Friday, October 31, 2008

Halloween Hahas

These are the kind of jokes I like. Maybe it's because they seem to be the only kind I can remember. I'm a funny person but truly and epically suck at telling jokes. These are dumb and clean. Feel free to steal them... I found them all over the internet.

Where do spooks water ski?
On Lake Erie

What kind of girl does a mummy take on a date?
Any old girl he can dig up

What was written on the hypochondriac's tombstone?
"I told you I was ill"

Why did it take the monster ten months to finish a book?
Because he wasn't very hungry

What do monsters call human beings?
Breakfast, lunch and dinner

Why didn’t the skeleton go to the party?
Because he had no body to go with

Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts

Why did Dracula's mother give him cough medicine?
Because he was having a coffin fit

Why wasn't there any food left after the monster party?'
Cuz everyone was a goblin

Why did the vampire's lunch give him heartburn?
It was a stake sandwich

Dracula decided he need a dog, which breed did he choose?
A blood hound

What would you call the ghost of a door-to-door salesman?
A dead ringer

What do skeletons always order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs

Who was the most famous French skeleton?
Napoleon bone-apart

Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Well, Elliott's an army cadet

We signed him up for the 2970 Royal Canadian Dragoons Army Cadet Corps last night. How strange. I'm torn between being delighted and absolutely horrified.

Delighted: He'll get a uniform, it's free, he'll learn some discipline, he'll learn respect, it's free, he'll do cool activities like orienteering, it's free, he'll meet new friends, get leadership training, it's free...

Horrified: That he'll like it, join the real army and get sent to war, that he'll like it and move to another city to pursue this as a career, that he'll really like it...

We only sent him to stave off his ever increasing ennui. It's not like we were fighting a lot and threatened to send him to boot camp until he could straighten up and fly right. He's a good kid that is, at 12, entering the "whatever" stage of his life. Ask him any question (I dare you) and you'll get any one of these mumbled answers: "I dunno", "whatever", "yup", "nope" or "I guess". Oh, and I can't forget the shrug. The famous, ubitquitous, pre-teen shoulder roll.

Well, a friend at work told me about military cadets. They have army, sea and air. The best part of it is that it's all free. Have I mentioned that? The uniforms, the training, the activities, all free. And thank God there's no obligation to join the actual army. It's only from ages 12-18 and really, it's just more of a cooler, regimented Scouts. I mean, they get snacktime for goodness sakes.

So all we want for him is to learn a little healthy respect for authority and a little leadership. He wasn't in any way on the fast track to any kind of youthful disaster but we thought we'd try it. I mean we don't lose anything if it doesn't work out. Because it's free. He got to choose which service he wanted (Scott was angling for air cadets but Elliott chose army) and hang out every Wednesday night with kids his age and older who (hopefully) will be good role models.

This'll end okay, right? All we really want is for him to turn his homework in on time. And not save things for the last minute. This'll work won't it?


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Fun with Food

The rules:

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at linking to your results.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison

2. Nettle tea

3. Huevos rancheros

4. Steak tartare

5. Crocodile (I'm sure alligator counts...)

6. Black pudding

7. Cheese fondue

8. Carp

9. Borscht

10. Baba ghanoush

11. Calamari

12. Pho (is it shameful that I had to look this up?)

13. PB&J sandwich

14. Aloo gobi

15. Hot dog from a street cart

16. Epoisses

17. Black truffle

18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes

19. Steamed pork buns

20. Pistachio ice cream

21. Heirloom tomatoes

22. Fresh wild berries

23. Foie gras

24. Rice and beans

25. Brawn, or head cheese (and gag!)

26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper

27. Dulce de leche

28. Oysters

29. Baklava

30. Bagna cauda

31. Wasabi peas

32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl

33. Salted lassi

34. Sauerkraut

35. Root beer float

36. Cognac with a fat cigar (weird to admit this one but I have photographic proof. I was also nursing. Don't judge me.)

37. Clotted cream tea

38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O

39. Gumbo

40. Oxtail

41. Curried goat

42. Whole insects

43. Phaal (I wish!)

44. Goat’s milk

45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more

46. Fugu

47. Chicken tikka masala

48. Eel

49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut

50. Sea urchin

51. Prickly pear

52. Umeboshi

53. Abalone

54. Paneer

55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal

56. Spaetzle

57. Dirty gin martini (even though I hate olives, had to try one... love them with lemons or blueberries)

58. Beer above 8% ABV

59. Poutine

60. Carob chips (yuck)

61. S’mores

62. Sweetbreads (NEVER)

63. Kaolin

64. Currywurst

65. Durian

66. Frogs’ legs

67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake (never had those but I've had Beavertails which are the same things)

