Friday, January 8, 2010

Dear diary

**** Here's a post that I wrote in 2001. I was thinking about it and realized that I hadn't seen it in a while. I've been told it's amusing. ****

I've been hearing a lot about how comfy thong underwear is. As much as I hate, loathe and despise when my undies ride up, I figure an inch of material in there may feel more comfortable than the entire butt area (easily 6 inches) of my Jockeys. I went to Walmart yesterday and bought a pack of 3 for $10. They're nice and cottony like my regular undies so I'm feeling optimistic.

7:00am- After my shower I hold the thing... I mean THONG up. I'm amazed that the back is actually the back. It seems more logical to wear them the wrong way around. I slip them on and wiggle a bit. A bit uncomfortable since the "floss" part immediately goes where it's supposed to but I'm still hopeful I'll get used to them.

7:30am- I try on a few pairs of pants and notice that there are no panty lines. A tick in the "pros" column. Between pants I notice how enormous my butt cheeks are. A tick squarely under "cons".

8:00am- First foray into uncharted territory. I forget and dig the thong out of my butt. It feels great for 5 seconds until I realize as soon as I let it go it's going right back home.

8:30am- I can't stop thinking about my butt. At least I'm not obsessing about my boobs anymore.

9:00am- I think I hate these things. I mean THONGS.

9:30am- I'm sitting at the computer doing some "housekeeping". They feel great when I'm sitting. I wonder how the rest of the day will go?

10:00am- I've discovered 3 new ways to pull the thong out of my butt. Up through either leg of my shorts and down the back of my waistband. All I can think about is how much material is in my butt and whether I should pull it out now or later. I'm not liking them much...

11:00am- The thong is thonging all over (if you get my drift). The fourth thong detach method... down the front of my waistband. Sigh. I just paid $10 for this indignity. I cannot picture getting used to this EVER!

11:30am- Bathroom break... sweet relief. As I pee, I look down with trepidation at pulling these things (THONGS) back on. I do.

12:00pm- Getting punchy. Stupid thoughts occur: What if they're uncomfortable because my thongs don't fit? How on earth do you know if they're too big or small?

2:30pm- I've hardly noticed it at all since lunch. It could be that I've just gotten busy taking care of the kids or that I'm actually getting used to the feel of these things. If I remember that I'm wearing a thong and don't try to pull it out, I'm okay. Because pulling it out is like scratching an itch, though... once you start, it feels so darned good you can't stop.

5:30pm- I can't believe I'm now used to this weird feeling between my cheeks! If you'd have told me that at 9am, I'd have called you a big, fat liar. A few times since this afternoon, my hand strayed to adjust but I remembered in time not to do any serious damage. The trick is not to try to remove it from it's wedged state. The more you move it, the more you want to move it. Get it? I'm thinking about it less and less although I still feel like there's a rolled-up wad of kleenex in here. I'm off to a funeral (a distant uncle of Scott's... we didn't really know him) and I'll still be wearing this thing (thong!). I guess I'll be putting the "fun" back in funeral, eh? I'll post once more when I get home. By actually leaving the house I'm thinking that I won't notice the thong at all. We'll see... can you see me adjusting all through the service? HORRIFYING!

10:30pm- Last post of the night. The funeral went as well as funerals go. I never once thought of my bum but there are other things to ponder at these events. Like flower arrangements and other women's mourning outfits. I never once even wiggled. Here's my overall thong verdict:

I bought 3 of these. I'll use them when I'm going out and won't be obsessing about my ass. I will not wear them to lounge aroung the house. I will not wear them grocery shopping. I will never wear them to cut the grass. Wait... I've never cut the grass before...

I have a few pairs of pants and skirts that are tight around the bum and I'll wear them when I wear those so I don't have panty lines. I'll change out of my great big comfortable granny panties just before I leave and put them on just like I do when I dress. I'll remove them as soon as I arrive home like I'm going to do right now. Goodnight dear diary, thanks for listening.

Karen (excuse me while I adjust for the final time... ahhhhh that's the stuff!)

Just a couple more things...

1) Scott did not find them sexy which surprised me. He was kinda disgusted by them since "they're right inside your butt... isn't it dirty?" and "it's all sweaty in there". After explaining to him that women "aren't sweaty in there" (well, only when I exercise but that's all I have to say on the subject) and that I actually wipe my ass so it's not "dirty", I realized my husband of 8 years has "bathroom issues". I wonder if he was forcefully trained?

2) I dreamt that I had a doctor's appointment and he asked me if I needed a reduction... of my butt cheeks! How traumatizing! I also had a dream about wearing the thong on the outside of my pants. Stupid subconscious.


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