Thinking in blog

I go through my day, and as you'd expect, things happen. Sometimes interesting, usually not. Before 2006, I'd react like a normal person and absently ponder whatever the occurrence was. Since 2006, however, I elaborately construct and arrange the thoughts and events of my life into blog-like sound bytes and printable sentences.

How many times have I seen my neighbour walk by my house rocking her Nordic Walking poles and thought "Good for her that she's getting her exercise but it sure looks funny" only to mentally re-arrange that little thought into a long-winded blog entry cruelly mocking what I so obviously don't understand. Okay, not exactly cruel but you get my drift.

It's so weird. I never seem to have passing thoughts anymore. Everything turns out to be blog fodder or at least re-worded in my head to sound more bloggy. Sometimes not even in my head. In fact I have half written sentences; little seeds of blogs; everywhere. In my iPod, on the PC in notebook, in emails written to myself, at my bedside... loose scraps of paper with crazy random stuff on them are everywhere. I just peeked over at the closest one and it says: "Archie's that have Jughead liking girls. Really?!". Your guess is as good as mine.

Blogging has changed me right down to my juicy little brain and it can be exhausting. Huh. I must be a real writer. I'm actually suffering for my "art". Yes, I'm calling blogging art. Deal with it.

kxx

Men. Can't live with them, can't smother them.

So Scott was home sick yesterday and while I tried to do the things I normally do, he made it darn near impossible. Sure, I cooked and cleaned but when it came to watching my shows he made me crazy. Try watching a soap opera with a convalescing 47 going on 8 year old:

Sick Irritant: Who's that?

Long Suffering Wife: It's a long story.

SI: I have time. I'm sick you know.

LSW: (Sigh) That's Ryan. He just found out that the love of his life is back from the dead and he's trying to stop her from marrying the town pariah.

SI: What's with his face?

LSW: What do you mean?

SI: (He incredibly pulls a laser pointer from the depths of the blankets) His eyes are too close together, here and here (he wiggles the light between Ryan's eyes). His jawline is...

LSW: Aargh, will you quit it?! I'm trying to hear!

SI: But I'm sick you know.

LSW: (through gritted teeth) Oh, I know...

I'm not sure if he's taking another day off today. If he does I may spend the day at the ball pit at Ikea. That crowd would be far more mature than the nut I married.

kxx

Describe your dream bathing suit

Because mine would be a one piece that looks like pair of bicycle shorts and a high necked tank top sewn together. Like the ones the second woman and the woman in the centre are wearing. Why oh why does this suit not exist anymore? Tons of women hate their thighs, asses and stomachs, don't they? I can't be the only one.

I don't want a skirt (too old lady), I don't want high cut hips (More cellulite on parade? No thanks) and I hate cleavage of any kind. Also, I like to actually swim. So I need something that won't ride up or float away. This is not rocket science, people. Last year I wore men's boxer brief bathing trunks and a tankini top. But again, two pieces so I spent the whole triathlon making sure my belly didn't escape its spandex confines. And of course if I ever do find this perfect suit or have it custom made, it'll cost, well, it was nice being your mum, Elliott.

So come on, designers. Bring the '20s back. Make a suit that we fat chicks can get behind. No pun intended.

kxx

A blast from the past

I heard this song on the "80s, 90s and Whatever" station in town. I honestly hadn't heard it in at least 10 years. I remember it so clearly. It was my go-to breakup song. When a breakup was fresh (or pending) and I was feeling particularly angsty and in the greasy Clearasil grip of teenage hormones, I'd crank this song up to 11 and cry my pubescent face off.

This version is more acoustic than the power ballad radio version I'm used to. You can't really fist-pump like you should but you can still feel the hell out of it and picture my tear stained, eyes shut emotion as Luba and I sang at the top of our lungs. I sure did when I nearly swerved into oncoming traffic because I was giggling so hard at the memory.

I'd never want to go back to those days. I was such a dork.

kxx

How cute...

Last week I was showing Henry this photo. He wondered why I got married in a red dress. Not wanting to disavow my child about my supposed purity, I just explained that the picture was taken at my BFF's wedding. I told him I was her bridesmaid.

He looked at me with utter confusion and said "You had to clean up after the bride?!"