68. Haggis

69. Fried plantain

70. Chitterlings, or andouillette

71. Gazpacho

72. Caviar and blini

73. Louche absinthe

74. Gjetost, or brunost

75. Roadkill (does moose count? It was hit by a car and it was really gamey)

76. Baijiu

77. Hostess Fruit Pie

78. Snail

79. Lapsang souchong

80. Bellini

81. Tom yum

82. Eggs Benedict

83. Pocky

84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant

85. Kobe beef

86. Hare

87. Goulash

88. Flowers

89. Horse

90. Criollo chocolate

91. Spam

92. Soft shell crab

93. Rose harissa

94. Catfish

95. Mole poblano

96. Bagel and lox

97. Lobster Thermidor

98. Polenta

99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee (coffee = yuck)

100. Snake


Tuesday, October 28, 2008

High School Musical mania

I promise not to go as nuts as I did with Dr. horrible last week. But I just have to mention that I saw High School Musical 3 twice over the weekend. Umm... on the same day.

I'm under no illusions that this movie is good. In fact, it's pretty predictable and even a little silly. But it's my favourite of the 3 movies. The music is awesome, the dancing is amazing and my cheeks are sore from smiling for 4 hours straight. I think Audrey liked it but she was just my pint sized excuse to see Zac Efron with his shirt off. Remind me to thank baby Jesus for sculpting that boy. He is fiiiiiiine.

So let me re-iterate. No Oscars, great dancing, me likee. A lot.

This child is almost too pretty to be a boy, isn't he? Hell, this lust is so wrong. Almost like falling deeply in love with a gay guy. Yikes.


Monday, October 27, 2008

Whatever would I do with a penis?

I heard there was a study done and they asked a bunch a women what the first thing they'd do with a penis. The overwhelming consensus was that they'd pee standing up. Shocking!

I thought that women would state all kinds of sex-related depravities from playing pocket pool all day to actually having sex to see what it feels like. But nope.

And frankly, peeing is where my head (pun intended) went too. Imagine the freedom. Although in the spirit of compete discloure, I already know how to lift and separate my junk to pee like a guy, I still am fascinated by their ability to just whip it out and go.

So, the long and the short of it (again, pun intended) is, I'd go for the peeing standing up option too. Lemming.


Friday, October 24, 2008

And for the weekend, more singing

Did you think I'd go a whole week without a Dr. Horrible clip? You don't know me and my mania at all. I swear, next week I'll be back to my semi-lucid self. My obsession will be back to bubbling just under the surface. Now excuse me while I watch every video I've just posted.

Here he discusses getting the words just right...



Thursday, October 23, 2008

My boy is magic!

Pretty cool...

You know, I just realized. If loving him is crazy, I don't want to be sane.


Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Look! NPH can host a morning talk show

Here he is on Regis and Kelly

I need an intervention...


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

My boyfriend sings at the drop of a hat

Love this interview with the cast of HIMYM. It was such a surprise to hear him break into song.

kxx (and yes, I've officially lost it)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Neil Patrick Harris week

It's my blog and I'll wig out if I want to. And I'm totally, entirely and happily obsessed with Neil Patrick Harris right now (and have been for months). I'll just sit quietly and wait for it to pass eventually but first I have to subject you all to my madness. Every day this week I'm going to post a YouTube video starring my secret gay boyfriend. Why? Because I have a blog and can post whatever the hell I want. When you get a blog, you can do the same. I spend easily an hour a day Googling Neil (I wish) and here are my faves...

This is from his tv series "How I Met Your Mother"

Friday, October 17, 2008

So this is the blog I was talking about yesterday. Hope you like it...

The other day I was looking out my window and saw my neighbour Linda walking out of her house with Nordic Walking poles. She used to go out with her arms swinging and a light jacket but now she has equipment.

Remember when walking was the cheapest thing you could do for exercise? All you needed were a couple of feet and you could get a reasonable workout. It's like what they did to muffins. Remember when muffins were healthy? Neither do I.

Now, it seems in order to get an optimal workout you have to have these poles that make you look like you're dry-land training for some weird Olympic sport. Well actually, no weirder than Olympic race walking I guess.

It's like there was some kind of meeting:

Rich Evil Executive #1: We've got to make this walking thing more lucrative for ourselves.
Rich Evil Executive #2: I know! If too many people do it they could get fit without spending any money.
REE1:(shudder) Horrible. What do you propose?
REE2: Let's do what we did to running. All you needed was a pair of running shoes. We made it so you need "Cool Max" and "Nike+" and an initial outlay of at least $200.
REE1: Good. Good. So what do people do when they walk?
REE2: They wear shoes...
REE1: That boat sailed when we sold the unsuspecting public sneakers with air in them. I'm still giggling over that one.
REE2: Heehee! Well, they swing their arms...
REE1: Ooooohhh.. I think you may have something there. Could we put something in their hands? Something that'd cost a fortune? Something they can't do without? That they'd look like fools without?
REE2: Ummm ski poles?

