to eat any junk I want without gaining weght
9) A treadmill or elliptical machine
10) A successful party on the 11th and another 40 years on this planet.

You have less than a week to get any (or all) of these things in the mail. That is all.

kxx

A review of the Bratz movie

I got free passes through work to see the Bratz movie last night and I thought I'd do my civic duty and give you all a review. I went with Audrey, my good friend Julie and her daughter Sarah. Here's the review:

It's the absolute best free movie I've seen all month.

Honestly, my favourite thing about it was when it was over and we went out for drinks after. I really needed a drink after. The girls had Shirley Temples with umbrellas and Julie and I had grown up drinks. We all wore skirts.

Yup.

kxx

What the hell is that smell?

Has this ever happened to you before? I've had the rankest pong in my nose the last few days. Over the years I've realized that when this happens I'm about to get a cold or some other sinus distress. No amout of picking (tmi!tmi!) or perfumes helps with this. The actual odour is a combination of feet, stale farts and hockey bag and it comes and goes throughout the day. Sometimes I'll be just fine then sitting at my desk at work the smell will assault me. I look around quick to see if anyone else smelt it (or dealt it) then realise it's just my own traitorous nose.

I hope I'll be good and healthy for my birthday in 9 days. Not that I'm counting down or anything. Hope everything smells good for you today.

kxx