Halloween!

Boo!

You don't need me to go into why I'm not big on Halloween again. The short version is that my parents were "hiders" and I prefer salty snacks instead of sweet. But having kids means I can't ignore this "holiday".

So, the kids are going as a robot, a pumpkin and an aloof teenager too old (says he) to trick or treat and I'll just put on my usual devil horns and freaky contacts and go about my day as usual. But frankly, I can't wait until tomorrow is over.

But if you love it, Happy Halloween.

kxx

Aren't dreams wonderful?

I just spent half the night dreamily trying to justify why Scott had his elbow poked into the back of my skull. Here are the ones I remember:

• getting mugged with a gun to my head
• wearing a hat that was too tight
• getting a noogie from my brother
• getting hit in the head with a ball

Ah... the subconscious is a lovely place but I sure wouldn't want to live there.

kxx

Stupid damn kids.

No, not mine. Remember the gps that my wonderful daddy gave me a few months ago? The one that shone brightly through the misty, dark night and pointed my way toward home? (oohh… she waxes poetic) That one? Well it got stolen out of our unlocked van the other night (parked in our driveway btw) by some rotten punk shit kids. Eff!

But here’s the smooth with the crunchy. Three things, actually:

1) The gps was old and many times took me on lovely tours of Ottawa usually reserved for tourists and taxi drivers with fares unfamiliar with the territory. It wasn’t one of those cool flat screen deelies. It was big and clunky and shaped like an old tube tv.

2) It wasn’t my fault.

3) And because of that (thank you guilt!), I’ll get a cooler, newer one. Ha! Of course it’ll be safely under my pillow every night…

I’m actually a freak about locking the van at all times. I’ve even locked it when visiting friends’ remote cottages. My thinking is if I lock it whenever I get out, even somewhere safe, I’ll never forget to lock it at the mall. It’s a better-safe-than-sorry habit. Scott, on the other hand, sometimes locks it and sometimes doesn’t depending on the venue. In the night in question, he forgot. Seeing that we’ve been together since 1988 and I know how to behave within a successful marriage, that will be the only dig about this incident. Anyway, after a late hockey game he just parked the car and went to bed. Thank goodness we don’t keep anything else of value in the car. Not even cds. Suckers. All they got was a busted up gps that takes you on what my dad would colourfully call a “bellecoucouche” instead of a direct route.

kxx

iTunes gripe

As many of you already know, SYTYCD is one of my top 5 tv shows. Also, one of my favourite toys is my iPod (I’m getting a Touch so soon I can taste it… thank you new job!). Anyhoo, I spend a lot of time on YouTube watching and re-watching (and re-re –watching and re-re-... oh, you get the drift) some of my favourite routines from the show. I was thinking after watching the “Addiction” routine for what felt like the millionth time, “wouldn’t it be awesome if I could buy these on iTunes?” We could get pristine copies with the judges comments edited out on our little handheld devices. I’d be willing to pay up to $5 for a 2 minute routine and I’m sure I’m not alone. It’s win/win for everyone. So who do I email about this?

kxx

Argh... bad habit alert

There are 2 bad habits I want to try to break.

One is that I'm tired of of saying "good" when people ask me how I am. I want to go back to saying "fine" like my mother taught me. It sounds so much nicer to be "fine" doesn't it? Besides, answering "good" to the question "how are you?" doesn't sound grammatically kosher, does it?

The other is from work. I'm irritated by the fact that when a caller asks for someone I say "sure thing, please hold". Sure thing? Really? Yuck! It was the easiest thing that came to mind when I first started and now it's stuck fast. Every time I say it, it drives me nuts but the words come so naturally I can't seem to break it.

Would you be weirded out by a receptionist saying "sure thing"? Is "you bet" any better?

kxx

10 song ipod challenge!

In other words, I have nothing interesting to talk about today. So here are the first 10 songs that pop up on my ipod when I press shuffle:

1. Such a Little Thing Makes Such a Big Difference by Morissey
2. Free to Decide by The Cranberries
3. Nothing to Worry About by Peter, Bjorn and John
4. Maureen's Theme by Brendan Nolan (he's a friend of mine!)
5. Mo Money Mo Problems Notorious BIG
6. Iron Lion Zion by Bob Marley
7. Fix You by Coldplay
8. Potnas by Will Smith (the kids are to call him "Uncle Will" for neurotic reasons completely my own
9. Ring The Alarm by Keshia Chante
10. Wait A Minute by The Pussycat Dolls

Yeah, that's another weird little mix. That's why you love me, right? Guys? Hellooooo....?

kxx

Hee.

After all these weeks as a receptionist, is it still okay to giggle a little whenever I tell someone on the phone that the person they’re looking for is “out to lunch”?

kxx

Sigh. Star Trek.

