Friday, July 4, 2014

I think I'm lonely

Not the kind of lonely that has no friends or family, but the kind of lonely where I can't find a single person that shares my interests.

Not my values or goals or family make-up but someone I can go to a show or nerd out with. I spend so much time alone "enjoying" the things I really have fun with (Comic-Con, the ukulele, Doctor Who... the list goes on and on...) that I'm actually starting to rethink their merit. Do people my age (nearly 50) really do this stuff? Why am I the only person I know in real life that likes this? Am I trying to reclaim my youth? Do I only like it because it's outside of "normal"? Am I making an ass of myself? Am I embarrassing my family?

I know most of my friends and co-workers "don't get me". This was actually said to me once. I try most days to think "So what? I like what I like and if that puts me in a superhero tee shirt in the middle of an exhibition floor, so be it." But I can only think that for so long. Because every time I drag a barely interested family member to something I really love or sit alone in a theatre watching a show based on a podcast I love, it chips away at the confidence I have about liking what I like.

Look! It's Carlos and Cecil!! But you wouldn't know who they are.

Anyway, that is what I was thinking as I sat in the audience (alone again) watching Welcome to Night Vale last night. I loved it but it was tinged with the feeling that I'm fooling myself somehow. Maybe I don't like this kind of thing after all. Maybe I just need to grow up, put away my Converse and corsets and hang up my ukes for good.

All my eternal gratitude and admiration if you can tell me why I named this uke "Phil C"

I'm not posting this to get loads of "be yourself" comments. I know that, I really do. I really just needed to vent. I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I may be outgoing (and thank god I am) but it's a struggle to insert yourself into an already established group in the lobby of an event. Plus I can't help but feel green with envy over 5 BFFs who can cosplay as The Avengers or a whole family dressed like the main characters in Labyrinth. I don't think I could act like a 46 year old (47 in 37 days-- send gifts) if I tried. I wouldn't even know where to start.

So that's my deal for today. Take it as you will. I know I'm a special flower in life's little greenhouse but man, there are days when I wish I could be a dandelion with a zillion other dandelions...


It's exhausting to be so "special"

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