I love when kids say those kinds of things.

kxx

Grim fairy tales

Yesterday my neighbour was telling me that his son was doing a project on Little Red Riding Hood. The boy went to the library and checked it out. What dad ended up reading to his son was a repugnant tale of horror and psychological torment. Like Saw with a dubious fashion accessory choice. Okay, not really, but the story surprised him nonetheless.

See, the original story that his son ended up getting, has the wolf swallowing Grandma and Red whole, a hunter cutting the wolf open and the girls popping out and the three of them filling the wolf up with rocks and throwing him down a well. You know, a feel-good story of redemption and triumph. Like It's A Wonderful Life with drowning. Come to think of it there is a drowning in that movie. Huh. Anyway, I already knew about that darker version of the fairy tale.

When I was younger I had an anthology of original fairy tales. Man, they were gruesome. There was way more blood and sad endings than I remembered from the Disney versions. I'm pretty sure they weren't meant for kids. And if they were, then kids grew up pretty fast back then which is something my dad used to complain about while my brother and I were watching cartoons and having kick-fights on the couch on Saturday mornings.

Two examples: in The Little Mermaid, there was no happy ending with the handsome prince. He marries someone else and the mermaid dies and turns into sea foam. Take that Ariel. In Cinderella, the prince gets tricked and mistakenly takes each stepsister away to marry him (separately... these stories are perverse not perverted). On the way notices their glass slippers filling with blood because they were hacking at their own feet to fit into the tiny shoes. After they get rejected, they get their eyes pecked out by birds. Are you still laughing at the Saw reference?

So if you want to scar your children for life, I suggest you stay away from the Disney versions of these stories and stick to the gory old school versions. They are interesting reads, even just to see the inspiration for Disney's versions. It's too bad the originals got left by the wayside because as grim as these stories are, their grit and realism still make for an exciting thrill ride. Like Training Day.

kxx

I hate the shuffle on my iPod

I thought when I drank the Kool-Aid and started buying mp3s, that it would change the way I listened to music. And it did a little. I love having every album I own from Siouxsie and the Banshees to Mozart in something that fits in the palm of my hand. But that doesn't mean I want to listen to "Peekaboo" right before I listen to the Piano Concerto number 20 in D minor.

I get a lot of ideas about which music to buy from the radio. I rarely want whole albums anymore. But where I do have whole albums (my stuff from cds, tapes and vinyl) I want to listen to them in their entirety and in order. Like I did my entire music listening life. I hate hearing Blister in the Sun" knowing that "Kiss Off" comes next but getting Rihanna instead. I also hate hearing a good radio song then hearing a Duran Duran album track right after. Ugh.

So I end up using my iPod to listen to full albums instead and leaving the loose songs by the wayside. I have to group all the loose tunes together in one playlist but it'll involve picking through and filing over 1000 songs and frankly, that's more work than I want to do.

And while I'm complaining like an old woman, let me just admit that I had to shut off the "cool" feature that lets you shake the iPod to shuffle. It always changed songs mid-stream because of the jiggle that goes on in my purse. It's the same jiggle that redials my cell phone. I think I need to get back to vinyl and land lines.

kxx

Oscar Update

Okay, so here are the nominees again:

• Avatar
• District 9
• Up
• The Blind Side
• An Education
• The Hurt Locker
• Inglourious Basterds*
• Precious
• A Serious Man
• Up In The Air

Scott and I saw Avatar, Up and District 9 before the noms even came out. Last week we saw Up In The Air. It was sweet and sad and it reminded Scott a lot of when he used to travel monthly for work. In Business Class the lucky bugger. Strangely that aspect of the movie got different reactions from the both of us. It made me want to travel and it made Scott happy he was promoted and gets to stay home.

Over the weekend we saw The Blind Side. It was sweet but not Oscar-y at all. No angst, no tragedy, nothing terrifying... it just was. It could have been a television movie-of-the-week. But again, it was sweet.

Over the holiday I found a website where you can watch tv (even here in Canada so suck it, Hulu). Upside; it has movies. Downside; it only plays about an hour at a time, then cuts out for an hour before you can watch any more. Don't tell Scott but I sneakily watched nearly an hour of Inglourious Basterds. What can I say, my mouse finger slipped. Heh. Anyway, when it cut out at Chapter 4, I felt super guilty so didn't have the heart to watch the rest without him. I have no intention of telling him when we actually rent it. This is how we stay married. Do not knock it, do not judge.