Most of you know that I'm a major Star Trek fan. The Next Generation to be specific. I've been to conventions, bought and wore the paraphernalia (remind me to get a new battery for my Starfleet watch... they just don't make dilithium crystals like they used to), have a couple of prized photos taken with characters (a Borg and a Ferengi), watch every episode multiple times and can even name particular episodes. Example: if you ask me which episode Jean-Luc Picard (yum.) meets (and gets kissed by!) Vash, I can quickly tell you without looking it up on Memory Alpha (my fave Star Trek website) that it's Captain's Holiday. And when I went to Las Vegas, yes, the gambling was fun, but the highlight was the Star Trek Experience. Best. Exhibit. Ever.

So that said, I feel like sharing some of my favourite one liners from the show. Even though it was a sci-fi drama, it had some funny bits. Man, I miss this show:

"I am not a Merry Man"

--Worf in Qpid

"Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you or would you like to break some more furniture?"

--Deanna Troi to Worf in "Birthright"

"Eat any good books lately?"

-- Q to Worf in "Deja Q"

You're so stolid. You weren't like that before the beard."

-- Q to Riker in "Deja-Q"

"Do you know how she was able to train her cat?"

"Well, as I recall, she walked around for two months with a piece of tuna in her blouse."

--Data and Geordi on "Force of Nature"

And talking about cats, of course my favourite poem:

Qapla' (yup... I dabble in Klingon, too),

kxx

I could use a smoke

Okay, not really. I used to smoke and I loved it. I never wanted to quit but 14 years ago Scott and I had the conversation about starting a family and I nearly immediately stopped cold turkey. I smoked as much as half a pack a day for about 5 years. Relatively not that many but still enough to miss it. I still crave them and have the odd one a couple of times a year but I regret it immediately afterwards. Since quitting I've maybe smoked about a pack. That's pretty good in nearly 15 years. But I still want one really badly after a heavy meal.

Anyway, my former habit isn't the reason for today's blog. I'd like to talk about smoke breaks. Some of my co-workers indulge and I have to say I'm super jealous. Not of the smoking per se (okay, just a little) but of the legitimate chance they have to stretch their legs and walk, then sit out in the sunshine for 5 minutes and relax. Siiiigh!

We non-smokers need a "thing". A reason to get up from our desks every hour or so to take our heads out of the tasks we have to perform. Of course the winter and rainy days change things but on a nice sunny day, how great would it be to just get up and sit outside for 5 minutes?

So when you guys come up with that valid, plausible reason for a 5 minute break every hour, message me, 'k?

kxx

If acid destroys everything it touches,

how come it never eats through the glass or beaker that's holding it?

kxx

Hello? Helllooo...??

I'm feeling a rant coming on. Nothing particular has happened, I just feel ranty. It doesn't help that Aunt Flo has arrived with a vengeance and is wreaking havoc with the grouchizine centres of my brain. Yes, I made that up. You wanna go? Oh, we'll go.

So here's my beef: I hate talking on the phone. I don't mind at work because no one ever wants to talk to me but at home I cringe when the phone rings. I wield my call display function like a weapon. If I don't recognise the name or number you're dead to me. If you call during dinner, Coronation Street or So You Think You Can Dance, be prepared to leave a message. Are you calling after 9pm? Wondering where we all are at that time of night? We're all squinting at the phone trying to see who you are but making no move to answer.

You know what's worse? People who call for no reason. People who just "want to catch up". Um... I keep a daily blog. I twitter. I Facebook. I email. I text. Enough of my life is "out there". I have nothing new to say to you. I may love you but 80% of the time while we're talking I'm watching tv, washing dishes, folding clothes, cleaning or writing a blog all about not wanting to talk to you. The other 20% I spend making "I'm listening" noises and mirroring things you say to make it sound like I'm listening. How do you know when I am actually listening? I'll ask you questions. No questions, no attention. Also, I'll start topics. This is how my friend Kathy and I can easily spend 90 minutes on an overseas call. She's the only person I really look forward to talking to. In fact, call me this weekend, Kathy!

So don't call me to catch up. Send me an email. Please for the love of God. I write so well. At least in writing I will give you my full attention. And I don't have to experience that awkwardness when I'm trying to hang up on you.

For your edification, here's what I here's what I will say to you when I want to ring off:

1. "I'll let you get back to what you were doing" (even though you called me);

2. "Well, it was nice hearing from you" (it actually wasn't... I'm grumpy now);

3. "Thanks for calling, we'll talk soon" (inside I'm saying: "next time don't call unless you have a particular reason, check out my blog if you need mindless blathering")

Wow, I just read that back and it sounds super harsh. But the grouchizine is making me press "publish post", anyway so...

kxx

Remember the time BK?