Now people are forced to look like they're participating in a fraternity hazing ritual. And a little bit of me wants a set. Sigh.


Thursday, October 16, 2008

Well, it looks like I'm finally a writer

No, I haven't gotten published yet (and never will if you guys don't call that publisher friend of yours and have her read these things) but I did something I've heard real writers do.

The other night I was tossing and turning. My mind was racing. "Don't forget to take the chicken breasts out of the freezer for dinner tomorrow", "I need to put on another load of laundry, Elliott's out of underwear", "Is the cat in the house?"... you know those kind of inanities. Then my mind turned to my neighbour. Every day she goes for walks taking off at exercise speed down the street. That day I saw her leave her house with baby blue poles for her walk. That's right. Nordic Walking poles.

As I thought about this I started formulating a blog that I thought would be funny. I actually started giggling to myself. But I knew if I waited until morning, I'd forget every bit of comedy gold I was mining. Scott was sleeping beside me and the house was pitch dark. I couldn't turn on the light and I couldn't leave the bed because I'd wake him up. So what's a writer to do?

I opened my bedside drawer, felt for a pen, scrabbled around for something to write on (that so happened to be an address book that is empty yet mysteriously always on my bedside table) and wrote some notes. In the pitch dark. Reading it this morning seeing past the bizarre handwriting and fast-and-loose word alignment I thought I had some pretty good stuff. I'll blog it tomorrow. But the point of this blog is that it looks like I'm a writer folks. This is what they, I mean WE do.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Wanna stop me in my tracks?

Tell me I'm pretty in the middle of something I'm saying. I ordinarily hate being interrupted but for this? I'll make an exception.

I was inanely chattering to Scott about the new gerbils and how they'd taken a ton of bedding overnight and moved it up the little tube to the place where they made their nest and you can't even see them anymore and...

"You're pretty," He says with a goofy look on his face.

I lost my train of thought.

See, that man knows how to keep a marriage fresh after 20 years of togetherness, doesn't he? That or he was trying to get me to just stop talking. Either way, he knows me.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

How can this be?

Tell me how it's possible for someone to chop someone's head off on a Greyhound bus in front of everyone onboard and still be sane enough to stand trial?

By definition shouldn't anyone who takes a life, shows no remorse or moral centre be fucking nuts?

I'm just saying.


Monday, October 13, 2008

Happy Thanksgiving, Canada!

I love Thanksgiving! Because I do I couldn't say no to the 2 invitations I got for meals with friends and family. Usually Turkey Day invites are potlucks (the hostess never wants to get stuck cooking everything... "what up" with that? I would if I was ever allowed to cook)

Anyway, yesterday I made 4 pies (2 blueberry and 2 apple) and today I'm making 4 loaves of french bread. So you'll have to amuse yourselves with a tiny blog today. This ad made me giggle last week:

Overheard on a radio commercial:
"Thanksgiving is not a holiday. Aruba is a holiday. In Aruba they don't complain about the colour of the gravy. They just smile and ask you if you want another Mojito... you know, Thanksgiving could use a holiday in Aruba."


Friday, October 10, 2008

Things that scare me

Hey, it looks like I'm not scared of an awful lot.

-moths (but not butterflies. Go figure)
-power outages
-mascots (anybody in a stupid costume. No idea why)
-falling ('cause people will laugh. I know I do)


PS: Happy Friday! And Happy Thanksgiving to us Canadians!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Things that make me roll my eyes

-radio stations that talk too much
-panty lines
-people who go outside dressed like they're on their way to bed
-America's Got Talent (do they?)
-my talkative neighbour (she always makes me late)
-my wardrobe
-The way Americans treat Canada... sometimes as a satellite state, sometimes as a faraway foreign country. Make up your minds. All I want is How I Met Your Mother on iTunes for God's sake.
-women with washboard abs
-my ridiculous dream life. Last night I was trying to get intimate with a guy in a wheelchair so I was faking being a paraplegic. It was just like a stupid sitcom. Sigh.


Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Things that piss me off

-People who make plans and cancel last minute
-Political debates that pre-empt my tv shows
- Bosses that don't appreciate what their grunts do... do they not realize that their businesses would go down the tubes without us minimum wage slaves? Don't get me started...
-Kids who disrespect their parents
-tiny bones in fish
-dry skin
-McDonalds orange drink
-being cold
-noisy toys
-the desire to eat a dozen doughnuts in one sitting
-crappy grammar (unless I'm the one crappy grammaring)
-slow internet connections
-hunger (mine. Sorry, world)
-standing up on public transit
-being broke
-people who smell like cigarette smoke
-broken convenience appliances (dishwasher/washing machine/dryer/tv/computer...)
-tv shows that are needlessly complicated with time-travelling plotlines and circular logic. They make me feel like I'm just not that smart. Yes, I'm looking at you, Lost.
-fiddly things
-flavoured lip gloss
-traffic. Aaaargh! I'm still getting over missing my last dragonboat practice of the year because of some truck vomitting its load on the highway. I was beside myself when at the practice start time I was still in my neighbourhood.


Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Things that make me happy

This list also includes things that make me laugh...

-great tv commercials (see Knorr ad below)
-people falling down (yes I'm immature)
-watching someone who doesn't realize they're being watched (Hmm. Perverse too)
-one lonely shoe on the road (I like coming up with the story behind it)
-the Shopaholic books
-The Birdcage (when Agador falls down I piss myself every time. Oh, and I hate Val)
-being tickled
-Neil Patrick Harris
-my family
-Archie comics
-floods (the pants not the natural disaster)
-those door stopper thingies that are like springs with white plastic doohickeys at the end. When you toggle them they make a noise that I can't resist laughing at.
-Christian Louboutin shoes (look right... achingly beautiful)
-the smell of Vicks
-the Mythbusters (mostly Adam... hubbahubba, and yes, I'm aware of how geeky that is)
-Star Trek (the Next Generation, please. Captain Picard ROCKS)
-the taste of cough medicine


Monday, October 6, 2008

Bob and Doug live in my boys' room

Okay, they're in gerbil form but there you have it. Yesterday the Kaye's headed to the pet store and bought gerbils for the boys. Bob belongs to Henry and Doug is Elliott's.

I wonder about our sanity sometimes. I have Taz, Audrey has Coco and now the boys have Bob and Doug. And Scott has dander allergies. He really needs to put his foot down. He's such a softie.
We actually only bought Bob first (Henry had him named and begged for him for over a week). We had him bought, boxed and bagged and on a whim had the cashier throw in a gerbil book so we could learn all about him. No Monkey style mistakes for me this time. It made me laugh that the book was more expensive that the gerbil but that was neither here nor there. Once we got back to the car and started to drive away I flipped through the book and saw that gerbils are social animals and should only be bought in pairs. That led to an illegal u-turn and a trip back to the store for Doug, so named to go with Bob (natch). Elliott could care less about the name, frankly. Good 'cause it makes Scott and me giggle. So Bob and Doug are happily installed in the boys' room in their new habitrail. The gerbils, not the boys.

So wish us luck in our newest animal adventure. The book says that these should last about 4 years. With our luck I'll be happy if they last until Christmas.


Friday, October 3, 2008

Finally, a good Friday!

I'm off work today and so are the kids. We may go see Igor. Or I may just stay in my jammies all day. I haven't decided.

Tomorrow I have my dragonboat banquet and Sunday I have nothing planned. I'm delighted. My manager Nicole (who I'm really warming up to and would like us to be closer friends) may come over Sunday and we'll bake pies. That's my kind of playdate.

In the meantime, let's be girls together, shall we? Tell me... what's in your purse? Go get it, dump it out and tell me. I'll go first:

*cell phone
*2 packs of gum
*iPod nano and earbuds (which don't stay in my ears... future blog rant pending)
*charge cords (for cell and nano)
*hand lotion
*kleenex pack
*$53 dentist bill
*dental floss (remember when they gave you lollipops?)
*lip gloss
*blotting papers (for my greasy nose)
*hoodia pills in an asprin bottle
*a bunch of those courtesy/membership cards wrapped in a broccoli rubberband

All in one of those novelty zipper bags. I'm a sucker for a funky accessory.


Thursday, October 2, 2008

This commercial always makes me laugh out loud

Scott and I have a thing that stems from a conversation we had years ago. We wondered what it would be like in a pitch meeting for a commercial. The agency would hork a nonsensical advertising loogie like "three frogs are on lilypads and start croaking, right? One sounds like "Bud", the other "wise", and the third...". YOU'RE FIRED!", the company boss would say (or should have said).

So when we see a crappy ad, we say "you're fired". Whenever we see a good ad or at least one that will get lots of buzz, we just look at each other and say "you're hired". This one played a lot last year and is on again. As Scott and I always say when this comes on, you're hired!


Wednesday, October 1, 2008

I'm not the brightest light on the Christmas tree

So it's not often I talk about politics or current events. But I have to mention this US bailout/recession thing. Of course in how it relates to me. Because everyone and everything relates to me in some way.

Thankfully we live here in Canada where our economy, while weakening, is still alright. But the nonsense going on down south has people worried. Mostly because we're so tied both economically and geographically to the states.

It's like we're siamese twins. It's utterly impossible for you to ignore your twin having sex. You can't have loud enough headphones. Your book can't be that interesting. There is no movie engrossing enough. You just can't ignore what's going on inches away from you. It's like that.

America is having problems but we're all getting fucked.