Frankly I was grateful for the movie's interruption. I spent the whole time holding my breath, stressed and terrified. How scary was the Christophe Waltz? He deserved his Supporting Actor Oscar nomination, that's for sure and I haven't even watched the whole thing.

So we're not sure which movie is next but I'll keep you posted. You know I always do.

kxx

Back story obsessed

When I watch commercials involving people speaking to each other, I'm obsessed with figuring out their relationships. Sometimes it's simple and sometimes it seems convoluted. Lots of times it'll take frequent viewings to figure it out to my satisfaction. Many times I discuss it with Scott and if he doesn't agree with my often elaborate fantasy, it puts me in a strop all night. I clearly have too much spare time.

Sometimes the ad is super clear. It'll be a family interacting in their own kitchen. No problem. But if the family is eating and someone comes in and sits down, I have to figure out who the other person is.

In this one the family is getting ready for their day and the dad is getting picked up for his carpool. Simple.

When I can't make sense of the commercial, I actually get angry. I mean, why would I want to buy a product or service from a company that doesn't even have a clear ad?

This next one pissed me off all during the holidays. Yes, it's clear they are father and daughter but why are they acting so strange with each other? This was the convoluted explanation I finally settled on:

The girls parents divorced when she was young. Mother moved her away for years with little or no contact with the dad. Finally when the girl is old enough she moves back to dad's town to contact him and they try to establish some kind of relationship as adults. That scenario was my most sane. Others involved one or a combination of the following:

• a jail term
• cancer
• murder/death
• kidnapping
• pedophilia/incest
• military service
• adoption
• foreign scholarship

The story changed every time I watched it. Ugh. So irritating. So what do you figure? Save my sanity and my marriage. Help me figure out what's going on here.

kxx

Here's an interesting Valentine's post

Interesting in that it's all about me. What did you think, this was Debbieworld? Because that's the next blog over. You know what would I thought would be fun for Valentine's Day? Going over all my ex-boyfriends. Open wounds are always a gas.

Okay so they aren't really open wounds. In fact, I didn't have many boyfriends before Scott and mostly we parted on mostly good terms. I was no shrinking violet, let me tell you, but the actual term "boyfriend" only applied to a few guys before I got married. So let's see... in no particular order there was:

John, the bad-boy. He drove a cool, orange 2 seater Bricklin and carried a fake (I hope) grenade in his pocket. He also had a crossbow. What's not to love? The whirlwind romance lasted 8 weeks but we're friends on Facebook.

Andrew the project. He was about 6 feet tall, bearded and quite beefy. He drove a Trans-Am in the winter and an MG in the summer. He was fun and funny and I never let the fact that he had a foot and 100 pounds on me put me off him. He was awesome. He had a best friend that always hung out with us (hmmm...) and in the end Andrew broke up with me because he wanted to be a free agent when he went down south for the summer. Hmph.

Gyula my friend. He was the only one of my boyfriends that was an actual friend before we dated. He had the best laugh ever and a brown car with a bumper sticker that read "Save gas fart in a jar". I'll never forget dinner at his house with his family. It was the first time I actually enjoyed red wine (Bull's Blood). I swear my mother loved him more than me and she asked about him until her dying day. We're also friends on Facebook.

Jeff, the closest to a black guy I ever dated. His nickname was "Bear". His mum was Black. She was so sweet and I got the feeling that she really liked me too. She made me some tan striped pyjamas that I still have and treasure to this day. What else do I have from the Jeff months? A funny little poem. Shhhh. Jeff plays the bagpipes. I know this how? Facebook, of course.

Eric the actor. He was so sincere and soulful. He'd look deep into my eyes and say the most wonderful things. He also had the fluffiest white-boy 'fro around and his all white grad outfit (complete with top hat, tails, shiny shoes and cane) was legendary. I also have stories that he wrote about me. What did I ever do to inspire such creativity?

