Sunday, June 3, 2012


Okay, not really. This is what happened:

- I can't sit down. During the race, after I splatted on my butt, I may have yelled to God and everyone that "I think I friggin' cracked my ass in half!!" but I may have been suffering from adrenaline poisoning
- I got 4 knee bruises, 2 cut open and requiring band-aids. Also, 2 scuffed elbows and 1 scraped knuckle. From the barbed wire. Never thought I'd ever say that
- I made 2 new friends (girls 15 & 16 that I met at the start line, old enough to be my kids)
- I had 1 wardrobe malfunction where everyone at the bottom of the first rope ladder obstacle could see my um... lady business as I struggled my leg over the top
- So. Much. Mud. It was the sucking kind that eats your shoes. Just ask "One-Shoe Ryan"
- Such a feeling of satisfaction! At the very end there was a tall triangle shaped obstacle. You had to pull yourself up one plasticised side to the top using a thick rope, swing yourself over the top and use another rope to get down. Seriously, it didn't look too hard. Ha! The first time I got to the top with pretty good momentum but lost it at the top wondering how I was going to swing over. I started second guessing and ended up sliding  back down to the bottom. Embarrassing. Since it was at the end, There was a crowd watching. Yikes.

I took another run at it and by this time some people have noticed me struggling. I can hear them calling out to me. I get to the top and I freeze again. A huge dude behind me is helping me by letting me use his fist to stand on while I'm trying my best get my huge, muddy exhausted leg over the top. I finally turn to him and say "Thank you so much, but I can't... I just can't do it!" He takes the rope beside me and gazelles up and around me. Bastard. Meanwhile I'm still holding on with all my might but I know that from my angle there's no where to go but down. And that hurts too by the way because I have to hold the rope tight as I humiliatingly slide to the bottom. Again. Eff. On top of that I hear the crowd's sympathetic "AWWWWW.....".

When I get down, My two favourite people in the world, Chelsea and Caitlyn are waiting for me. For girls that are so young, they were so supportive to an old lady and a complete stranger. They were calling me "Mama" by the end. So great. We had waited for each other at the challenges, we ran together through the muck and boosted each other up ropes and towers in the most intimate of places. Hee. I was so very happy to have met them. 

Anyway, they were waiting for me at the bottom, encouraging me to try again and giving me tips. Chelsea even offered to do it again and wait at the top so I can grab her hand to yank myself over. I hope their mothers read this and see what kind young women they are. So armed with my advice I struggle to the top where Chelsea is waiting. I grab her arm and haul my exhausted, muddy, cold, wet carcass over that last damned obstacle. I cried at the bottom telling my new best friends that I loved them. Race over. Until next year, that is. My ass, knees, elbows and arms feel like they're on fire but I'll never let another one of these races go by ever again. The tagline is: "You'll Know At The Finish Line" and you totally do.

I took a shower as soon as I got home. Three rinses and the foam was still brown from the mud. When I got out I moved one of my rings and mud oozed out. And I don't even want to talk about my clothes. They're in the washer right now but I'm afraid to check on them.

So that's my story. This blog is long enough and I so want to ice my butt. Hee. Signing off tired but happy,


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