Before Kids? I barely do but what I can recall I look back on fondly. Most of the time. Scott and I lived in a tiny apartment right downtown where we could walk anywhere. And when we couldn't walk, we took his motorcycle or a taxi. A taxi, people! I hadn't learned to drive yet and we didn't own a car. Groceries were a scream (not that we needed much food). We'd take the motorcycle out together and Scott would ride back while I took a cab with the food. Those were the days.

We both had full time jobs and got paid well. Sometimes when we got home from work we went to a restaurant or a movie. On the spur of the moment, even. On the rare occasion that I cooked, my specialty was Minute Rice and chicken with a jar of Uncle Ben's simmer sauce on top. Voila! Sometimes I even made Hamburger or Tuna Helper. MmmmMMMM. Good times.

Since kids I've learned to cook (meh) and love baking. If I want to go out I make plans at least a week in advance. Scott and I haven't been out on our own in ages. The last time I took a taxi was 2005.

On the flip side, don't get me started about how terrific Christmases are with a houseful of kids. And everything is funnier when filtered through kids' weird little brains.

But I'd sure love to see my BK belly again. That is BK as in "Before Kids" and not BK as in the Burger King belly I'm looking at right now.

kxx

I'm so weird

As a complete and utter neurotic, I’m keenly aware of how I appear to others. I try to always be pleasant and not too grating (and most of the time I succeed). As the receptionist at my new job, I’m in a communal area and everyone walks by my desk. Three offices are within earshot of my little command post so I have to be aware of what I’m saying most of the time. I’m not conceited enough to think that the people in the adjacent offices are listening in on every single thing I say but if they put their work down and pay attention they can definitely hear what I’m saying.

So here’s the thing… as every one of my co-workers passed my desk, they asked how my Thanksgiving was. Frankly it wasn’t too interesting… Saturday was so incredible I don’t even remember what we did, Sunday I ate and drank more than I should have like most Thanksgivings and then spent most of Monday lying on the couch watching Maury “you-ARE-the-father” Povich and eating pecan squares. Nearly 20 people pass my desk. So instead of giving the same answer 20 times, to be kind to those within earshot, and to make my life more interesting, I varied my answers all day but still said the same thing. Hard work, I tell you. I used: “ate too much, drank too much, lazed too much”, “made a great turkey”, “relaxed all weekend”, “enjoyed the family” and many, many more. It was like the K-tel greatest Thanksgiving hits over there.

But now I’m done talking about it. But I did make a pretty darn good turkey, if you must know…

kxx

Fun with Twitter

I don't know why anyone is surprised that I have a twitter account. I'm on everything known to man. Facebook, MySpace, here... why not twitter? I use each one differently, though. Here's how:

MySpace: I used to use it a lot more when it first came out. But I have a homepage on there for nostalgia's sake because that's where I started this here blog. It's a strange place... So. Many Weirdos. All those times I was contacted by illiterate bozos looking for a little sumthin'-sumthin'... Yuck. It clearly says on my profile that I'm married, people. But I guess that's where the illiterate part comes in.

Facebook I love. Because of the intimate nature of the place, I often compare it to rifling through someone's underwear drawer. I love checking out your photos and I put all my downloaded photos on there, videos, keep in touch with high school, everyday and internet friends and have a link to this blog. Actually a lot of people read this blog through there, even though my preference is for them to come here to blogger. Hint hint.

Then there's twitter. I love it. I check it before I leave for work and as soon as I step in the front door. I don't use it for anything but checking out what the "stars" are doing. When I first joined I added friends but I preferred their updates on Facebook. Then I discovered tv and movie stars on twitter. But not the big ones or the mega stars. I tried people like Oprah, Ashton Kutcher and Ellen but after a while I realised that they were written by publicists. They were fake, phony, self promoting and had perfect grammar. Fail. Everyone knows trying to cram in what you want to say in 140 characters is neither perfect nor pretty.

I dumped those big blowhards as soon as I could. Now I focus on "smaller" stars. Actors from my favourite soaps and players from reality shows but again, not the bigger stars. It's neat because you get the inside scoop and little tidbits and photographs from the set. I've even seen their holiday snaps. And you can tell it's genuine because the pics are often blurry and grainy and taken at the end of an arm the way you do when there's no one else around to shoot for you.

Out of everyone, I have a soft spot for Ethan Suplee, the guy who plays Earl's brother Randy on My Name Is Earl. He recently went on a trip to France and was tweeting in French. I used my massive knowledge of the language and tweeted back en francais. A few minutes later, my cell phone went off. I had no idea but I had set it to go off when I got a direct twitter message. I looked at it and holy hell, it was a personal message from the man himself. How cool was that? That sure wouldn't have happened with Oprah.

So seriously, you can be my friend on twitter if you like but don't be insulted if I don't reciprocate. It's not you, it's me. Well, it is you, actually. I just don't think you're famous enough. So friend me on Facebook. I'd rather rifle through your underwear, anyway.

kxx

Happy Thanksgiving!