Anyway, that's the lineup of ne'er-do-wells that I hung around with in the mid 80s. None of these guys lasted more than 6 months until I met Mr. Love-Of-My-Life in 1988. It takes all your past experiences to make you the person you are today so I'd like to thank all these guys for preparing me for the life I have now with my awesome husband and terrific kids. Happy Valentine's Day, boys!

kxx

Things I'm loving right now

These are things that I love as of this moment but will likely hate tomorrow or even by the end of this blog. Things I love and always will love like dragonboating and Maury Povich I left off this list:

• Knitting (since the end of November I've made 4 scarves and I'm nearly done making my 3rd hat)
• Them Crooked Vultures
• Other people's blogs
• The terms "pwned" and "epic fail"
• Frosted Mini Wheats
• All My Children (the soap, not my children. Not that I don't love my kids but... ugh, you know what I mean)
• Maybelline Superstay Lipcolour in 745 Wine

kxx

Overheard on the way to the bus stop

Or: Things you've never ever said to your mother.

It was a sunny winter's day and there had been flurries overnight. Henry was walking with his head down watching as the sunshine glinted on the newly fallen snow. He opened his mouth to say something poetic. This is what came out:

"The snow looks like there are pixels in it."

What a boy.

kxx

Woohoo!

Why am I so proud to be able to hear this sound? Because it's supposed to mean I'm young. that's why. Youthful and young. And in my own mind, a little hot. So why would I ever shy away from a compliment like that?

Now let me get back to my knitting. My back is acting up from sitting in this computer chair and messing around on these here interwebs.

kxx

Family Follies

My dad is so funny. When my brother and I were kids, sometimes he wanted to treat us to takeout food. He deemed hamburgers too fattening for us kids so he opted for the much healthier Kentucky Fried Chicken. Go figure. For an extra special treat he'd bring us to enjoy our feast and the view at the top of Mount Royal. It was always difficult to find a parking spot. Why? I'll tell you why:

Because Mount Royal is a notorious make-out spot. I didn't realise this until I was an adult. A fully consenting adult. Moving on.

Can you imagine the comedy routine based on this? A cop parks behind a gold Chevy Chevelle, walking slowly up to the window. He hears loud calypso music booming from the inside and notices the car rocking on its axles. He tries to look in but sees that the windows are all steamed up. He knocks on the glass and a little West Indian man rolls it down. The music of The Mighty Sparrow bellows out into that tranquil place. "Cyan I help you officah?" the strange little man asks. The cop looks in and sees 4 people holding steaming hot pieces of chicken, all greasy mouthed and round eyed staring back at him. The officer shakes his head and sighs: "Bon appétit tout-le-monde".

Hee.

kxx

The Rocky Horror Picture Show

That was the answer to Friday's final line quiz. Now on to more Kaye Way related craziness.

I was raised Catholic but I've severely lapsed. I go to church once a year at Christmas. What I profess to the kids is to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". The Golden Rule. I really believe that you need to treat people they way you yourself want to be treated. But to be honest, it's hard to keep it up when you feel like it's one sided. But I soldier on.

There's a nice new lady at Henry's bus stop from Chile. She drops her kids off; she doesn't actually go to H's school. When we met a few weeks ago I made a Herculean effort to remember her name. An effort that, as I get older, has been more and more like trying to make myself spontaneously combust but a lot less fun. Anyway, her name is Neecy (I'm not sure of the spelling... the point is that is her name) and as I chatted with her the other day, I realised she didn't remember my name.

So here's where the do unto others thing kicks in. As we're talking, I took the opportunity to throw my own name into the conversation. Something like (but not)"So my husband said to me: Karen, how many times do I have to tell you not to use that pogo stick in the house? I have to re-plaster the ceiling again!" See what I did there? Now she knows my name.

I wish people would do that unto me. How many times have I had whole conversations not hearing what the other person is saying or even what I'm saying for that matter because all that's going through my mind is: What's his/her name again? Or worse yet: Where do I know you from? Oh, and to make it even worse, sometimes they'll ask about my family by name and shame me into wanting to actually spontaneously combust.

All you'd have to do is throw your name and where I know you from in something you say when you chat with me. Come on. It's not hard. Help a sister out. You don't want me to be reduced to a pile of dust, do you?

kxx

Risky Business

That was the answer to yesterday's first line quiz. How about a hard one to keep you busy over the weekend?

A fantastic final line of a movie. A good way to end movie week: Here you go:

"And crawling on the planet's face, some insects called the human race. Lost in time and lost in space... and meaning."

***hint is here***

kxx

Another movie game

A lot of movies are famous for their first lines. So where does this one come from?

"The dream is always the same."

***Hint: There's a famous dance scene in it.***

kxx

The Matrix

In case you were one of the 2 people who were stumped by yesterday's quiz, the answer is The Matrix. And if you were stumped, I suggest you never play this game again. Some of them are impossible to guess.

So on to new business, yes? With much fanfare, the Oscar nominations came out yesterday. In the Academy's infinite wisdom, they increased the Best Picture nominees to 10 movies from last year's 5 effectively preventing the regular joe me from seeing them all before the really big show.

In years past, my BFF Kathy and I used to see all the movies together. When she sadly became unavailable, Scott took her place (as best he could, poor lamb). Seeing five movies in 6 weeks was difficult but not impossible. Expensive but doable. Ten movies is approaching the ridiculous. Going to that many movies in over a month would mean both mortgaging our house and entitling us to thorough head examinations.

So Scott and I have decided to go see the few that look the least boring and rent any that we can on DVD. The rest of the movies are SOL (shit outta luck). Not having seen all the nominees will take some of the fun out of the Oscar telecast but if I think about it the show isn't quite meant for us plebs anyway. It's for Hollywood insiders and rich movie mucky-mucks. They couldn't care less about me on my leather couch with my bottle of red wine, my Snuggie and my knitting staying up way too late to watch them accept their precious awards. Hmph. Remind me why I'm doing this again...

Anyway, the nominees for Best Picture are:

1. Avatar ***seen it
2. The Blind Side
3. District 9 ***seen it... as of today having seen only 3 of these, this is my choice. AMAZING
4. An Education
5. The Hurt Locker
6. Inglourious Basterds
7. Precious
8. A Serious Man
9. Up ***seen it
10. Up In The Air

See you at the Cineplex.

kxx

In keeping with the movie theme I started yesterday

I thought it would be fun to post one of these games called "Invisibles". They've taken a still from a movie and digitally removed the person, leaving the clothes and scene behind. You have to guess what movie it is from what's left behind. The trick is you have to really examine the background and details of the scene. Of course it helps if you've seen the movie before.

Frankly I haven't seen as many movies as you may think. What I tend to do with popular movies if I haven't seen them is soak up everything about the movie (stars, plot, trailers) that I can so I can actually answer nearly any question about it if asked. Which is why I know everything there is to know about The Big Lebowski even though I've never seen a frame (see what I did there?) of it.

So I'll choose a relatively easy one to start. Can you guess this one? Look at the outfit, the setting the perspective... simple. Answer (if you need it) tomorrow.

kxx

Avatar!

I finally saw this movie. I waited a month because I thought it was over-hyped before it opened and even worse afterwards. I rolled my eyes everytime someone said it was the best movie they ever saw. You can't be serious. Have you seen Star Trek? I heaved heavy sighs and switched the channel when the actors shilled it on talk shows. I chuckled in satisfaction when someone made fun of it. I even resisted when my own family went to see it and stayed home to unclog that pesky drain instead.

But I was slowly wearing down. It was impossible to go through a day without someone referencing it. My BFF in London saw it and proclaimed that it was "5 out of 4 stars". For someone as pop culture savvy as I claim to be, I had to see it myself if only to be able to smugly declare that it wasn't as good as everyone said it was. Purely research. So I took advantage of the fact that Audrey cleaned up her room on her own one day last week and went to the 10:15am show.

As I blinked in the afternoon sun nearly 3 hours later, I was disappointed. This wasn't Pandora. It was a cold snowy Ottawa parking lot. Poop. What can I say? I had been completely immersed. The movie was fabulous. I tried to resist, I really did but about halfway through I actually wanted to be Na'vi. It was a mix of 3 movies I already loved: Fern Gully (the basic plot), Pocahontas (the love story) and Tarzan (the jungle training session) and it was super predictable (What? The good guys win and the hero gets what he wants in the end? Really? I sure didn't see that one coming) but I can forgive. Every time a bug flew by I waved it away, the 3D graphics were so good. The jungle scenes were so beautiful it seemed impossible that they didn't actually film this on Pandora. And the night scenes... how much did I love that the ground glowed when their feet touched it. Cooool.

So while I won't see it again in the theatre (it was no Star Trek, after all), I will be buying it on DVD. And I'm going to save my money for a BluRay and a nice big LCD tv to watch it on. My 27" old school set just couldn't contain it. If you haven't seen it, GO. You need to see this in 3D.

kxx