The Kayes pigged out yesterday! Here was the menu:

• Turkey
• Stuffing
• Broccoli
• Roasted potatoes
• Baby carrots
• Macaroni and cheese (a tradition from my mum... I don't know why.)
• and for dessert: pecan squares

No cranberry sauce, I hate it. Same for pumpkin pie. And how much do I get nauseated when people mention that nasty American yam/sweet potato side dish topped with marshmallows? How much? Very. None of that on my table either.

Anyway, whatever you're eating today (or yesterday), enjoy and give thanks for it. Even if you're eating root vegetables with sugary gelatin on top. You can be grateful for your cast iron stomach.

kxx

My first and only quiet day at the new job

I'm not too sure still about how things work here yet but something happens at the end of the month that brings all the stuff I got trained to do to a standstill. All I did that day was answer the phone.

So I amused myself that day by making up words using the broken rubber stamp on my desk. Instead of reading “INVOICE ENCLOSED” it said “INVOI” with half the last “I” missing. I got:

-INVOICE (natch)

then changing the half “I” into an “L” I got:

-INVOLVE

-INVOLVED

-INVOLUNTARY

then I changed the first “I” into an “O” and the last “I” into an “L” and got:

-CONVOLUTE

-CONVOLUTED

Could you do better (without any outside help, internet or dictionaries)?

kxx

101 things in 1001 days

I was listening to the radio the other day and the djs were talking about a listener who made a list of 101 things to do in 1001 days.

I loved that idea and couldn't stop thinking of it. The part that I like is that it's not a "life list" where you put crazy things on it like pogo sticking across the Great Wall of China or something... they're infinitely more practical and doable.

Now I'm a creature into immediate gratification and ridiculously impatient so I thought I'd do it too but make it more what I can accomplish. I know myself. So, I give you my version:

Twelve Things I Want To Do In 12 Months.

1. Go downhill skiing
2. Compete in a Masters' canoe or kayak competition
3. Have a clean house when someone pops in
4. Own an iPod Touch
5. Have a full day at my new job without once second guessing myself
6. Clear the queue on my PVR (43 shows and counting...)
7. Make (and keep) a standing date with my girlfriends
8. Lose 5 pounds (I need to lose more but these are supposed to be doable, people)
9. Take a long trip with hubby and the kids
10. Teach the kids (including the boys) how to cook
11. Keep on top of the laundry (dirty clothes, oh, how I hate thee...)
12. To be lifted off the floor while dancing (definitely after I do #8)

I can do these. They don't seem incredibly "out there" or scary (except for the skiing and the kayak race). And of course the kids in the kitchen thing... yikes. But I'm excited to start. Hey, it's only 1 per month. Now where to start? Laundry? Cooking? Clean house? Ugh... I may need to rethink all this. I'll keep you all posted on my progress. But honestly, when do I not keep you all posted on my progress? Heh.

I'm going to start all this in 2010 (no, not "twenty oh-ten"). I really do think it's better than a New Year's resolution that you make and forget on the 3rd. These are doable tasks once a month. I'm excited to start! So do you have a list? What would be on it?

kxx

Hee!

I couldn't resist posting this. MadTV is cancelled but Coach Hines is forever in my heart. And the way Keegan Michael Key makes Bobby Lee laugh in almost every Coach Hines skit is always classic. Enjoy!

Oh, and if you are reading this from Facebook, just click "view original post" and you'll see it.

kxx

Overheard at my house when my dad was visiting:

"Underdog mash up my tv!!!" I wish you could hear the tone (and decibel level) of that statement. All West Indian and mock pissed off. Here's the story...

As daddy tells it, my brother and I were watching Underdog on tv early one Saturday morning when the old school tv we were rocking went black and shrunk into that tiny white dot in the middle of the screen they way they used to do. Yup, consider the tv truly "mashed up". Thanks to Underdog.

And like the true electronic consumer he is, he couldn't go even a day without television so it was off to Eatons for a new set. See, I come by my tv addiction honestly.

kxx

It's not even close to Christmas but...

This makes me laugh all year round. How much do I love the end where he throttles the cop then runs away screaming? It's just so much funnier without Jimmy Stewart's earnest mug getting in the way...

Mosquito 1

Mosquito 2,

Mosquito jump in the old man's shoe.

10 pound 10,

Dominica hen,

Monkey jump up and jump up again.

My mother said,

Not to play,

With the gypsies in the woods.

If I do,

She will say,

What a naughty girl to disobey.

No, I didn't make this up... my mother taught it to me. It's a clapping song and it's a miracle I got any work done yesterday with this amount of crazy running through my head. I thought typing it out would stop it.

Sadly, nope. Sigh...

kxx

Are we there yet?

Come ON, Friday, for eff sake.

kxx